I should be celebrating but....

Thanks Chrissysoul and toomuchpoopin,

I don't have any issues in regards to dx of IBS, my daughter and my sister each have IBS and they've been scoped more than once to confirm they have no inflammation (including small bowel tests as well). I believe IBS is real and that it is a separate entity from IBD just as lactose intolerance is, the biggest difference being that they can easily prove lactose intolerance (and easily aid it with either avoiding lactose all together or using lactaid products).

So I'm not in the mind set that it's still my crohn's colitis affecting me, lol in fact I'm not surprised that I have IBS as well (along with the lactose issues) because I simply boil it down to being my luck.

I've lived a stressful life in general, that's the other reason why I believe that IBS is now the main culprit for me, doesn't make it any easier to deal with mentally/emotionally but it is what it is I guess and there's only so much I can do...I know relieving stress plays a huge roll in dealing with IBS (usually along with diet alterations as well) but it's the fact that I have all 3 issues, fixed the crohn's and lactose intolerance but still dealing with the IBS and I'm just so sick and tired of putting so much effort into feeling normal, and for what? Ungrateful kids and husband? And other miserable people around me and life in general is pretty depressing, sick, twisted and sad, the news shows us that on a daily basis of the horrible things people are capable of and it's all just so overwhelming to me at this point. It all just reinforces my feelings about how pointless life really is and to be honest I'm quite bored with what life has to offer cuz to me it ain't pretty. I've lost interest in pretty much anything I use to enjoy and haven't found anything to replace those things...I'm merely going through the motions of life simply cuz I'm alive, not because I enjoy any aspect of it.

I am irritated so it's no surprise that I have irritable bowel syndrome...same crap, different piles.

((hugs)) pb4. I also wonder if some of your issues are due to the rectal scarring. Do you still have urgency, or is it "just" frequency?

At any rate, if you think you'd like to, therapy might be a good option.

Thank you hateuc and fruitgirl for the hugs (I'm always up for a virtual hug lol)

Fruitgirl, I wondered that too about the scarring, but my GI said it was so minimal (which is shocking to me considering the condition I was in) he didn't rule the scarring completely out as being an issue for me but he still is leaning towards IBS I guess based on the fact that I keep telling him my normal before getting sick with CD was once a day with complete bowel control...so far this week I've been going 4 times/day...one day I went 5.

My urgency is much better but after decades of running to the bathroom at the first sign of an urge I don't think I can literally just drag my butt to the bathroom just cuz my urgency isn't as severe as it was...my mind just isn't in line with my guts, I'm so used to running to the can as I have been for years that it's likely not going to just stop, plus when I do get to the bathroom it's not long before I start going, even though I'm a bit on the constipated side (that's the other reason GI is leaning towards IBS).

NCOT, oddly I have no bloating at all and haven't for at least a yr since that recto-vaginal fistula developed and I lost some weight (went from 125 lbs down to 114 lbs and still holding at 114 lbs) and especially considering I'm more on the constipated feeling (though it's not often that I cannot get something to come out) I would have thought I would be quite bloated but I'm not...I do eat small meals for the most part, if I eat a larger meal I will bloat up a very little bit.

I too hope the scarring left behind isn't the cause of my current symptoms...I'm still on weekly Humira shots but on the 10th I'm suppose to get an extra blood work drawn to make sure my body is still ok with the Humira increase...then I stick to my regular every 3 month blood work.

I appreciate the little blurb you included in your reply, it's basically what I've been trying to explain to some others that are not too accepting of the "whole IBS thing" as many refer to it, only your blurb explains it better than I've been able to (likely cuz I struggle getting my thoughts straight anymore).


