HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Kind of OT - My husband really hurt my feelings about having babies.

Support Forums
>
Ulcerative Colitis
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 10/7/2008 8:01 PM (GMT 0)
we are 33 and 34 respectively, not too old to have kids and have quite a few years yet where I can still conceive (hopefully). 

my husband's 3 best friends all are all expecting and the third one called to tell him last night.  so he started to say how next April will be our turn to try and I told him that I cannot guarantee anything with my health and we have to wait until I am in remission (my kidneys and also want to make sure my UC stays there) and that I have to be off certain meds for 3 months before trying.

So he says how he doesn't want to be 37 and be a father to a newborn, I was completely shocked to hear him say this.  I was like well we may not have a choice, it may have to be ok.  Plus we want to have two kids so this makes no sense as if I had one now my second could be at that age for him, it's only 3 years away.  He was like well do you want me to lie and say it will be ok.  I was like no I do not want you to lie.  He was like well what do you want me to say.  Normally I tell him, he gets it or we argue and move on.  But this time I am so hurt I want him to get it on his own and I do not have the strength or want to argue this point with him.  He really has to come up with it on his own.  I really do not want to look at him at this point, I am just so hurt.  I know we will get through it but I have never felt this way towards him, I am just sick about how much of a moron he is.

I have done everything within my power to get well, if I could snap my fingers or try some miracle drug I would.  Also, I am mad that he obviously does not remember things I have told him that pertain to all of this.

Thanks for listening.  He is a great person, but sometimes, he needs to be walloped over the head with it, though this time I am too hurt and tired and upset to do it.

Posted 10/7/2008 8:14 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry you are dealing with this! Did your doc say you had to be in remission? I know it is best but many on the crohns board have gone into remission after becoming pregnant or flared during pregnancy and still had a perfectly healthy baby. Have you considered adopting? It would be easier on your body and then if you wanted to wait even longer you could adopt a 3 year old and not have to worry about have an infant when you are older.

If it is any consolation, my parents had children wayyyyy older and are very happy with their choice. My dad just tured 72 and my brother is 19. So...he was 53, and my mom was 42.

My hubby and I always thought we didn't want kids but lately he has switched his tune to "someday." Well, I am 27 now, and plan on having a career in law with lots of loans to pay off. I don't know when we are going to fit kids into our life plan...if ever, and if it is never I am more than ok with that.
Posted 10/7/2008 8:31 PM (GMT 0)
If you're doing a good a job of not burdening him with all the lovely (sarcasm!) facets of this disease, as I suspect you are, he probably doesn't really know or understand how hard you've tried, Beth.  He probably just sees you as the partner he loves and with whom he wants to have a child. 

It can be easy to get caught up into a fantasy of things, like I need to have a child before I'm 37, and this is the way life "should" be, etc.  And who knows, you may be ready to try in April, too. 

Hang in there.  Good stuff happens, too.   

Posted 10/7/2008 10:10 PM (GMT 0)
I totally understand that you are hurt...does he really want to have kids? 3 yrs isn't really that long in between 2 (that's basically the age difference between my 2 kids), but I can relate to what your hubby is saying about age too...I'm 41 and my oldest is almost 19, my youngest is almost 16 and I'm sooooooooo glad I had them as young as I was because at my age now if I had a 4 yr old I would pull out all my hair, I cannot handle little kids anymore, maybe because I've been there, done that, but I always knew if I was gonna have them it would be when I was young so by the time they were all grown up I wasn't an old grey haired lady (even though I feel like am because of this stupid disease, point is, I still have a good 24 yrs before I'm considered a senior...and don't even get me started on becoming a grandma because honestly I hope that doesn't happen...might sound selfish but that's how I feel, kinda like how your hubby feels.

Not picking sides, not saying there's a right or wrong, strictly talking about "feelings" here.

:)
Posted 10/7/2008 11:00 PM (GMT 0)
(((((((((((((((((((big hug chickee))))))))))))))))
Posted 10/7/2008 11:10 PM (GMT 0)

If someone hasn't lived with this disease 1st hand, they just don't get.

Now chin up and go wallop him over the head a couple of times! yeah

Posted 10/7/2008 11:20 PM (GMT 0)
I don't blame you one bit for being hurt.  It was a hurtful thing to say.  I wouldn't necessarily take such a proclamation as written in stone and if its any consolation, I strongly suspect he will hold no such beliefs when he finally reaches 37. (if you've let him off the couch by then)

You know your husband best, but if he is a take charge type of guy, he might be just trying to find a way to control a frustrating situation (which cannot be controlled) by setting a begin date and a end date for having a child.  It is tough on our loved ones when we are sick and sometimes it makes them say idiotic, thoughtless things. 

Hang in there.....my husband and I went through lots of similar stuff during 14 years of infertility madness and we made it through some how, but we weren't always totally supportive of each other.  We are older parents now with an 11 and 7 year old so we are of course, of the opinion that kids just as sweet even if they didn't show up when you wanted them to.

