Depressed - need a life

I go back to work tomorrow maybe that's a good thing, but I'm really depressed right now.

You see, me and my sister (she is 55 yrs. old, I am 56) literally hate each other. She lives at home with my mom rent free, has been for many years. She hates everything I say and think, and I hate everything about her. I can't type this without making it sound one-sided so I won't do it.

Let's just say this evening I said something she didn't like, so she verbally attacked me over, and over, and over. Other family tried to step in, told her to stop, but I lost all my appetite and didn't eat dinner. I left just feeling very detached from all family, very depressed, and sad. This has been going on for years and I feel very sad about it because my mom lives over there and this affects everything. I could just ignore her for the rest of my life, but what a terrible existence.

So, so sad right now. I don't know what to do any more. I'm so anxious about this all I took some Ativan.

John

What did you say? Was it during the Italian dinner? You know how every profession has a "busy season"? I heard once that January is a therapists' busy season since everyone just saw family during the holidays. I have a couple people in my family that produce a similar effect on me. I know the feeling....no matter what you try the relationship doesn't improve. One of my friends pointed out that people's emotions run high during the holidays so they tend to react more intensely than they normally would. I think that's a good point. Memories/expectations tend to escalate emotions this time of year.

Maybe you should call her bluff about seeing a counselor but add the caveat that you have to go together.

john, it sucks when people we are related too are total A-holes. it's like they are always gonna be "there" whether we like it or not. your sister seems like a real piece of work, and she probably won't ever change.

and you know what?? that's ok. she can be a horrid person if she wants. you just can't let her get to you.

i always liked this quote by eleanor roosevelt- "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

i remind myself of this whenever my dad is being a jerk- which has been ever since the day i met him. i've learned to interact with him as little as possible. i hadn't spoken to him for months since my last hospital stay. he visited me and kept calling me stupid, anorexic, a tree hugger, and asking the doctors to see the lab results/ct scans because he didn't believe i was sick. his presence in my life only causes me stress and i don't deserve that kind of treatment and neither do you. you deserve to be happy and don't have to put up with your sister's petty crap.

I think y'all need to fix that pipe by filling it with something .........relaxing -

and hey, you could even invite les to join in !

Sorry about the added stress. Family drama is always draining. Try to grin and bear it, or figure out away to avoid the situation. Unfortunately you can't change how other people act...you can only change how you react to them. Frustrating? You'd better believe it! But don't wreck your energy/health on things you can't change. Good luck going back to work tomorrow. Hoping that goes well for you and the regular routine will help your state of mind.

Hugs.

Hey John, sorry to hear about the sadness you're having...

The family thing is tough because they are family. My dad has three brothers, all of which have their moments. One in particular is a huge pain in the rear. He's stolen things from my dad, screwed my dad over on deals, etc... and then whines when he doesn't get catered to. Rationality is not an option with him and his wife. As best as I have found the best way to go about it is to avoid them as much as is possible.

With your sister living with your mom you're in a pinch. I think this one is your mom's debacle to handle. If you have a good relationship with her then she needs to set the ground rules if it really is her house. Find ways you can see her without so many headaches.

A while back you were upset about the duplex you were living in because of the noisy neighbors. Has that at least died down some?

Whenever I get stressed and depressed I like to sit down with my computer, put pandora on, and kind of go into my own world. I try to take a look at my life and write down the direction I want it to head. You know... try to create some hope if at all possible.

I believe you live alone, which is sometimes a blessing and sometimes not so much... when you need a shoulder to lean on. Do you have someone or a few someones you can turn to at times like this?

You're always a cool guy in your responses to me. I hope this works out smoothly for you.