Who knows, I could wake up tomorrow and start having one normal bm a day which would be great for my body, but would it make me feel any different about life, not likely...because I'm not cured (the Humira is simply yet another band-aid) and I know that my crohn's can rear it's ugly head at any given time and I cannot fathom trying to plan a new happy and fulfilling life knowing that it could end in an instant with another flare up...I know there's no guarantees in life (not for life to be easier at least) and maybe that's what's got me in this funk, that's why I feel so hopeless and that's why life feels so pointless, I no longer know how to appreciate anything good because it seems like there's always a price to pay for anything good...and I'm tired of paying with my physical, mental and emotional health...I'm spent at this point.

I won't scream Poppie (not at your question anyway lol)

My husband was DX with Celiacs so we tried the Celiacs diet together, I noticed no difference what so ever with my bowel habits (and hubby hated it so he reverted back to his usual diet)...I don't have any issues with bloating, and my gas is pretty minimal compared to when my CD was flaring.

I've also been tested for Celiacs at least 4 times since getting sick with my CD almost 25 yrs ago now (everytime I started seeing a new GI, the protocol is for them to automatically test for Celieacs and it's always come back negative...I also know I'm not gluten sensitive from doing the Celiacs diet with hubby.

I'm surprised that I don't have Celiacs too and every single bowel issue under the sun with my crappy luck...I think 3 is way too many as it is with the CD, IBS and lactose intolerance.

Thanks NCOT, I know you know how I feel and I'm sad for you as well, I would only wish this feeling on my worst enemy (I say that because I'm honest and that's how I feel) even though it's harsh I just don't care at all about my worst enemy---ha, maybe I'm actually my own worst enemy---I still don't care, I'm just sick of "feeling" period. I'd rather feel nothing than feel the way I have and do.

@pb4 - Hey, I'm the same. I would wish Crohn's on my worst enemies as well - there's so many of them... >_>. I sometimes find myself wishing temporary Crohn's on certain people as well, just so they can get a taste of what it's like. But I would save permanent Crohn's for the truly bad/evil people of the world.

Pretty sure I'm my own worst enemy though. My intelligence is okay, but I feel like I have the most counterproductive personality in the world sometimes. It has seriously hindered my progess in life, even more than the wretched Crohn's.

Poppie; Thanks, I'm glad yet surprised as well that I don't have Celiacs to tend to as well lol.


NCOT; I think the same way when I'm highly frustrated and I just want to lash out at the world (towards the horrible people) that deserve a taste of CD misery maybe it would keep their minds off of going out of their way to make other people's lives miserable just for their own fun...although, my mom had UC and she was no saint, granted she was a worse person before her UC started, then again she may have mellowed a bit in her older age (when she got her UC).

Kiptyn; Thanks, you're correct I am depressed, no, I haven't tried Wellbutrin or any oral antidepressants because I haven't even discussed my emotional/mental issues with any of my docs, I don't want to, not ready to spill the beans to them, I don't know why I guess it's just the way I feel.

Thanks guys for your support, hopefully I can get through this hell soon, maybe I'll hold my breath until I do

Thanks so much Quincy!!!

In regards to my family, they are all very selfish, including my son but he at least has enough sensitivity in his personality that it's easier to let him get away with things...he's slightly self destructive lately (he's 21 yrs old) and has made some poor decisions that have impacted his life which in turn has impacted mine and hubby's life too. My son does like to bury his head in the sand in the hopes that any wrong doings will just go away on their own but like I said, he's got the most loving and sensitive nature about him that tugs at my heartstrings...cannot say the same for the other 2 (hubby and daughter) they are over the top selfish and are both very good at twisting things to make everyone else look like the "bad guy". It's revolting to me actually and I struggle with it daily.

Medication is definitely something I have not considered because in "my mind" I don't feel that I will allow it to work...I don't know if it's because maybe I want to hold on to the resentments that I have or if it's just my nature to believe that nothing will ever change the way I feel (other than not being here in this psycho world we live in) I probably need to figure out what's holding me back so that I can make a decision in that regard. But I do know for sure, it will be a battle I will fight by myself (with the exception of my son) who's already said he's working on "doing better" because he's now aware that the stress of my worrying about him and his choices sometimes, are having a greater affect on me than he realized...I get that everyone gets selfish at times but he at least would make a conscience effort...the other 2 would sooner blame everyone else before they take responsibility for their actions even though they know they are largely responsible for the types of relationships they have with people due to their selfishness...some people's sense of entitlement is sickening.

