HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Despair

Support Forums
>
Ulcerative Colitis
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 8/26/2009 8:36 AM (GMT 0)
OK so it's after 1 am my time.   No need to go in to all the crap that my relationship has to offer (and don't take that the wrong way - he's a truly great guy in so may ways), he's bipolar himself, and I thought he of all people would understand the comfort one needs when on prednisone (due to the depression part).  Maybe he was just having a bad day but BOY was I wrong! We just had a HUGE blowout and I don't even know why. Well, I do in a sense - today kind of feels like the "peak' of my prednisone. I have been on crying jags and panic attacks for days, he's said for days don't be sorry if I cry when I don't even know why, etc., but something really set me off today. And what did I get? No understanding. NOTHING! He was flippant, rude, even made a comment about how I'm like my crazy mother! Now he wants to postpone the wedding date. HUH? I cried and cried and litereally begged him to just please understand (of course through my defensive, harsh words that I'm sure did not help), but told him that no mater how hard it may be for him, I truly just need someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be OK. But no - we need counseling, blah blah.  He couldn't see through his masculinit and just say "come here, let me hold you'.  When he's in a good mood, we can work though anything.  Not today - and today was the WORST day to be wrong about that. I feel like everything I said was a fight, an offensive to him.  I hate life right now. No, suicide is not an option for me, but I do feel like going to live under a bridge for a while so I don't have to be stuck in the same house as him because I feel like such a burden.  He's going though a lot too he says.  He doesn't share that with me, instead he says since it's business-related it's suddenly today 'none of my business', instead of the usual stuff of how everyday life goes for a couple (or so I thought) as in telling things about how your day went, what so-and-so said, etc. I really just want this all to end. I know once I'm off the prednisoe everything will feel different, but I'm afraid I can't let go of some of what he said today.  I turn to him for support. Now he's not there, he's just mad at everything I say because it doesn't make sense to him. I beg him to read about the side effects (of prednisone), and he tells me all the websites just say 'depression' (and some even say those side effects are rare!). I try to tell him there are many sides to depression, but he doesn't listen to my words of 'despodent', 'heartbroken', 'pain', 'broken'. I am so sorry to bring this into a public forum, but I really need to feel understood by SOMEONE. I am very sad, and all I want is a hug  
Posted 8/26/2009 12:37 PM (GMT 0)
((aww AJ)) Here's your hug sweetie. I have not really been on a bad pred roller coaster before since I've never been on pred. But I have been on long term courses of cortisteroids (which can accumulate over time) so I can totally understand feeling alone and misunderstood. Hang in there, take a deep breath and calm down.
Posted 8/26/2009 1:21 PM (GMT 0)
((((( AJ ))))) Hugs for you.

I'm sorry you had such a rotten day, and hope today will be much better. In my case, steroids made me a raving witch, so my poor husband probably felt like you do.
Posted 8/26/2009 1:30 PM (GMT 0)
I totally know how you feel. The last time I was on pred I was in a tailspin with anxiety and depression and my DH just didn't get it. Things seem SO terrible when you're on the pred and the depression/anxiety hits. You feel sure that things are never going to get better. Are you taking any anti-depressants? I eventually went on Effexor and I feel SO much better! Hang in there, vent to us anytime! Hugs.
Posted 8/26/2009 2:49 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry you had a bad day . I hope today will be better hugs
Posted 8/26/2009 3:14 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry! ((hugs))
My dad is bipolar, so I can totally see why your fiancee wasn't able to offer what you needed. Even when my dad is only a *little* bit off, he can be extremely arrogant, rude, and cold. So it's likely just because of his disorder.

There's a bipolar forum on HealingWell, so if he or you need to go there, please do!
Posted 8/26/2009 6:50 PM (GMT 0)
I'm also sorry to hear about your fight; however, it could be a wake up call. Folks who suffer from chronic illness really need a partner who's loving and supportive and can provide an understanding, stress-free home life. For many of us, stress and emotional upheaval are key factors in flares, so peace at home is essential. There are many people who aren't able to provide that amount of support for a partner or family member - due to personality, self-absorption and/or having emotional, mental or physical problems of their own. I'd urge you to try to take an honest look at him and your relationship and see if it's in your best interest to continue. A family member or friend may be able to help you make an honest evaluation if you feel like you're too close to the situation or the pred has you too off balance to judge. I say all this because I was in such a relationship when I was diagnosed and my partner's inability to provide care and support made a bad situation much worse. We split up and I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful partner who's always there for me, no matter what's going on - and that is priceless.
Posted 8/26/2009 6:56 PM (GMT 0)
ditto princesa.

A bipolar person needs LOTS of support and understanding as well. One thing they can't do, I don't think, is have a lot of expectations upon them that requires more than they can give. Now, that goes for a lot of us with depression or anxiety as well.

AJ...weren't you married before? or is this the same man you were with a long time ago?

It's not really the pred, but you have to take into consideration that pred isn't right for you. The issue is underlying regardless of what you're taking.

quincy
Posted 8/26/2009 10:41 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with princessa and quincy. *hug*
Posted 8/28/2009 2:20 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone. I was married before (we split up for different reasons, nothing really to do with my UC), this is a new guy. Today I just sat around and watched TV, haven't even showered or brushed my teeth. I emailed my dr. and he's putting me on prozac so maybe that will help. I really appreciate the advice Princesa, I know exactly what you mean - the last guy I was with before this was SO selfish andif I told what he did the last time I was sick you'd all be astonished. Peace in my home is paramount. Last night he had a full-blown breakdownI think triggered by all the stress in his life, and having been thru panic attacks myself, I helped him through it. He felt terrible about not being as supportive of me the past couple days, and especially after seeing me still care for him even after that. I think it's probably what needed to happen. Fortunately, he is always willing to try harder. He's trying to get more into Buddhism and peacefulness, and he is trying to see through any 'episodes' and handle it, and is looking into changing his meds as well. He asked me today if there was anything he could do to help life me out of my funk, and even though thre's really not, just having him there helped a little. I suppose it's a learning process for him. I'm not hapy that he didn't handle it well when I needed him, but as long as he knows that's not a good thing and trying to improve it is a good thing and I see that. He really is a good guy. We even had dinner with his mom last night and she's trying to be suportive too, although she called him at work today to see how I was doing. Why she didn't call me I don't know ....
Posted 8/28/2009 6:15 AM (GMT 0)
That's a big commitment AJ....hope you have good psychological support as well.

q
Posted 8/29/2009 1:24 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Quincy - I do :) I actually went to the BP board here as well (for him), and he made a doctor's appointment to possibly change his meds. I know with his mental state it can be hard for him to control sometimes, however if I needed anything from him for anything he would be there in a heartbeat. I am confident in that - kinda one of the reasons I'm marrying him ;) I've got to get you guys a picture!
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply