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Half the man I used to be and scared to go back to work

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Posted 8/4/2014 5:00 AM (GMT 0)
So Back to work tomorrow night. Been off about a month(again) including hospital stay. I'm on Pred 40 mg for about 2 or 3 weeks now. Second dose of Vedoluzimab in the morning. My feet look like clown shoes and are cracked and ugly from the pred. My biggest fear is just going back to work. I'm the man. The alpha male in my area. I make the decisions, I carry the heavy load, I am the go to guy. Not being cocky it's just I been doing the job for 24 years and people expect a lot of me(I am paid accordingly). Thing is I'm not that guy anymore. I am a shell of him. I don't have the energy or motivation anymore. Not sure how to be this new guy though. How is everyone including me going to deal with the new lesser me? I just want to show up do the minimum and go home. I just wish I could retire and live in a camper trailer and smoke weed all day. How did I get here. I really am half the man I used to be and it sucks. So lost
Posted 8/4/2014 5:29 AM (GMT 0)
For what it's worth, I've seen some of your posts and you seem to be a person of great resilience. This disease tests us in so many ways. And it's such an endurance test.
You can go to work and project the persona required to play your role. Showing up is 90%. You may be quieter than before or feel weaker. But if you project calm confidence and listen, i bet you'll do fine. How about thinking of it like this: It's less about how you look and more about the energy you project.
Will be thinking of you and sending support.
Posted 8/4/2014 5:43 AM (GMT 0)
Well we will see how this set of nights go. I go in tomorrow night and my last night shift is Thursday. Thing is I really just don't want to try much. Appreciate the support. I'll check back in and let everyone know how it went
Posted 8/4/2014 6:30 AM (GMT 0)
inspiring exchange for me....

scum1 said...
Well we will see how this set of nights go. I go in tomorrow night and my last night shift is Thursday. Thing is I really just don't want to try much. Appreciate the support. I'll check back in and let everyone know how it went

Posted 8/4/2014 6:32 AM (GMT 0)
Yup...that's pretty much how it feels... that and worse lol but God is still with us =) God bless all

scum1 said...
So Back to work tomorrow night. Been off about a month(again) including hospital stay. I'm on Pred 40 mg for about 2 or 3 weeks now. Second dose of Vedoluzimab in the morning. My feet look like clown shoes and are cracked and ugly from the pred. My biggest fear is just going back to work. I'm the man. The alpha male in my area. I make the decisions, I carry the heavy load, I am the go to guy. Not being cocky it's just I been doing the job for 24 years and people expect a lot of me(I am paid accordingly). Thing is I'm not that guy anymore. I am a shell of him. I don't have the energy or motivation anymore. Not sure how to be this new guy though. How is everyone including me going to deal with the new lesser me? I just want to show up do the minimum and go home. I just wish I could retire and live in a camper trailer and smoke weed all day. How did I get here. I really am half the man I used to be and it sucks. So lost

Posted 8/4/2014 10:20 AM (GMT 0)
You might just be feeling this way because you've been away for so long. When you're back there you'll hopefully get back into the swing of things.
Posted 8/4/2014 11:40 AM (GMT 0)
What line of work are you in?
Posted 8/4/2014 12:38 PM (GMT 0)
I work in the chemical industry in a lab. Mostly polymers(plastics). 12 hr shifts. 4 days on 4 days off
Posted 8/4/2014 1:13 PM (GMT 0)
Just want to wish you good luck scum!
Posted 8/4/2014 2:16 PM (GMT 0)
Showing up is 90%

I totally agree with this and have lived it too.
I had to change the way I worked for the last couple of years before I retired and surprisingly it worked great, moving some responsibility to other people, I still remained in charge.
It's really all in your own attitude and sometimes you have to fake it till you make it.

If you find out that you just cannot (or don't want to) do the work then start planning your exit, perhaps disability or early retirement. Retirement is great and the camper idea could motivate you to start planning it. But make it a positive retirement not a negative one.
Posted 8/4/2014 4:44 PM (GMT 0)
imagardener and contentprof....awesome words of insight, experience and advice!

The 4&4 is a tough shift....my husband was on it for 35 years.

