Stupid Body and "Colitis Rage": a rant

I completely and totally lost it with my darn body tonight; thank god my husband wasn't home or I'd probably have scared him.

Went to the dollar store tonight on my way home to grab a couple of craft-y things to make X-mas stockings for the dogs. I'm sure all of you have had this happen: I was standing in line but had to abandon everything and leave immediately when I felt that oh-so-familiar twinge.

When I go through these sorts of things, my brain tends to compartmentalize everything in a sort of weird way; I think of my body as an entirely separate entity I call, simply, Stupid Body. Or sometimes Stupid <insert profane adjective here> Body.

Really, body? You cannot wait the three minutes until we get home? Honestly, you just HAVE to ruin yet another pair of underwear and humiliate me in public AGAIN???

By the time I got to the toilet it was of course too late. Not much, but enough to make a grand old mess. Something snapped and I flew into a rage, screaming and yelling and calling my body a foul, filthy, disgusting beast and a whole bunch of four-letter words. I told it I hated it and it was evil and horrid, cussing and swearing as I cleaned up the mess.

I keep a pair of scissors in a basket behind the commode in case I have to cut gross underwear off (it's easier than trying to separate them from the pants and getting s&* everywhere). I was in such a blind fury. . . .I now have long bloody scratches across both buttocks. I was SO angry and so fed up - part of me just wanted to punish Stupid Body. Which, I know, does not make a whole ton of sense and is on several levels Just Not Right.

Funny - I can deal with cleaning up after the dogs when something happens, no problem at all. But nothing grosses me out more than human poo, even my own. I want to dive into a vat of boiling bleach after I've had an accident. (Nope, no kids, for many reasons and diapers are on the list!)

Soooo tired of this, and I don't post here often. By comparison with many here I am fairly lucky, as I am mostly OK, with about two-three "emergencies" a week. But we have not quite yet managed to get me completely into remission and I am tired of the sanitary pads, ruined underwear, and unpleasant surprises.

My husband is a darling about it. Sometimes we are able to joke - i.e., "How was your day? I had a Bad Butt Day today." He is as empathetic as it's possible to be without actually going through the same thing.

My husband is... understanding.. but not sensitive. Hes totally fine with the poop and accidents but really insensitive to the pain and fatigue. (Were working on this)

Atleast hes hilarious. The first time I ever had a mishap I didnt realize I had pooped on the rug in front of the toilet a little. He came out of the bathroom and asked me if he needed to rub my nose in it! Lol... super funny. Were both very comfortable discussing our bodies and body functions. Thankfully! Especially when all this UC started. I had never really even had diarrhea in my life before my UC symptoms started.

im so used to my own poop now its almost disturbing :)

Embers, if u wanna lessen bms, resistant starch is the way to go. I go once every one to two days now. The potatoes and green bananas are potent!! As for ferments, i buy bubbies and whatever raw stuff whole foods sells. I got a new sauerkraut with dill thats pretty good. I make my own kefir using goats and coconut milk. Animal milks strengthen the kefir grains so i like to mix them.

Mara, I'm sorry you went through this.

First of all you need to gain remission. Please work with your GI to find the right medication for you.

Second, I was wondering if diapers would help you. Even when I get the urge to go and it goes into my pants, I won't destroy another perfectly good underwear. Also it won't go into my pants and they stay clean. Sure it's not the perfect solution, I still need to rush and clean up etc but it gave me great peace of mind.

I hate urgency and I totally feel your pain, Mara. I hope you gain remission soon.

I read you were on Lialda but you found them whole in your toilet. What did your GI say? Maybe you need to be on steroids for a little bit to help your colon heal, stick with Lialda too. Once healed, your colon should absorb Lialda fine.

hey, eg - why wait to start rs ? it is after all, just food - and you gotta eat, right ?

and I've heard of BUBBIES too - you can probably buy them direct, but I'm not sure -

Thanks all, I do need to get some help to avoid further episodes of self-injury. Of course I wasn't PLANNING that, I was just in such a red rage at the time. (And no, never ever would I hurt someone else. I never come close to getting that kind of angry at anyone, ever).

Diapers are out of the question at the moment. Right now the pad (extra long with wings) does a pretty good job.

When I say "emergencies", I suppose I ought to clarify. If I have 3/week, 2 of those are generally of the "I need to get to a bathroom now and anyone in my way is going to get run down". Most of the time there's not much poo if I DON'T make it, and the pad does catch it.

Last night I happened to not be wearing a pad - I thought it MIGHT be nice to go without for once when I got dressed yesterday morning. Stupid idea!

For the person who asked about the Lialda - I'm about done with it and am starting to suspect something fishy about the relationship between the manufacturers and the medical group where I go. I had a talk with my doctor about the pills in the toilet and she told me to keep taking them as evidently it's not uncommon but there is still some benefit? I'm only paying $20//month for them but am not impressed.

The clerk wouldn't let you use the restroom????? I kind of hope you left them a present in the aisle. I know, policy and all. . . .
Yes, I sent husband back to purchase what I threw into a nearby display in my efforts to beat a hasty retreat!