I won't go into details because any normal person that knew the details would be telling me to run from those types of people...wish I could but I can't...and that's probably a big reason why I feel doomed emotionally...the bowel issues doomed me physically and the people issues doomed me emotionally is what it feels like to me.

I appreciate the huge compliment, but I certainly don't feel any independence, feisty maybe, but the older I'm getting the harder it is to pull that off, the sadder I'm getting doesn't help either, feels like the little fire in me that used to be big is slowly smoldering away and soon there won't be any fire burning....ya know "lights out" in a matter of speaking.

LOL I may seem tough as nails but I feel weak as hell anymore and as a result my sensitive soul just seems to want out so badly, almost as if it knows that until the day I die, this crap will continue to be my life...I've seen it happen with other people and I feel it will be the same result for me....maybe I don't want help, I don't know, but one's thing for sure, I don't want to feel or be this way anymore. Maybe I'm just lazy and don't want to take on the work ahead of me not knowing or believing that there will be a reward of happiness waiting for me if I can let myself conquer.

Thank you for the huge hug (sending one right back to you!!)

Hi Q,

Yes my son is dealing with his depression (which I feel stems greatly from his sister treating him like crap ever since he can remember when he was little, he often would ask us what the big fight they had was about cuz he can't understand why she hates him so much...we explained there was never a big fight which unfortunately hasn't given him any closure and it's affected him emotionally on a level we never realized until he got into a little bit of trouble---since the trouble, he's been seeing a therapist, but that only does so much) His sister resents/hates (whatever you want to call it) him because of pure jealousy and selfishness (I have a sister born under the same birth sign as her and they are sadly too much alike---I rarely speak with that sister---we clash) my daughter started out life as a sweetheart but turned into this *****y and mean kid shortly after her brother was born and I did everything I could to keep her involved with a new baby because I know some kids feel abandoned when a new sibling arrives---I did all I could but I guess her personality traits took over and I'm a firm believer that you cannot parent personality traits.
We tried to encourage a family therapy regime but our daughter wanted no part of it, she decided a long time ago to cut my son out of her life all because she got into trouble from hubby for being nasty to him, she admitted that much, that ever since that happened when they were kids she wanted nothing to do with him (fact is she never felt loving towards him so she used that particular time she got in trouble as a scapegoat) so I asked her, should we have let you continue being horrible to him verbally and of course her snotty answer was "yes"---she's some piece of work that kid.

Daughter keeps a lot of things to herself (good and bad) because in her mind it's her way of punishing us for supposedly favoring our son over her and because she's just a little crap that way and very stubborn (guess she would have been happier if we beat the crap out of him and showered her only with all our affection--selfish) it technically wasn't her fiance, she actually broke that "boyfriend" up while he was dating another girl (they were together for 5 yrs, my daughter ONLY knew him for 2 months, intervened intentionally to break up their relationship) and purposely got pregnant---then he killed himself and she decided she was still having his baby, she told me that this way she'd always have a part of him that his ex-girlfriend would never have (NASTY OR WHAT!!!!!) Thankfully she no longer lives with us, I only feel horrible for that poor baby, my daughter is way too lazy to raise a child properly especially on her own and the revolving door of "boyfriends" she's had since she had the baby, lets just say there mine as well not even be a door since she loves to brag how she has at least 2 guys on the go for the most part (I am the complete opposite of that kind of mindset--she takes after her dad more in that respect).

No physical abuse where hubby is concerned, just a lot of mental and emotional anguish (mind games to get away with his cheating ways)....I should have never went back to him basically after we were apart for about 19 months back when we were young but circumstances and life can make you do stupid things and I can admit I'm the queen of stupid....sitting on crap mountain of course. I never should have believed him when he said he changed, oh well, I paid a huge price for that mistake...and never once did I seek revenge, no way I could stoop to that level.

