So I'm still curled in bed clutching my stomach. Feeling really depressed....so tempted to grab my last few hydrocodone, so DH ran to get me tylenol. Going through so much of that stuff. I told the kids I'd make salt dough ornaments today and I still haven't been able to get out of bed.
Guess I'm back to not eating...ate a few things yesterday that could have done it...I trusted the meds too much. Applesauce and toast for breakfast, green beans and organic corn chips for lunch with my fave aloe juice, ground turkey and potatoes in tomato sauce with homemade corn tortillas for dunner. Not much, but too much for me I guess. Was it the corn, the wheat? The luck of he draw.
I find myself in a dark place thinking....ok, this isn't fatal anytime soon....but my odds of dying in an extreme pain in grumpiness in a humilating way have increased. And all these drugs, who knows what they are doing to what was previously a very healthy body. My great grandma ended with bad osteoporosis and she was in pain and miserable and crabby. Now these steroids I will probably always need doses of to function put me in that ballpark too...on top of the pain of UC and the apparent increased odds of C.Diff. Scared today.
I keep trying to keep my head on right...my babies are healthy, I'm not dying of cancer or homeless, I have a wonderful family and devoted DH...why do I lay here hurting like I'm terminally ill feeling bad for myself!?
Gotta find a way to get rid of the pain...thats what brings me down...
Anyway...had to vent...wearing a strong face for DH as I know he's worrying, but really I just want to cry today.
