Feeling worthless

I've been posting here now for one year and this is my first pity thread. Hopefully I can keep it to one per year.

My fiancee left for Hati early Sunday morning. In the weeks leading up to the trip I talked a big game to our friends and family about how you couldn't pay me to go and all this. I knew I was putting on for them to a degree, that I really would like to go. I woke up at 2AM this morning and saw a text from her. She had recorded an mp4 of the local church singing singing and sent it to me. I desperatley wish I could have gone. I actually cried a lot laying there in bed-something I don't do very often. But, having to sleep on a deck outside with a lot of other people trying to adminster Rowasa at night-next to impossible. Not having a clue as to what food would be provided until you got there-couldn't do that. I feel so worthless and trapped by this illness. It's not like I'm pouting because I can't go sit on the beach in the Caribbean for a week, I'm upset that I couldn't got work for someone I've never met! At the risk of sounding like an impetuous child: I'ts not fair! I hate this disease!

Levi,

I am so sorry about this.  I think we all have pity parties every now and than ( I certainly do).  I also think about how hard it would be to administer a Rowasa during various situations and while I'm so grateful to have them...I also feel chained to them to some extent.   I often wish for my life pre-UC but than know it is not helpful and than try to move on.   Allow yourself all the pity you need  and than do some things that you  really enjoy and be good to yourself.  UC is a tough disease.

Hugs,

B

Gosh, Levi - you are allowed a pity party once in a while! And what better place to share it than here?
I'm sure in this particular instance it's a multi-faceted issue, because it involves a separation from your fiance, in addition to the fact that she has gone someplace with a dramatic need where she can be useful, and also she has gone someplace it would be difficult for you to go - at the moment, anyway. But... maybe next time you'll be in a solid remission and go! Missing this trip does not mean you can "never" do this - it just means you've missed this particular trip.

Once in a while situations like this hit me in the face. Both my kids have gone from the US to Honduras on work trips, even my younger son, a year after his UC diagnosis! And so far I have not. But... someday, when I'm in a solid remission, I may yet do so.
And maybe when you're in a solid remission you'll go to Haiti or whatever place of need - but as you've had these lingering symptoms, it's probably prudent that you skipped this particular one.
If going on a trip like this is something you really want to do, I'd advise you to start learning way in advance how you could do so safely (check out melaxOx's thread about going on vacation to Mexico), talk to your GI about it at some point, and aim for it!

For me, it's that question again - Am I a sick person with periods of wellness or a well person with periods of sickness? My son has mentioned that he might like to take some time off before college and travel... I'm hoping this idea will go away until he's a little older, partly because - how would he deal in another country if he flared? He's never even gone to the GI by himself, much less dealt with what might be involved if he were in another country.... but do I want to squelch his dreams? I'm keeping my lips zipped for now; I want him to believe he can do anything.

So... if you can get those bits of symptoms taken care of, you can, too!

You are allowed a pity party, once in awhile- but, it's over! Quick, stop the pity! Honestly, you could probably give yourself 3 enemas & no one around you would even notice.. people are a lot less attuned to things than we think. Other people don't notice too much about other, ordinary people. You simply cannot allow UC to prevent you from doing things- pack diapers & do what you want. Once you start to modify your plans based on your UC, the disease has won. In this specific case though, what with the cholera outbreak you probably wouldn't want to risk it- it'd be a VERY bad thing for someone with UC to contract cholera. However- there are many organizations in your local area that you can work with- you don't necessarily have to go halfway round the world to make a difference.

Thanks guys, you have really made me feel a lot better. I appreciate all the wise words and have taken them to mind. And the cake. :)

She still hasn't gotten hold of a cell phone and texted or called me yet, so she better hurry and do that or this pity party's gonna turn into a planning session for some payback when she gets home Saturday 

I would not have gone. The anxiety would have been torture.
There are many cool things you can do that are within your comfort zone.
Don't feel bad or guilty about it, although it's OK to feel sad.

Yes. But it does not sound like Levi is in bed sick from a serious flare. He said he didn't go because he was worried about the food and having to administer Rowasa. These are reasons of anxiety, not reasons of being too sick to go.

I didn't mean to start a debate about little 'ole me :). Subdued may very well be right-maybe I could have gone and maybe I should have gone. But that really wasn't my point. The issue was I perceived that I could not go, which led me to feel "worthless." That's what I seem to be learning from this and as a result I'm going to start trying to expand my UC related comfort zone, slowly but surely.

I still haven't talked to her and in our seven years of dating I haven't gone over 24 hourse without talking to her, so I'm counting down the hours till I'm at the terminal waiting Saturday night

I have an appointment tommorow so I'll see what the GI says about this little yet persistant amount of blood. He might want to add a steroid enema or do a sigmoidoscopy, we'll see. :(

First-No she wasn't upset, she competley understands.

I did get to my appointment yesterday and the doc is going to be doing a flex sig in two weeks to take a look and see what's going on...