Posted 11/3/2012 7:16 AM (GMT 0)
This is a true story I wanted to share with you all. I hope it brings a chuckle to your day. xoxox
Toot it and Boot it.
A little less then a year before I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis I was having a typical single girls night with a guy that I had known for some time. Boy was he handsome!
It was Friday night In Los Angeles and I invited him over to my apartment. The evening was filled with clinking wine glasses and my infamous baked lemon chicken.
During this time my drink of choice was red wine, which now-a-days causes a major problem with my UC that includes farts galore and diarrhea. Gross I know! but hey like you haven’t been there, heheh! … Anyways, as the night was coming to an end around 1am I kissed him goodbye and watched him walk to his car. As he waved bye from a distance I felt this immense pain in my abdomen and terrible urgency. This was becoming more typical for me, but I ignored the change in bowel movements. Bad idea!
I bust inside my apartment, throwing my door open, there was no time to shut it. I rushed to my porcelain thrown (well my porcelain best friend at the time) and I relieved my urgency with some of the loudest, squishiest farts I’ve ever experienced. The farts were never ending and the cramps seemed unbearable that I had to moan out, “ouch, grrr, omg! "
about a minuet later I heard a voice, I paused, my startelness immediately overran my pain. I was praying it was the TV or radio I left on…. Nope….
“Hello? Linda? Is that you in the bathroom? I forgot my jacket so I came back in to get it”
I had about five million excuses running through my mind and only 3 seconds to respond. I thought I could just remain silent and pretend like their was nobody in the bathroom and those sounds he heard were a figment of his imagination. I could jump out my 3x3 bathroom window and to the front door and surprise him like, "hey surprise! I was never in that bathroom silly" … Crap (literally) what the heck was I thinking none of those things were going to work.
So I hoped for the best that he walked in after my orchestra of farts. So I yelled from the toilet seat, “oh, umm, hey Josh, umm, yes I’m in the bathroom just about to jump in the shower… What! OMG why did I just say that!!
“Umm yea, okay a shower at 1am? Sounds like something else in there”
Holy crap (literally) what the bannanas just happened! I have never been so humiliated in my life, he was never going to call me back again or he was going to tell all his friends tomorrow about how this hot girl he was dating stunk up the bathroom while waking up her entire complex with her boisterous toots!
The next morning I wanted to avoid any human interaction that day, but I rolled over to see the time on my blackberry. crap! (literally) a text message from Josh. Should I check it? Should I just delete them before I start to wake up, then I can trick myself to believing that text was in my dream. So I did what any respectable woman would do…I went to the kitchen and made myself a strong mimosa, went outside on my balcony and opened up the text.
“Linda, you're still sexy even with those thunder roaring farts, you sure know hot to toot it and boot it!” The song is now a classic for me, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWlMhiEL9Mc