Posted 6/29/2014 1:24 AM (GMT 0)
Urgh, this anxiety is driving me up the wall! It's starting to get to a point where I'm self-medicating with Tramadol (my remaining stash) or alcohol (not a lot, as I can't handle my drink and don't like being too drunk). I'm anxious right now, if you can't guess. I feel like I'm going to burst with anxiety, and there's no way of letting it out. I'm about 2% calmer than I was 10 minutes ago, where I was on the verge of a major panic attack, but am still wound up.
So I apologise if this reply doesn't make much sense: I'm not really thinking very straight. Was a lot calmer last night, but admittedly I'd popped a Tramadol. Tonight I haven't taken anything. I'll try going for another monster reply, and maybe that will bring me back down to planet earth... <_<
@Thoreau - Your wife sounds like she is an introvert. Socialising doesn't come naturally to us introverts. As long as she is happy, though, that doesn't matter. A small number of good friends is more important to an introvert than a large number of shallow acquaintances.
Just wish I could come through the other side. I don't feel like I'm asking for the moon. I'm not asking for fame and wealth, I just want to function on a day to day basis free of crippling feelings of anxiety and depression: I don't even care if I'm happy or not, I just want the absence of unpleasant feelings!
@Poppie - You sound a bit like the introvert in your household too. My mum is the complete opposite to me; she can chat to anyone unselfconsciously. My 3 brothers find it easy to talk to people too (apart from me, ironically enough).
Thank you.
@imagardener2 - Thank you as well. I agree you have to create the opportunities to meet people. I've thought about trying an online dating site, but don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm an absolute nervous wreck, need to get myself more in order first. But it was nice to hear that you're still with the same guy 37 years later.
@iPoop - Well, I have 10 years (and counting) on you, but again, it's nice to hear another success story. I've never really dated, so... :-/
@PK - Tired but wired is how I've been for months! What dose Atarax were you on? 25mg Ucerax (different brandname, same active ingredient) doesn't seem to do anything for me. I might try taking 50mg tonight. *1 minute later* Just taken it <_<.
To make things worse, my least favourite brother is coming to stay in early July. It's only for a week (supposedly), but I'm dreading it. As far as leaving home is concerned, I've been rotting away (and rotting away is exactly what it feels like) in the parental home for almost 40 years. Nobody I can go and stay with for a while; there never has been, so I never, ever get a break. My parents, likewise, never, ever go away, so I never get a break from them. I'm absolutely miserable. I know the situation is mostly of my own making, but it doesn't make me bear it any better: to the contrary. I'm now in the process of finally applying for social housing. However, I don't have children and I'm not being desperately abused, so I will be fairly low priority. I'm resigning myself to a long wait, but I may as well least get the process started. Spoke to a housing officer on Thursday, who went through with me on how to go about it.
The suggestion of church didn't upset me at all, but I always give the same answer whenever it is brought up: I'm afraid I don't have any belief in God. There are times when I honestly wish I did have faith in something higher than us, 'cos then I might at least have some hope that humans aren't totally ****ed. But the faith, belief, whatever you call it, is just lacking for me, and no amount of thinking about it has made it materialise.
@Guardian - No worries about the "never seen someone go at it alone" comment. I didn't take offense; I actually agreed with it. If you don't know it already, look up the "No man is an island" quote by John Donne. Or just play Persona 4 Golden - says the same thing in about 80 hours of gameplay >_>.
I feel like I do have some level of PTSD. Not as severe as a soldier who's seen all his chums blown to pieces on the battlefield, but I think there can be different degrees of PTSD. There have been a few times in the past few years where I could have died, if things had gone a different way - no exaggeration. An anaphylactic reaction to IV iron; a car crash on the dual carriageway; toxic megacolon/fulminant colitis. Plus many nights of severe pain which made me feel like ripping my guts out; or nights of distress so bad I fantasised about dying.
Some of this $h1t does continue to haunt me, and I never have a good night's sleep. It's interesting you mentioned crying. I do feel like I was doing better when I was crying more regularly. But, a few nights ago excepted, I have been far more buttoned up of late and unable to cry. I feel the tension, but can't release it. I just wish sometimes I lived in a remote area, so I could go off and scream to the heavens without disturbing anybody: it's impossible to do that in the overcrowded UK. I sympathise with the going batcrap insane: I have done that many times in the last 18 months >_>. It would usually start off with anger; throwing things about in sheer rage, then devolve into loud crying, which would last for 1-2 hours.
@Somedude - High five, bro :p
@Eva Lou - Think you've hit the nail on the head, tbh: my life feels a bit empty without illness. I don't actually have a strong sense of self; I was painfully aware of this as a teenager, then gradually forgot about it. However, some of the feelings I had as a teenager/young adult have been coming back to haunt me ever since surgery. At the moment, I'm stuck in survival mode. Not literally, but it feels no less intense for that. If I can get into a situation where my psyche doesn't feel under threat, I am going to try to find out more about myself as a person. There's so much I have missed out on, and thus don't feel developed in some ways.
@soystud - Kiss your ass! ;p
But agreed with you about the importance of having a sense of control. Nobody can control everything, but to feel like you can't control anything is a horrible, horrible feeling. I'm guilty of the latter, tbh.
@beatUC - Wow, you sound depressed, not that I can't relate. If opiates weren't so darn addictive, I'd be taking them every day. Not to get high (which I couldn't give a toss about), but just to feel calm and relaxed.
Bit of a personal question, but is it your UC making you so depressed or other stuff? If it's UC, then even I would recommend surgery over feeling that miserable, tbh... :-/
@ConquerUC - That's actually probably true; that the happiest people are the ones who help others. Or, if not the happiest, then at least happier than folks who are completely selfish. I have thought about volunteering, but keep on putting it off, 'cos I'm not sure I can face dealing with other people. But then on the other hand, I'm just running away from my fears, a lá Guardian... Argh, what a quandary :-/
Anyway, folks, you'll be glad to know that this whale of a post served its purpose and I do feel a little bit better now. I can do you a good turn, too, by helping you to fall asleep reading this post if you suffer from insomnia :p