As always, I appreciate you taking the time and sharing and suggestions, they really do help, I know I should be seeking therapy, I'm just too down to care at the moment but I'm still thinking about it so who knows maybe one day I will make that step and it could be anytime soon too...we'll see I guess.

Thanks for the support

warriorgirl said...
It's great that you have a GI that addresses diet and stress. Mine doesn't think it has any relation to UC. I just use my GI for the scope and prescriptions. She advised me to eat meat and that milk is soothing for the body. No bloody way! I've had to radically change my diet to stop the symptoms.

Good idea to eliminate foods that may cause your symptoms. Meditation is good too.

Thanks warriorgirl, yes my GI is on the ball and doesn't cast doubt on possible conditions or treatments, he always tells me if I find anything that helps me feel better then stick with it cuz that's the main goal so I'm fortunate that way, he's not stuffy minded when it comes to bowel issues...it's actually the IBS not my IBD that he relates the stress being a huge trigger, he strongly believes that IBS and stress (physical/mental/emotional) go hand in hand as well as diet and IBS symptoms.

Thanks Q,

Your depth of understanding is very comforting to me....sadly I'm aware of everything that's wrong with everyone (myself included) in my family, there's just so many issues, it's hard to know where to start and what to actually do about them all...but life goes on regardless if issues are addressed or not.

Would be nice to just be in happy and loving relationships with everyone but I guess not everyone gets that out of life either...sadly.

Thanks again :)

Aw NCOT I'm sorry that you haven't had a very loving family upbringing by the sounds of it either. The sad thing about my kids, is that my son absolutely adored and loved his sister and he showed it, watching her reaction towards him when he expressed his feelings with her was absolutely heart shattering. I'm sad that I gave birth to someone that is so cold and abusive (she takes a lot after my mom and one of my sisters though, not to mention her sneakiness that she gets from her dad and his side of the family but at least hubby is more loving in nature...too bad he didn't keep that between us though)...hubby doesn't believe that sex and love can be one in the same or go hand in hand, he's testosterone driven I guess, IDK, he's always claimed to love me and that when he cheated it was purely for sex, not love, he never wanted to leave me for anyone else, he just wanted some variation I suppose...that's his explanation of it. Imagine though if I too was a cheater and used the same excuse as he did, I guarantee you it wouldn't fly but I also could probably guarantee you that he wouldn't leave me if I cheated on him either, he'd probably get some type of revenge though.

I always knew when he cheated (he hasn't in quite a few yrs, probably mid 90's was the last time) my gut instinct would let me know and also, he would all the sudden out of the blue accuse me of cheating on him (I never have, not before or after we were married, it's just not in my DNA, but it is in both my parents---hubby's mom was a cheater too before hubby was born and of course hubby's dad took her back, hubby learned of this of course when he got older and god only knows how he justifies cheating in his twisted mind) hubby also is an alcoholic, another undesirable trait he picked up from his mom---that woman sickens me to no end for how she's treated her hubby, my father in law is a descent guy, always worked hard and made sure they all had what they needed, hubby's sisters both also big time sleez buckets...I really should have looked harder at his family when we started dating as teenagers, although most of my family wasn't much better, the difference though is that only one out of my 5 siblings was a sleez bucket too, the rest of us are not cheaters...my bad for sure for not looking harder at his family, but we did split for about 18 months when I turned 18 and shame on me for going back to him after that break up.

I'm 47, have terrible low self esteem, I could not afford to look after myself, I have this disgusting disease (although it's in remission, I will never trust my body knowing that CD can rear it's ugly head at anytime) and I'm pretty sure I have some kind of undiagnosed learning disability along with the lovely brain fog, depression and self loathing....who on earth would want me honestly. No matter how much I've been complimented for my looks, loyalty and morals I don't feel I have anything to offer anyone and to be honest I have no interest in finding someone or being alone. It's just all very complicated in my head at least...like you said, easier said than done.

