Depressed - need a life

Definitely a severely dysfunctional family....and you're the only one who will benefit from therapy, since it'll be for you, your perspective and changes you'll have to make in order to function in the chaos.

Your mom's really been the instigator in the process...why would she not be happy with all her children around her vying for her attention and approval.

You need to step back and preserve your sanity. Assess the reasons you go there, and if you're not supported by other siblings regarding her care, step away.

My brother was living with my mom when she was diagnosed with lung cancer. I had to stay away because the relationship with my brother was volatile. His girlfriend (now wife) was in nursing, and all the responsibilities were being dealt with by them. I didn't make a commitment to visit until she made a turn for the worst...and I had to be involved. Her decision to die at home was somewhat of a manipulative one as well...forcing my brother and I to care for her. While I was the executrix of her will, my husband had to deal with my brother, because I couldn't reason with him. After she died, the process continued because he still lived at the house.

When my father died, my half-sister was the administrator of his estate, and I begged her to "stroke" my brother into him believing he was getting his way...but alas, she didn't and the crap started all over again. (we did get him back by sending his inheritance C.O.D, which got him more than anyone could imagine) I haven't seen him since 1998, and probably will never until he decides to make the next move of reconciliation.

I went to therapy for eons...and it helped me understand that I have a right to step away and conserve my mental health. I'm a product of the family, but that doesn't state that I'm committed to the abuse or dysfunction. The best thing that's happened to me is the death of my parents and the cessation of the rejection and hurt. I've dealt with it and have a better understanding of their dysfunction as well.

So, ultimately.....you have decisions. You have to distinguish your wants from your needs. you don't need them, but your continual involvement with them feeds the dysfunction. You are only but one part of the total personality of the family. Being in it doesn't allow you to see any other perspective.

Hang tough....one decision doesn't mean it'll remain that way forever. If your mother's health is in jeopardy, then you need to confirm with others to take action. If it isn't, and she and your sister have a symbiotic relationship through need...let it continue till she dies.

You won't save the family. only YOU can say NO to it and change your role you've been assigned and accepted to play.

q

Mad exactly! I once read about difficult people. You are not supposed to entirely avoid them, and you are not supposed to be aggressive towards them. You are supposed to do a sort of Martial Arts "dance" around them, both acknowledging them but keeping your distance.

Any way all of the advice to "get my own life" is spot on. That is my goal for 2014. Get my own peace and get my own friends. My mom will eventually die so I might as well start now!!!

John

Yes, it's called the pursuer and distance "dance"....but you don't have to participate in that pattern either. Your sister has serious issues, you need to make YOUR boundaries clear. Those might include with your mother as well. Ask your mom if she is OK with the way things are...etc.

I don't exactly know the reasons you to continue to go there, but you really need therapy support (however and whatever that includes) by a professional who can allow you to evaluate the issue and options available.

In truth....staying away is the best thing, for if you return on the demands of your sister's worst behaviour, you will have participated in enabling her. She has no boundaries. I have an aunt like that. Give her an inch and you're in it for a lifetime.

q

nope, I'd say jp has it worse - but you're running a close second in my book -

good luck -