Could use a bit of support due to Remi-pains and life changes.

And now that the pain meds are working I don't feel nearly as sad. It's crazy the difference.

Yes, but you can't live on pain meds! I know what you're saying- since surgery my oxy's & dilaudid have been near & dear, believe me! You can't go on in pain from Remicade- you just can't. Despite what the majority say, Humira worked far better for me than Remicade- switch ASAP, if it doesn't work then you'll know. Don't try to be any certain way for your wife- she's going to see you at your lowest more than once, & you see her the same way. Maybe the 2 of you should sit down & talk- it's ok to be sad, to make someone else sad, etc. once in a while! Be as open & honest as you can. Then the 2 of you can make a decision re. job, meds, etc. Then just do it, don't second guess yourself. I really had no idea how the surgery decision was weighing on me until now, afterwards. It was something I'd think of daily, more then once... "should I?"... Now that weight is gone & it's really... indescribeable.

Thanks ladies.

Am I a worry wart? I guess! Remember... I've had this career since just about the time of diagnosis with UC 11 years ago. I'm destined to feel these things. The reason I am thinking of them this weekend is that next week I will have to be in negotiations with the buyer possibly. Last week he asked what I wanted for my future, and I couldn't answer him in detail besides to get an education and have flexibility in my career.

Sam, I'm not weighing on my wife too much. That's what I was saying... I'm kind of going inward to work on myself here. But you're right about it being bad for a relationship if I expect her to provide my happiness.

Soy, my grandpa was in it a long time. He sold out his business... and my dad got into a related career. In 2003 I was diagnosed with UC three days after my high school graduation. I was flaring terribly, and was really trying to find myself that summer. I started university that fall on an academic scholarship, but could not hold it together emotionally. I didn't realize until later that the prednisone was making my emotions so uncontrollable. I'm VERY sensitive to medicines, and this is why I have the pains and worries now most likely.

Anyways, that summer in 2003 I started helping my dad with his business. In 2004 I suggested we get back into what my grandpa did... what we're in now... and so we grew it from nothing. We started out with about $10,000 in the bank together. I had this immense drive and knowing... that it would work out for us.

So, we pushed ourselves like crazy in 2004-2007 building a customer base. From there we've been keeping up with things but haven't pushed growth because we had what we needed and couldn't handle too much more going on.

I am passionate about home building too, so from 2005 onwards through 2010 I learned about home building and built a couple in order to build up my equity and financial reserves.

Basically everything I've done up until now has built the life I have. I am looking at significant changes, which ARE OKAY... but it's been a hard time with everything going on. A year ago I lived in my house with my dog, went down to see my neighbor regularly, had business going alright, and was looking at living here for quite a while. This year my dog lives with my parents since she can't climb my stairs, my neighbor is dead, my business is for sale, and I'm going to be selling my home in the next 1-2 years to live somewhere else that my wife and I design or choose together. It's all okay... but when I'm dealing with the meds/pains somehow everything is amplified to a point where I need to tell and hear from others. I can't help it. Believe me... I want to be calm and cool throughout this... and very confident in myself. But, it seems I have to erode down in order to rebuild a new identity.

Thank you for listening and caring... and Happy Easter. :)

Thanks HappyDay.

I wish I could understand myself more, in terms of why I've posted these struggles on here. I'm not the guy who has low self-esteem afraid of the world. I don't know if it's just been too much at once, or it's the pains, or if I have definite growth to do in some areas. I've been extremely confident in myself at times, and I wish that was the case regarding everything going on lately.

Thoreau, is it possible that you may be depressed? Depression stops people in their tracks, like a roadblock! that would account for struggling with decisions, feeling overwhelmed, all symptoms of depression. I think this illness changes people, the stress of it, the pain, the meds etc, I know I don't feel quite as perky as I used to do.. just a thought.

I think that I am just in a tough situation. In the last two or three years my dad has been declining mentally, which I assume is due to sleep apnea. His side of the family tree complains a lot, blames others for their misfortune, and has a negative outlook on life. Couple the declining mental capacity with an inclination to be negative and it can be disastrous to be around. And... that is exactly what I am around every day.

My mom and I were talking today, and she reminded me how her and I had talked years ago and she had told me that dad's pessimism would eventually get me down. I made it for many years, but as he's gotten worse it has worn into me.

At the moment I feel caught in a situation that I AM going to get through. I am going to go do my own thing. It is extremely agonizing having to essentially tell my dad tough ****, you aren't helping yourself and I need to just get away from it before it ruins my life and my wife.

My wife was so in love with me tonight. She had her cute smile and lovey actions towards me. I vented a bit, and then laid down with her as she went to bed. At that point I told her I really don't care what happens... I would rather be poor and happy with her rather than deal with this much stress every day. She was just glowing with love for me tonight. I definitely did something right with her, lol.

Path, thank you.

Believe it or not, I used to be incredibly positive. I was poor, living with my parents, flaring... and completely optimistic about life. I was in a phase of learning, practicing positive thinking, growing spiritually and attaining goals that I set for myself. My dad would be doubtful of our successes and I would tell him everything was going to work out great. And... it did!

Right now life has just been challenging. Our industry has become really saturated in the last 3 years and it leaves us on our toes constantly. Then dad is wearing down and I at the same time have to care about him yet try to be stern enough that he keeps working and taking care of himself.

I have no doubt that I'll be able to have a great life once I move on from things... but you are right, the waiting place in-between is definitely a pressure cooker. I feel like I am daily just getting through things, enduring the stresses, and hoping for a calm point one day.

I've Just added this book to my "wish list" on Amazon..thanks!

So many people are just happy to sit around watching the tv, so this sounds like a great conversation starter, and definitely a great way to get to know your friends/lover/spouse!