Healing and Humor

The other day i was screaming for a lifeguard because i was drowning,the lifeguard swam out to me and said-KEEP IT DOWN I WAS SCARYING ALL THE KIDS.I said to my wife -rate me on a scale of 1-10?She said she couldn't because she was NO GOOD AT FRACTIONS.

I said to my wife-hey honey lets take out a home improvement loan and do some work on the house -she gave me a thousand bucks and told me to MOVE OUT.

if anyone has about 10 minutes, go to youtube and look up "jim gaffigan hot pocket" and watch his stand up routine on hot pockets. 

Two women in a room.........silent.

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LOL...like that will ever happen..
q

i said to the bartender make me a zombie,he said GOD BEAT HIM TO IT.

I said to the taxi driver bring me to a place i can get some[female]action-he brought me to MY HOUSE.My wife is a great cook in my house we pray after we eat

does anyone read books?

I got "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem" by Jeff Foxworthy. Laughed out loud once so far...about poop. lol

The Lone Ranger and his faithful Indian companion Tonto were riding the prairie when all of a sudden they saw hundreds of Indians charging at them from the North.

They immediately tried to ride and escape southwards when they saw another band of hundreds of Indians charging at them from the South.

Stopping to assess the situation the Lone Ranger said to his faithful Indian companion Tonto, “Looks like we are in a heap of trouble”

Faithful Indian companion Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said
“What’s this ‘WE’ stuff, White Boy?”

I enjoy the Bill Waterson (Calvin and Hobbes) collections and Berke Breathed (Bloom County/Outland/Opus) collections.  YES I like my books to have pictures!

I say this joke without adding a stereotype (some say blonde, some say newfie etc...you get it)

3 workers were sitting atop a building one day on there lunch break.
Worker 1 opens his lunch..."If my wife gives me tuna one more time, I am going to jump off this building..I hate tuna"
Worker 2 opens his lunch..."If my wife gives me egg salad one more time, I am going to jump off this building with you...I hate egg salad"
Worker 3 opens his lunch..."If my wife gives me balogna one more time, I'm jumping with you guys...I hate balogna"

The next day...worker 1 gets tuna...off he goes to his death. Worker 2 gets egg salad...off he goes to his death. Worker 3 gets balogna...off he goes to his death.

Later that week at the funerals, the 3 wives are talking....
Wife 1 says "If I only knew he hated tuna, I would have never made it again...I am so sad"
Wife 2 says "If I only knew he hated egg salad, I would have never made it either...I feel awful"
Wife 3 starts sobbing. The other 2 comfort her and say "it's not your fault" Wife 3 says..."I don't understand...he packed his own lunch!"

If we can laugh with this disease they we have a great chance with getting to remission[it's got to help].How's this one-i went out to a restaurant for dinner-i ordered a lobster-the waiter brings me my lobster and it only has one claw-i said to the waiter what happened to my other claw,he said sometimes the lobsters fight and my lobster lost-i said to him WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING ME THE WINNER.I was depressed so i called the suicide prevention hotline-THEY TRIED TO TALK ME INTO IT-I GET NO RESPECT-NO RESPECT AT ALL.