Getting Really Depressed

Well, her and I had over an hour long conversation tonight on the phone which went nowhere except to pretty much solidify that we aren't giving in to each other. I told her I just simply cannot make everything happen the way she wants. I told her I'd rather start out living in my place and then see if we can sell the home at a decent price, not out of desperation. She said that this means I'm getting my way and that she gets none of her way. I tried to explain it was just simply the start of our lives together, and that we would work on finding a medium ground, but with patience. I am having a hard time seeing how I'm offering a paid for home in a great location to begin our lives, and that it's more important to have perfection right off the bat in terms of preferences than getting to be together and work out our life together as time goes on.

I got up this morning and drove what would be her commute from my place, at the time she would go. It was 32 minutes. She prefers to say it's 45-60 minutes. Her commute now is around 20. This somehow is a make-or-break issue that is holding us back from anything good, and making us rather upset with each other.

I definitely have some work to do on relationships. Either I make a ton of sacrifices, or she makes a small one. I don't know how to handle it. I've even told her I would do more of our dishes and such so she'd still have the same amount of time even with a bit longer drive. No deal.

I'm not moving towards marriage with any speed at the moment. This week has been a train-wreck so far. I felt like I offered a solution: either we get married and live in my home, or we don't get married for a long while so I don't get stressed out as I take care of things here. It's been too much stress and no fun to try to do everything on my own here.

Madpotter said...
Can I live in your "paid for" home? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. No mortgage? Most couples spend 30 years of their marriage paying off a home. Maybe she doesn't understand this now, but if you two ever want kids living in a free house will make your life together so much better. I know you mentioned one bedroom, but maybe in years to come when the market value rises you could pull some equity out and add on for a kiddo.

Totally agree with soystud!!! Get a marriage counselor!!

Some beautiful girl is going to want to share a free house in a great location with a handsome dude! mark my words!

I have a counselor lined up that we were going to use for pre-marital stuff. I'm sure she'd be good at this as well. But, we'll see where things lead. It's been two evenings of arguments without a whole lot of love going around. The whole point was that I was stressed to a breaking point. This isn't helping, lol.

Hmmm Thoreau, sounds like you have your hands full with this lady of yours. Therapy could help as long as you both go into it willing to listen and change otherwise it is a waste of time. Marriages aren't all about keeping a scoreboard of who's getting his or her way; who's ahead and who's behind like in professional sports or something. If one or both of you enters a marriage thinking that then there's going to be trouble down the line for certain. A lot of unexpected things come up and as a couple you try to make the best decision for the both of you (not consistently making lopsided decisions only benefiting one of you as that's just selfish).

Sounds like she's probably a little immature, accustomed to getting her own way, and/or is trying to be controlling in the relationship. I've learned that once a woman stops making any logical sense during an argument, then henceforth the argument is now all about an emotion to her. From that point forward, it doesn't work to continue using logic in the argument; as she isn't. That's the point you at minimum need to change tactics or walk away before insult turns to injury.

No mortgage and a 32 minute commute that's pretty darn good! I feel once you get just over an hour commute then that's when you really need to relocate (as bad weather and bad traffic can turn that into 1.5 hours or more easily). See what I said above about logic, if it isn't there then it's instead all about getting her way.

A paid for house and 32-minute commute? As has been pointed out, most of us would swap you for a short commute like that in a heart-beat! I don't believe these are truly things she can't tolerate, it sounds more like she doesn't want to set herself up to be a door mat in the relationship. Meaning, maybe she thinks if she gives in to this now, she will always be the one giving in for the rest of the marriage. I am looking in particular at this sentence you wrote: She said that this means I'm getting my way and that she gets none of her way.

Perhaps you (or the counselor if you see one) can somehow reassure her that you have a long life together and there will be times you will be the one giving in. Your marriage will be full of compromises. It's not you winning and her losing, or vice versa. It's choosing the best alternative for the team as a whole.

If you both are accepting to do the premarriage counselling, that's a good thing.

What's possible is that you both aren't believing that the other actually "gets" the other's perspective.

I have one idea so that emotions won't interfere at this point....Get a new scribbler for "sharing".

You can start it, and then give it to her afterward to take the time to
respond and put forth her perspective, her fears, her understanding of options, etc.    No interruptions...just thoughts put down.

Has she talked with her parents, what do they say, etc.

This will take time. What I find/have experienced is that couples miss the opportunity to voice options so that the other doesn't feel smothered or controlled. It's the way of today to want everything NOW....waiting is difficult.

Very different than the days of "old". When we bought our home, while the price was good...interest rates started climbing and reached 24%. Just imagining things could be paid off was unimaginable.

Hang tough....don't throw up your hands.

Does she have her own car? Can you make sure her car is safe for winter driving..such as winter tires, etc? You don't necessarily know one's fears until they're allowed to be expressed. One doesn't know ones's fears until another invites them to be listened to and understood.

q