marriage question

I can slightly relate to this. I was diagnosed 7 weeks before my wedding in 2006. My fiance (husband now) did not realy get to see how the flare ups were first hand as I still lived at home with my parents..I also kinda feel like he was a bit scared to really get involved but thats another post all together :) Anyway..after we got married I didnt flare until the birth of our son who is also 2 years old now. My husband had to work and I needed the help with my son during this massive flare so I too went to stay with my mom. Husbo was not the happiest but he did understand. I only stayed for 10 days and it was no vacation by any means. This flare was horribvle but as soon as I got looked and got my meds I was back at home.
My husband understood that since I was on maternity leave and he had to work that someone was gonna have to help me out in the state I was in. In our case it was short lived and quite necessary given the condition I was in. At first he was not keen on the idea and I think his pride was shot down that his wife and kid were leaving for a bit to get some help..but he really did understand the need once he really saw how things are in a big flare.

How long has she been away?

she moved out from may 08 to jan 09 and then may 09 to current

I agree..there may be other issues to deal with that the UC is masking ..my stay at my moms was 10 days only and was not an escape from any other problems....my husband worked long days and I needed help and that was that. He came to see us every night after work until it was bedtime..and after my colonoscopy and meds..I went home...I missed him and did not want him away from our newborn son.
You reallly need to talk to your wife. That is a long time to not be living together and it sounds as if she is totally comfy with this arrangement.

I agree that there is more going on here than her health issues. You've been married for 2 1/2 years, and by my calculations she's been living away from you for more than half that time. You may want to consider ongoing marriage counseling to determine what factors are operating here and help both of you decide how you want to deal with them.

Divorce is always disruptive, but at least you'd have a court order allowing you time with your son.

Sounds like you guys need counseling. She could be using her UC as an excuse not to be with you. It's a disease that a handful of people might use to manipulate others. Do you trust her? I don't think she has the leave and cleave concept down yet. She could always use help during the day but at night you would be there. Since your child is 2 she could nap while he's napping. Definitely bigger issues going on there. That's a long time to be away from home. Granted it's not the ideal situation, but many of us on this board have dealt with flares all alone, while raising multiple children. You do what you have to do. And if she is really getting up 3-4 times a night while on Remicade I'm not sure it's really helping. I know it takes Remicade longer to work for some people and maybe she falls in this category.

Personal opinion here:

I got diagnosed 2 years after my husband and I got married. I didn't leave the house to seek my families help. My husband was still going to college, and working while I was extremely sick. He also got things worked out so that he took care of me for a month when I got out of the hospital. I personally think that when you get married it's through thick and thin, and when you get married you cleave to each other, not lean on your family. You are suppose to lean on each other. I wonder if she's having some insecurities about having this disease and being married. I agree with the others who have mentioned counseling... maybe that can help you guys.

I was sick, though i didnt know what i had, when my husband and i started dating, i got in my first flare and diagonsed may 2001, we got married march 2001. So great honeymoon time for us,lol.
I was sick until April 17th 2007. And during that entire time, even when i could barely get out of bed, i didnt leave my house. Myhusband worked nights, and was gone about 6 to 8 weeks out of the year for meetings. Now, my mom does live next door as does the rest of my family, so i had help if i wanted it. And they did help some.
When i got pregnant, in 2004 and was unable to drive, my family drove me places, if i HAD to go, but i didnt go stay with them. I stayed at my house where i belonged! If i wanted to live with my momma i wouldnt have gotten married!
Anyway, when my son was born, june 2005, my family came up and helped some, as did his mom. My sister and her fiancee acutlaly lived with us for a while, their house closed before the new one was ready! that helped alot, but still i didnt go. And when they werent here, i took care of my son, by myself. Days when i could barely get out of bed, i didit anyway. i had that poor kid in the bathroom with me most of the time.
after i had surgery in april 2007, he stayed with my granmda for 5 weeks, because i was unable to lift him, he wasnt even 2 yet, and it was better for him. Jason had to go back to work, and michael likes to sleep in teh bed with me, which wouldnt have worked. Even then though, michael came hom everyday and i looked after him everyday.
What bothers me most about your situation is her not letting you take your son on your own. (unless you have shown her some reason you cant take care of him, like being drunk wtih him or something) thats ridiculous, you are his father and you love him, and its not good for anyone for you not to get to see him! I also know, that if she keeps her kid with her all the time, and doesnt trust anyone else with him, you will end up with a clingy scared kid who wont be able to function without her. My SIL wont let her kids do anything without her, she literally wont even let their dad take the oldest in the backyard without her watching (this is a huge mesed up situation anyway, her husband is a truck driver and she apparetnly isnt able to take care of her children alone, so she either stays with her mom or her mom stays with her while he is gone) but anyway because of that those kids are terrified to be away from her. The oldest wouldnt even walk around chuckecheese with me and my son, without his mom right there with him! and he is only 3 imagine what he is going to be like after a lifetime of that.
Its hard to let your children go with other people, becuase truthfully, noone loves you liek your mommy and noone can take care of you like yoru mommy, BUT you have to trust that other people love your kid and can take care of them also.
Ok anyway, i ramble to get to my point.
She needs to come home, its her place. If i were you i would have told her months ago to get her butt home or you were leaving her and that way you could at least have partial custody of your son.
Good luck!

I dont think there is anything wrong with her being with her family if you cant not stay home and help care for her and your son,. SOMEONE needs to go tot work right? and in my case we coudl NOT afford for both of us to be off..all the power to those of you who can...that is great news :)
I just think the length of time away is not normal.and the situ with your son as well. Obviously she is really liking this time away...so much that she will stay away from her hubby and son!

I agree with texas girl theres another reason why she doesnt want you to see your child.

Get this sorted soon UC or no UC she cant tell you to keep away from your child!

I feel bad for you , if I dont see my daughter for a day I hate it, Im gonna be working full time next week and wont see my child as much due to the hours I work but I get to come home every night to see her.

Its not right! time for a serious heart to heart

Definitely not right. Not to mention the son thing. That's ridiculous, sure you have to work, but it doesn't mean you don't care for either of them and won't watch your son.

I just wanted to let you know that there are liscensed marriage and family therapists that specialize in chronic illness, please be aware that it might take you several different therapist to find one you like.

I was also wondering how old are you and how old is she?

HI

I agree with many who say there maybe another issue than your wifes colitis .....

I have has uc since the birth of my forst child 4 years ago and have been in a major flare for months, when I got really bad my mum came and stayed over at my place and helped as much as she could with my 2 girls .. but I never moved out from my husband, he helps out alot, he will vacume and he does the dishwasher in the morning things like that.

Cany your wifes mum not come over to your place and help her in the day there ...so shes home with you and your child is in his own bed ?
Also, its very strange she wont let you be alone with your own child ? you should say... im taking him to the park today if she says you cant have him then you must insist. Hes your child too. Its not like your going to let any harm come to your own child!!!

It sounds like you need to he a chat with her as although its hard living with active dieseese theres no reason to be away from your own home .... (unless the toilet doesnt work!)