 

Posted 10/8/2008 1:39 AM (GMT 0)
So sorry to hear that your feelings were so hurt (and I don't blame you!). Like yours, my husband is usually very understanding and wonderful, but he, too, sometimes comes out with some things that just kill me. I think he sometimes just gets so frustrated with all of my health issues, and his frustration makes him just sound mean! Usually he does realize that he's said something stupid and hurtful, and will apologize. I hope that you get that outcome, too!
Posted 10/8/2008 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
Pb4 - I love to hear others opinions on having kids. It is so interesting because there is no right or wrong, just the right for you. For me, I am the opposite of you. I would rather live my life carefree and totally focus on my career while young, and have kids when we are older and don't mind being home all the time and burdened with extra responsibility. I couldn't devote my life to kids now but I'm sure I will want a more relaxed lifestyle when I'm older. To me, the family life is more relaxed then the life we live now. I also think having kids at an older age keeps you young.
Posted 10/8/2008 2:37 PM (GMT 0)
We talked last night and he totally understood everything and rememberd our previous discussions. He was overtired and a little jealous that all his friends wives are pg and really wants to have kids. Well he should not have waited 6 years to propose to me!!! lol!

In retrospect I wish we had started a few years earlier (we have only been married for two), but glad I did not have kids in my young twenties for a number of reasons, I am not with the same person I was then and hope to be able to raise my kids with their father in the same house. I was nowhere near ready to have kids living week to week $ and I got most of my partying out of my system. Now, I cannot wait to be a Mom, can't wait to have a baby and watch our child grow up and see what kind of person they will be...........besides, who is going to drive me to all my Dr appt's in my old age and take care of me??? I don't know what my Mom and Gram would do without their kids, they would be all alone.

Funny story; my Gram lives in eldery housing 5 min from my Aunt who is there all the time and takes her to all her Dr appts and midnight emergency room visits. My other Aunt goes there once a week to take her to lunch, I go there about 1xmonth and so do her other children and grandchildren. I overheard one of the residents say, "That Dot gets out all the time", Dot is my Gram's name, short for Dorathy.

Anyhoo, all joking aside, I think people should only have kids if they really want to be parents and all that goes along w/it.

thanks for listening and I did not have to wallop him too hard!
Posted 10/8/2008 4:11 PM (GMT 0)
When I read your first post I was hoping he might later regret what he said, and come to his senses. It's crazy to think a time schedule can be adhered to in having children!

We wanted kids but didn't end up having any. I think he was alarmed when I told him it could be considered a high-risk pregnancy, according to my GI. Plus, we would have had to go through lots of fertility stuff because he had no good swimmers! And we were almost 40 when we married, so there was little chance of success. My desire for kids was not that great so we just didn't pursue it. You could say we were too lazy to have kids!
Anyway, good luck to you!
Posted 10/8/2008 4:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Peety, yes, he did regret what he said and how it made me feel, sorry I did not put that in there.
Posted 10/8/2008 5:22 PM (GMT 0)

FitzyK23 said...
Pb4 - I love to hear others opinions on having kids. It is so interesting because there is no right or wrong, just the right for you. For me, I am the opposite of you. I would rather live my life carefree and totally focus on my career while young, and have kids when we are older and don't mind being home all the time and burdened with extra responsibility. I couldn't devote my life to kids now but I'm sure I will want a more relaxed lifestyle when I'm older. To me, the family life is more relaxed then the life we live now. I also think having kids at an older age keeps you young.



Yes, it's all perspective, with my mom having me at the age of 40 and that age gap was the number 1 reason why I decided I was having them as early in my 20's as possible. For some other reasons as well, in retrospect, if I would have waited then I more than likely would have been sick with both pregnancies, also I've heard if you have an IBD then the sooner you have kids the easier it is on your body compared to waiting too long...not to mention becoming sick when my first baby was only a yr and a half old, took a lot of energy from me as it was, getting that second kid in there made it that much tougher but I got through it. Being 41 now I couldn't imagine having a 4 yr old or anything younger than my 15 yr old whom is the last of my 2 kids...I was never really a career based person, my goal was to have kids at a very young age and enjoy them more than what my mom seemed to...yup, there is no right or wrong, just what suits you best and I'm glad I went the route I did otherwise I would have missed out on having any and that would have been a shame.

For me having kids at a young age makes me feel like they're keeping me young because I can relate to them much better, my teen yrs still feel like they were just around the corner, this has made it easy for me to relate to them in their teen yrs, and we're all close and it's a great feeling, but again, it's personal perspective.


:)
Posted 10/8/2008 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
I could never have children either; when I was younger and in my 20's/30's it was an issue because I felt like it was something I needed to do and now I have so many nieces, nephews, and great nieces and nephews...it gives me many sweet children to spoil! :-) Beth, I have been hurt so many times by people making comments about me not having children. I'm sure your husband was just speaking out at the moment, and getting caught up in dream or maybe even pressure of fatherhood. Even though I'm 49 now, my boyfriend has two children in their early twenties and when an issue about them came up, he USED to say..."Well, you don't really know because you haven't had kids." Gosh that would hurt. I just think people don't know when they are saying things that they are going to hurt us. I'm glad you told him and that he was receptive to your feelings. Take care and most of all remember...no pressure.... ;-)
Posted 10/8/2008 6:06 PM (GMT 0)
I'm 42 and I've still got people urging me to have children and telling me I'm not too old to START a family. There are certainly many women having children at 40 and beyond these days, so it's not like you don't have wiggle room.

Sounds like your husband has come to his senses. If this comes up again, I'd ask him diplomatically to think about how HE is going to handle the bulk of the responsibility of a newborn if YOU are extremely unwell during the pregnancy and/or after the birth. This issue has been discussed on here before, but I'll say it again: during the first two years of my diagnosis, when I was so desperately ill, many times I thought, "Thank God I don't have babies or young children to try to take care of while I'm stuck in the bathroom for hours a day."
Posted 10/8/2008 7:45 PM (GMT 0)
One good thing about having kids when you've got IBD is it makes it pretty easy to potty train them LOL!

:)
Posted 10/9/2008 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
Amen, Princesa! During my worst flares I thought the absolute same things. Hang in there, Beth; your well-being is the most important factor 'til your kidneys get back to proper functioning, let alone the UC. Here's hoping your hubby can resist the peer pressure from his pregnant friends. Suppose they all got Mercedes, Porsches, Rolls, or other super-expensive cars. Would he throw a tantrum for not having something comparable? It's time to grow up and acknowledge that most people do not get everything they want out of life just at the moment they wish to have it. And jealousy is a big waste of one's energy! / Old Hat (nearly 30 yrs with left-sided UC ... [etc.])
Posted 10/9/2008 3:21 AM (GMT 0)

I am sorry that he said that to you.  You should Whallop him. 

I did get pregnant with my son and during that pregnanacy was was the best I had felt for a long time.  My UC went into remission, I was energetic and never got morning sickness.  I never felt better.  After he was born, I did flare but...  eventually it worked itself out and I have a beautiful 5 year old now.

Best of luck with whatever you both decide to do.

cagio1


Posted 10/9/2008 4:20 AM (GMT 0)
It has truly always boggled my mind when people have the gull to tell others they should have kids, honestly it's no ones business, I think it's a private matter, an individual choice that no one should make for someone else, let alone pressure or make them feel guilty for not having children.

Having children is a life long commitment, it doesn't end when they become legal adults, you worry about them for as long as you live, it's a huge responsibility that too many people take lightly, there are so many children in the world that no one even wants and that is a crime in itself.

:)
Posted 10/10/2008 1:24 AM (GMT 0)
You can't know if you will experience this, but: my first GI said he had a couple of women patients who achieved remission best when they were pregnant, so tried to stay pregnant a lot and had lots of kids!
Posted 10/10/2008 3:10 AM (GMT 0)
Ya it can go either way, pregnancy hormones can either keep your disease in the same state, put you into remission or even into a flare, it's all connected to hormones, and of course each pregnancy can have different results when it comes to the state your disease will react...there's just no way of knowing for sure which of the 3 will happen with any pregnancy.

:)
Posted 10/10/2008 1:14 PM (GMT 0)
Carol, I am sorry to hear that, that would have hurt my feelings too!

I think we all say or do things at some point that hurt someone. though I think we on this board are probably more conscientious than others who have not had to deal with the things we have. The important part is dealing with the issue and moving on.

On the jealousy thing, I understood it I was jealous myself. He is not a jealous person, sometimes i'm like can you be a little jealous??? Seriously, I am glad he is not. It was just the timing of everything. Plus in one of our talks before we decided to look at it as it might be a blessing in disguise to wait as he has 1.5 years left of school.

I really wish I had myself together in my early 20's just didn't happen. I try to think what it would have been like having a baby this year while on all these meds and that is a bit scary. I hope that my UC will be good during pg (but know that it might not be) and hope to be well after.

I am really close to remission, so please wish me luck! My next appt is 10/22. I turn into an emotional wreck my last few visits.

Thanks again everyone for sharing your thoughts, stories and well wishes. I really never thought I could find a place like this, to help me feel so good.
Posted 10/10/2008 1:45 PM (GMT 0)
Should you really be discussing this with strangers on the internet Beth? I know you may support but this is pretty personal stuff..
Posted 10/10/2008 2:42 PM (GMT 0)
Harpo, are you trying to stir something up here? I really don't have time for it.

I find discussing my colon, my colonoscopy preps, my poop and all messy descriptions of it, my kidney, my urine, my thoughts about surgery a whole lot more personal than sharing my hurt feelings. These things are all part of having this disease.

So to answer your question Harpo........Yes, I do feel this is the appropriate place to discuss this situation. However Harpo, if you feel it is in any way inappropriate, I encourage you to read the header of the posts before deciding to go any further.

Don't judge others or try to make them feel bad about themselves for sharing their feelings.
Posted 10/10/2008 2:45 PM (GMT 0)
(((((((((((((((Beth))))))))))))))))))

How are you doing today?
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12