OT - Progression of Dating Relationship

Hi Thoreau
Well here goes....
You said " For the most part I haven't weirded her out, except for telling her I like to talk on the phone a little bit every day to whomever I'm in a relationship with. She felt pressured by that she said."

I should start by saying that I think you're a good guy. Seems like only a few months ago, you were bemoaning the fact that you couldn't find someone nice. Well, it sounds like you lucked out and found a good one.... but, for God's sake, what's your hurry?

Take it easy, don't hold on too hard and.... give her space.
When you feel the need to speak to her every day, it comes across (to me) as controlling.
Do you ask her to account for her whereabouts?
That would scare anyone away.

IMO, you need to have other interests and friends so you are not perceived as "depending" on her. If she feels that you are, it would create pressure. Have you hard the term "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? There's some truth in it.

I had a friend who drove me crazy because she insisted on calling every day and was very annoyed if I didn't immediately return calls. It becomes like a trap! Do you ever give her a chance to call you when it's convenient for her?
Give her a chance to miss you.

Again, IMO, you would be smart to go slow and respect her wishes. Listen to what she wants. If the two of you are right for each other, things will work out.

As far as rushing headlong...have you heard the phrase:
Marry in haste...Repent at leisure ?
Unless you're in a hurry to populate the planet with little Thoreaus, slow down!!!!!

I'm talking to you like I talk to my son.

killcolitis said...
Follow your (hopefully not too messed up at the moment) gut is all I can advise...

Haha. Killcolitis, thanks for making these posts. I really wish your family all the best with your daughter and her treatments.

A quick thank you to everyone that's posted today. I know it's not directly UC related, but it to me is the biggest area in my life that I'd like to change/improve. A well balanced life is definitely good for UC, and I appreciate your responses as I learn, always.

As a side note, it's a blizzard where I'm at! If any of you have the same sort of weather please stay safe!

If you ask her where you stand, you immediately lose the upper hand in the relationship..lol I'm 28 and never met anyone who impressed me enough to want to spend the rest of my life with, but I do enjoy the whole dating game in the meantime. But I do move slow if I'm interested in someone..just because I like to savor the small things.

Of course, but in my experience, I am only drawn to those who are a little hard to get. I'm on a dating web site just for amusement mostly, but a guy who I was interested in by his profile and pictures sent me a message and I replied last night. When I woke up, I had 3 messages from him in my inbox. I immediately lost interest and probably won't write back. I know your relationship is much more progressed, but I believe you have to miss each other from time to time to keep the spark alive.

sounds like a job interview - and boy, aren't those fun !

I was once hit on by this beautiful woman when out with friends at a bar. She was a personal trainer and she looked like it. She threw so many questions at me at once about my life, if my neighborhood was a good one to raise kids in, etc... that it DID feel like an interview.

I don't know why in the heck you'd get three emails from a guy before you responded to him, unless they were all the same and it just sent them repeatedly. That IS desperate.

Awwwww, I really enjoyed reading these posts. It brought back memories. My husband and I have been married 17 years. I had dated a little during high school and more during college. I had even dated one guy for 1 1/2 years and had felt deep down that he wouldn't be the right one to marry. We had many things in common, had fun together but our values were very different. I met my husband at my second job out of college; we were both engineers at a manufacturing plant. I really felt like (right away) that he was the one I was going to marry. We met in April, became engaged in November, and married at the end of January. Talk about things moving fast! I have never regretted it. At 26 years old, I knew what I was looking for and knew when I found that person. I agree with the other posts that if it takes her longer to be sure you are the right person for her, that is okay. Best of luck to you!

Southerngirl... good luck with Kevin! ;) When I did online I usually started with something funny or kidding rather than a compliment. Seemed to work pretty well.

I'd suggest that if a guy isn't terribly needy, is cute enough, and seems to have similar values/goals that you give him a shot. On my second date with this girl there was a certain point where I'd written her off as having another date. Funny enough she said the same thing to me later. We both had the wrong idea about each other, but were smart enough to withhold judgement and get to know each other better. I'm so glad I did. She's called me twice tonight, and then sent me a text telling me that she likes everything about me and is very glad she met me.

The whole "losing the upper hand" isn't as big of an issue when you ARE a great catch and confident. It's easier to bring up needs in a confident manner, as a discussion rather than a plea.

Susan451: I'm glad you've enjoyed these posts. I'm trying to enjoy the process but learn from it, too. I think it's a very special part of life, and I'm really putting in the effort to make the right choices the first time around.

Hi Thoreau
I apologize if you thought I was treating you like a child. I really meant to be helpful. When I said I was speaking with you like I do with my son, I should clarify that my son is 49 years old.

I'm 70 and have been single since I was 38. We've watched our friends get involved with the wrong people with disastrous results so we're both very cautious.
He's gotten angry with me at times because I tend to be direct about what I think. The problem.... I am usually at least partially correct in my observations.

I'm happy to say he's found a really great woman with whom he's currently happily sharing his life.
That's what I wanted for him and I hope you find it as well.

We're cool, ItsAlwaysSomething. I know you are meaning well... and yes, definitely it's good to be your own person in these situations as well as let the other person be themselves.

All I really wanted from this initial post was to hear of some successes from people who've developed long term relationships based on very strong initial feelings. Both Fruitgirl and KillColitis have confirmed that sometimes you "just know" about a person.

The woman I'm seeing is probably a little less distant than I've made it seem here. She definitely misses me often and is falling for me, she is just going to need longer to commit herself mind, body and soul than I need. I think this is based on her being a bit younger than I am, as well as having not had any good experiences (only bad ones) becoming physical with men. Last night she called me twice to talk to me for an hour each time, and then sent a text telling me that she thinks about me every night before she goes to bed, is really glad she met me, and that she likes everything about me. I didn't ask for those calls or text, and it was pretty easy to see her desire for me.

Again, I was just looking for some varying life experiences overall. I think from these posts it's fair to say that everyone is different. It's best to be true to your own self, but not to be in haste in the beginning of a relationship unless it is obviously reciprocated by the other half without any pressure. If that's the case, it may just be that you've both found someone incredibly special!

Thanks for responding. There are no hard feelings at all and I'm glad to hear your perspective. I usually like the tough love tell it like it is approach.

I think sometimes you have to back away, look at their actions, and ignore their words to see how they really feel!