Not happy

This is another venting post for those willing to read.

This morning, whilst driving to work, I felt an impending urge to have a BM. This has never happened before, even when I was (technically) flaring. Each day I drive to work, I always park my car at my dad's apartment (he has an apartment in the city). Anyway, this morning, after parking my car, I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it after my 15 minute walk to the office, so I used the bathroom in my dad's apartment. What came out was violent D (no blood). I was so depressed for the rest of the day, I didn't even want to speak to any of my work collegues. I was in no mood to speak with anyone, so when people spoke to me, it was really awkward. Even before my tummy troubles, I was socially anxious, but now with my messed up gut, I get even more anxious.

I really thought I was making progress. My main issue this year has been that I always needed to use the bathroom shortly after eating. about a month ago I started Donnatab (Atropine + Hyoscyamine). I would take 2 tablets, 30 mins before eating and everything was smooth, no tummy ache, no urge to use the bathroom. I used that for a week, then switched to Bentylol (because I didn't want Donnatab to lose its effect on me). Bentylol didn't seem as effective as Donnatab but still helped me eat without having to have a BM. That week I also started Dicetel (Pinaverium) and 50mg of Amitriptyline (both of which I have continued even till now). The week after Bentylol, I switched again to Trimebutine Maelate (which also seemed to help some what). All these are antispasmodics. This week, I have switched back to Donnatab and will start the cycle again. During this process, I noticed that I still had loose stools (but not as much D as I used to previously), so I decided to start some Metamucil (2 teaspoons with a cup of water every day).

The metamucil helped to 'artificially' bulk my stools but I still had loose stools. Today was the 6th day that I had been on metamucil.

I can't figure out why I had lost control this morning and had violent D. Yesterday I had the same meal I've had previously (with no issues). The only three things I did differently were:

1) Yesterday, before bed, I had my 2 teaspoons of metamucil but I drank the whole cup in one gulp instead of drinking it over a duration of 10 minutes.

2) I've stopped my Kefir probiotic yoghurt since Monday this week because I am planning on doing a stool test next week and I don't want the probiotic to influence the results

3) I haven't slept well for the last 2 days (generally only 5 hours of solid sleep).

For the last 2 - 3 weeks, because I was generally doing better with the aid of antispasmodics, I was eating more. I've gained about 6kg in the last 2 weeks because of how much I've been eating (which is good since I used to weigh 50kg despite being 160m tall and a male).

Unfortunately, I feel really miserable at the moment. It really feels like I haven't made any progress at all and the last 3 weeks meant nothing. The part I hated the most about this morning was the lack of control I had... If I was able to comfortably hold on till I reached the office, then I wouldn't be bothered. But I really had to use my dad's apartment toilet because I couldn't hold on. What if my dad didn't have an apartment in the city? I don't know what I'd do.

Sorry to post such a long thread, I just don't have anyone to talk to (no one in my family will listen). I obviously can't tell my collegues or manager so I just have to keep everything bottled up. I understand others on this forum have it 100 times worse than I do. I do sympathise with them and am grateful for what I have, its just hard not to feel depressed when your bowel habits start controling you instead of the other way round. I am also depressed by the fact I still don't understand what's going on. Ever since the FTs, my tummy has gone hay wire.

I have a stool test next week and then an abdominal MRI in early October to check for any intestinal abnormalities (though I am very sure they won't find anything and will just say its IBS).

Anyways, thanks for listening. I am tempted to take my 1st sick day of this year tomorrow, not because I don't feel like I can physically go to work, but more so because I just feel so emotionally upset.

Thanks Andrina.

How are you going? I remember reading that you were improving?

I do feel comforted that others are aware of my troubles, even if I don't know them personally, sharing my troubles makes me feel better.

Sorry your feeling poorly. Sounds like you need a mental health day. This disease is horrible and what it can do to us mentally can be overwhelming. Know your not alone.

" obviously can't tell my collegues or manager"

You don't tell your peers? I had to tell them when 2 years ago I was losing weight week by week and turning white.

My immediate thought was what ingredients are in the Metamucil, there are a few that my gut dislikes and would react as you describe

I understand you feeling down when you thought things were going well but one incident does not mean a flare. 2 incidents would mean start worrying that it's a trend rather than a blip.

Perhaps the missing Kefir is the missing link. Or something sneaked into your food (I see fructose and sorbitol are an issue).

Good luck sorting it out.

Thanks for the support everyone.

This morning was better. I went twice in the morning but both were loose instead of D. I think my mood was slightly better too. In total I had 3 BMs.

At least I have two days to rest as well.