Thanks for the support, and yes I know there is always two sides to every story. Believe me, if my sister were here that would be the side you'd be hearing.

gary: As my sister was putting me down over, and over, I said "I really want this resolved. Maybe we need to go to counseling together!" My sister didn't respond, nor did any other family member.

nicecup: my mom (she's 95) tells me that she fights with my sister all the time. My sister refused to cut her hair the other day because my mom wanted it cut a certain way, so my sister said "well then I just won't cut it."

active: my sister has taken over 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms of a 4 bedroom/2 bath house. My mom is 95 so my sister argues with her all the time about how things should be done. She does not always respect my mom's wishes and they fight all the time. I was going to hang a picture my mom wanted in her room and my sister (behind my back) took it and threw it out in the trash in the alley. I went and got it and she started screaming at my mom how ugly it was. After I hung it in my mom's room my sister said to my mom she has the worst taste in the world and now she is never going to go into her bedroom ever.

Thor: I agree I'm in a pinch and it really falls with my mom. A family member was telling me that when this was happening yesterday. It really is all my mom's decision but the only thing is she is 95, getting very old, can hardly hear, and just sits there now not saying anything and lets us duke it out. Also I talked my duplex neighbors and it is very quiet now - at least that is resolved.

I just want to say to everyone my sister is a fighter, a yeller, a screamer, a tantrum thrower, a cusser, a drug user, she goes to counseling, and believes she is better than EVERYONE. My mom is always saying how she has no money, a lousy job, a clunker for a car..and would be on the street if she didn't live with my mom. I've never believed that because anyone who fights and argues with anyone about anything, and acts like they know all about politics, the war, religion, psychology, health, clothing...can go get a job and pay rent like the rest of us! When she was flipping me off yesterday and cussing I was saying NO CUSSING. "There should never be any cussing allowed when we are fighting" She laughed and laughed at me and said I cuss at her all the time which is 100% untrue. I would never, ever cuss or "flip off" a family member.

Well Ima...my mom would never ever go to a nursing home. She flat out refuses. My sister isn't the only one around, I mean my brother stops by every morning till noon, my other 2 sisters drop by on occasion and I just live several blocks away.

Yes, everyone knows my sister is a little "bezerko" but whatya goin' to do? Like my older sister was saying yesterday in the middle of the fight, "this is never going to be resolved." Dysfunctional? Yes, but whatya going to do? When I say my sister and drugs, I mean prescription. She loves prescription drugs and they are all over the house. But, whatya going to do with a 55 yr. old?!? You can't drag them off to a therapist, or kick them out. My mom just wouldn't do that EVER! She will also never charge her rent which irritates me. There I said it.

John, This is your problem. The dynamic of your mom and sister sounds bad. reading between the lines, I suspect you sister has a sexual relation with her "friend", and your mom has profoundly denied obstructed this relationship. They sound co dependent.

But you know all these things, yet you provoke and push and insert (like getting the painting out of the trash). Why even enter into that painting game between your mother and sister? You know it upsets you, yet you do things to make it worse.

Forget about getting you sister to counseling. Maybe later for that. Get yourself to counseling. Work on you being happy, and your happiness not dependent on anything your sister or mom does.

It sounds like this pattern has gone on for many years. You were telling this story of the house and your sister two years ago. How many years before that? You have not done enough to help yourself. Replies here tend to be sympathetic. But we only hear your side, and only as you choose to present it, and only what you choose to present. I think the sympathy you receive is actually enabling your dysfunctional behavior.

I hope you can make some healthy change.

DB yes, please read my post above. Time for me to move on. It's a lonely existence, but I have to start somewhere cause I'm not getting the comfort from home anymore.

DBwithUC has been doing great counseling on this forum today.

JohnPhx, I'm so sorry your holiday was upset by this interaction with your sister. I'm pretty sure you knew going into this season that something would happen. It's not like this is news. Even so, you came here because you were sad, and hopefully you have gotten some good support. You sound quite self aware, and I'm glad you've set up some positive social interactions for this upcoming weekend.

Sometimes I say things I later regret. I find I do this more often with certain people - even here on HW there are some posters that trigger my poor impulse control. I've taken the step of using the IGNORE function here so I can avoid these situations. I'd love for you to have an IGNORE function for your sister. Wouldn't that be great!?!

I agree with DBwithUC.

Have you thought about calling social services to make a report that your mother is being cared for by a drug addict? You can do these things without giving your name. They will send someone over to check out the situation and to check out your sister.