In regards to your brother saying such a nasty thing to you, I totally feel for you, my mother used to tell us kids the same thing and how she wished she never had any of us and so on, but in very degrading ways she would tell us of her regret of having us...that's how we all grew up, with yelling verbal and physical abuse, she of course tried to convince us it was because she was often a single mom with too many kids so she had to be strict with us all, sad thing is we were all pretty good and well behaved so I call bullcrap on mommy dearest.

I just don't get why the people we love and that are suppose to love us can be so cruel and evil, and for what? What do they really gain by it? My mother lived a miserable life, how did she think treating us like crap was going to bring her any happiness? Same with anyone else that acts like a douchbag, I just don't get their reasoning...isn't life hard enough with illnesses, income/job issues, crime and all the other crap in the world we have to live with, without treating your loved ones like crap. I just don't understand this world at all.

Thank you Poppie,

If only things were cut and dry, black and white....Yes, I believe he hasn't cheated in yrs, and I know his cheating was spread apart, not close really together....it would take time for me to forgive him and it seemed that a pattern developed that went like this; as soon as I felt I put his most recent episode behind me and started looking ahead rather than back, it wasn't long before he did it again, so in the midst of forgiving him he crushed it by cheating yet again....

He made it really hard to forgive him when he would continue doing it (he probably did this at least 5 times but not likely more than 7 based on my recollection) the worst was the first time after we were married (the time in high school was devastating because it was with a girl that pretended to be my friend so they could get close and cheat...they took advantage of my emotions so it was like I lost what I thought was a friend, add in teenage emotions and imagine how horrible that experience was) but when we first got married and I was in the hospital giving birth to our first born (being my daughter but I honestly did not hold it against her, it wasn't my daughters fault in any way that my husband was totally selfish and I'm very aware of that...didn't have daughter issues at all until I saw how she treated her baby brother) anyways, he brought home a ***** and slept with her in our bed while I was in the hospital with our new baby---he didn't even wash the sheets---amazing all the crazy things that enter your mind when you're devastated and heartbroken and angry, the "girls" boyfriend came to my house the day after I came home with my new baby and filled me in on everything that went on....I didn't even get to enjoy being a new mom, he took that away from me, from us really because he wanted kids too. He also broke up a marriage with one of his co-workers by sleeping with his wife, and he had the balls to introduce me to her at her public place of employment and we even drove together to one of the company christmas parties it was almost like he in his own twisted way wanted me to be in contact with who he had slept with, but it didn't come out in the open until a few years later, around the time her husband divorced her...then there was another time where he actually was hitting on his nephews girlfriend with whom his nephew even had a baby with, but she told me and even apologized even though she didn't do anything wrong, she just wanted to let me know that he wasn't a good husband and felt guilty that he was hitting on her hard (as in making plans on where they could get together).

It's a lot to deal with and I like to convince myself that if I hadn't gotten sick I would have left a long time ago, but I was also scared, young and didn't want to raise a child by myself, I knew what coming from a broken home felt like so maybe I justified staying with him...plus he kept telling me that he loved me and that he knew what he did was wrong and he didn't want to but couldn't help himself and that he was going to stop cuz it wasn't worth hurting me...and even with being sick I payed a lot of "attention" to him so he didn't have a valid excuse in that regard to go looking for it anywhere else.

I think a big reason why he finally stopped was cuz the kids started getting older and because he was getting older too and not as "into himself" like he would tell me he was and that's why he was a cheater, once he started feeling like he was losing his "hotness" lol that's when he stopped.

All I wanted was to be with someone that shared the same wants as I had, he seemed to be that person, he's that person now, but looking back at what it took to get to this point (marriage isn't rocky, but I will always have trust issues with him and forever hurt feelings and humiliation for what he's done to us) clearly we didn't have the same morals...he thinks everyone cheats....only in the last few years has he realized that not everyone does.