I didn't realise you were in the hospital again :(

I hope the week goes better than you anticipate.

q
Posted 8/4/2014 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
I hope it goes better than you think. When I am home I am so tired all the time and am always thankful I only work one day every two weeks. But when I am actually there and working, I feel good. More energy than I ever seem to have at home. And I'm so happy to just be out, away from the house.
Posted 8/4/2014 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
The hospital was a couple weeks ago but then I took a week vacation to go visit my first grandson out of state. I'm feeling better this morning. Still kind of scared but I am sure it will be fine.

quincy said...
imagardener and contentprof....awesome words of insight, experience and advice!

The 4&4 is a tough shift....my husband was on it for 35 years.

I didn't realise you were in the hospital again :(

I hope the week goes better than you anticipate.

q

Posted 8/4/2014 7:07 PM (GMT 0)
People only know what you tell them, and you don't need to say a lot, just showing up probably fills them with confidence anyway, I think you will be fine, just be kind to yourself..hugs!
Posted 8/4/2014 11:37 PM (GMT 0)
this just bummed me out so much to read- good luck, scum!!!! You'll be ok, true when they say showing up is 90%.. and fake it 'til you make it. Sounds corny, but... I really hope it goes well!!!
Posted 8/5/2014 12:14 AM (GMT 0)
Well The Vedoluzimab infusion went well this morning and now I am at work. Ok so far. At least it is night shift so minimal interaction with meetings, and management in such. Should be able to coast all set.
Posted 8/5/2014 12:17 AM (GMT 0)
That's great :) Hopefully no one notices your cracked up clown feet, jk. You sound a lot more positive, I am happy to hear it. Let's hope the entyvio works wonders and you're off pred quickly
Posted 8/5/2014 1:00 AM (GMT 0)
Take it one day at a time. Don't stress out with worry about how you'll get through four days. Just worry about getting through today...when that's too much then just worry about half a day. Tell yourself you just have to make it to lunch and if you feel to crappy you can go home... Breaking it in to pieces like that made it more manageable for me when I first went back to work after a month off.

Best wishes
Posted 8/7/2014 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
3rd nightshift underway. Lucky things are super slow so no stress just being here 12 hrs. Mostly troubleshooting issues and catching up with all the balls dropped while I was gone. Still I am so tired and my legs are just tired? Not crampy like when I am usually on Pred just stiff. I guess the 40 mg pred is keeping things in check enough for me to work. Still I worry that I might not ever be able to stick to this 12 hr work schedule. I love being off 4 days at a time though. The trade off would be less days off and way less money if I went on 8 hr day shifts. I guess I'll just try to remain positive that the Entyvio will work and go from there. Still a long ways from knowing if it will be what finally puts me in remission though.

Stressed that my 15 yr old is having to stay home at night a lot by herself though. Since my wife bailed on us all I just don't think my youngest is getting the parenting all my other kids did. My 20 yr old helps but not a replacement for a real adult at all lol.
Posted 8/7/2014 2:21 AM (GMT 0)
That's pretty stressful re: your kids :( on the positive side, when I was 15, I didn't want my parents around very much, haha. How long have you been on 40mg? I had the worst joint pains from pred. I seriously don't think I could ever bring myself to take that evil substance again!!!
Posted 8/7/2014 2:45 AM (GMT 0)

Scum1 said...
Stressed that my 15 yr old is having to stay home at night a lot by herself though. Since my wife bailed on us all I just don't think my youngest is getting the parenting all my other kids did. My 20 yr old helps but not a replacement for a real adult at all lol.

I have had my 13 year old daughter stay at home all summer while I work. Yes because mommy abandoned us too .Funny thing about my work is its right here in the home, sitting in my loft since my daugher took over my downstairs office. So if I need a break I end up walking by but never logging on until someone calls me because the guy on pager dropped the ball or who knows what. Funny I was doing everything, now I have 4 other guys full time and have ramped each one up and then I just sort of burned out soon after. Right when the going got easiest I was fried. Getting back on the saddle and need to shift gears now I have the time to really manage the team but its weird to me not building/fixing/tuning. I told them I am working from home this week and trying to get back into 100 simultaneous projects for 20 different customers.

But this will be a walk in the park. Returning to work after the 2010 stroke now that was really hairy. Vicodin had me almost useless in interviews but I eventually found my footing.

You will too.
Posted 8/7/2014 3:21 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys. I'm hanging so far. Only been on pred a few weeks and that is not a real high dose. I had to be on something to keep things under control while waiting to see if entyvio works. I hate it but it does make at least able to go back to work. Yes my 15 yr old is probably fine but you know being mr mom as well as dad is a pretty new thing for me and I stress a lot doing it all after 24 yrs of having help.
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