Can you guys help? Dating someone with a total colectomy...

Hey bud, having Ulcerative Colitis is a darn big strength tester in a person. If this woman has gone through enough flaring of the disease to go through with surgery then she has a life experience that will make her more real with you than most.

Please go to youtube and search for j-pouch success stories. You should be able to find some sort of videos of people that look great and are living a 100% full life after going through the same things as this girl you're writing about.

Remember this if nothing else: She is a normal person now. Having the surgeries ELIMINATED the disease. Ulcerative Colitis is solely in the colon, and she had her colon removed. She is normal, except that she will likely go #2 when she goes #1, anywhere from around 5 to 8 times a day. As time goes on she will get down to 4-6 usually. That isn't bad. I go 2-4 times a day and I'm in remission (haven't had surgery).

The fact that she has been forthright with you most likely comes down to this: she likes you, but for one reason or another will feel more comfortable getting to know you without hiding who she is. She's battled hell and come through, and she is asking if you'll tell her it's okay for her to be the girl she is at heart... forget about her medical past. Not telling you about it would be a submission of who she really is, and for her she wanted you to know sooner rather than later.

1. Can she still have kids? I can't answer that one, except to say that in general I have not ever heard of the surgeries causing reproductive damage. Someone else will chime in on that one I think.

2. What type of scars/physicial issues does she have? She will have stomach/abdomen scars, possibly really small, possibly a bit bigger. She will have a spot where her stoma came through while she wore a bag between surgeries. I believe that will just be a scar, too.

3. Will it impact sex life? Having had the surgery I would expect her to be just as normal as the next girl... if you can categorize any of them as normal!

4. Will she have a shorter life expectancy and will she be sick all of the time? No, and no. She will have a good long life most likely. Remember, she is essentially a healthy person without a colon. Removing the colon (like she had done) ELIMINATES the disease.

5. Will she be able to put back on weight? Likely, yes. Really recovering from those surgeries will take some time though, as far as full digestive function I think. She is likely thin because of her symptoms before surgery, not after. Given time she will be able to choose how to aim her weight goals.

Here are some better questions for you.

1. How does this woman treat others in her life who are less fortunate than her, be them animals or people?

2. What is her outlook on life... positive and hopeful, or saddened and pessimistic?

3. Does she have the top qualities that YOU look for in a woman? You need to know the top ones. No person will be everything you're looking for, so you need to know what is most important to you.

4. How does she handle money and possessions, and is it similar to the way you do?

5. What does she hope for in life over the long term? Does this match even remotely to what you're looking for?

I have to give you a little credit for not dumping her already and wanting to learn more information. I'm not going to give you any gold stars though. In any event, here are my answers to some of your questions just in case it might help out one of us UC'rs:

1. more than likely her chances of having kids isn't any different than anyone else.

3. everyone is so different that it's probably impossible to tell you if it will impact her sex life or not. There's no guarantee that it will and there's no guarantee that it won't.

4. Theoretically, she should not have a decreased life expectancy or be sick all the time but, again, nothing is guaranteed one way or the other. You could get cancer yourself next week and so could she.

5. I'm assuming you mean because of the disease and surgery she is a toothpick, which doesn't particularly turn you on so you're hoping she can gain a few pounds. Again, I've got the same answer. There's no guarantee that she will or will not gain some weight back.

Overall I can't give you any guaranteed negative answers, which I'm hoping is the response you are looking for but there's always the chance that every one of your answers might wind up being negative since we really don't know her and her situation. It sounds like you have a dialog with her so as your relationship progresses you will find your answers to these questions before you say, "I do". Communication is the key in any relationship. Just keep in mind that everyone has health issues at some point and it is very possible that if you move on and eventually get married that in the future she may wind up being the healthy one taking care of your health issues. As far as I know, nobody can read the future yet.

Can she have kids? How will this impact her sex life? Does she have scars?

What selfless, caring, thoughtful questions that are clearly all about the well being of the girl?! *poker face*

I'll split my answer into two. Firstly, for the general questions, use a website called "google" (it's pretty awesome). Secondly, for the personal questions, ask her yourself (the answers vary for different people). Unless, of course, your plan was to know whether or not she would fit the profile of someone you would consider eligible to date you. In which case, save her the trouble and the heartache.

What a strange post....

"I'm concerned about what type of life she is going to lead in the future"

If your a possible suitor to this girl it sounds like your concerned about what type of life your going to lead in the future"

Maybe I have that wrong, I don't know, but that's what it sounds like to me.

I have read that it can be harder to get pregnant after surgery. There shouldn't be any issue but you never know. There are so many fertility options now a days that regardless of whether she could carry a child, you could probably have children - but I wouldn't assume she wouldn't be able to for any reason, she should be okay.

She probably has a few scars, no big deal.

I am sure her sex drive is better than it was when she was suffering with UC.

Life expectancy is normal. Colon isn't something that makes you live longer or shorter. She probably made a smart decision to get rid of hers so she doesn't have to take the terrible medications for the rest of her life.

Most people put on weight when they are healthy. If she was sick and struggling with UC and surgery, it's understandable to lose some weight.

I had a total colonectomy 10 years ago. Since then I have had a child and lived a normal life.

Well I'm not gonna blame a person for asking, after all I would be curious too and I'm sure many others would be as well if they didn't have IBD themselves.
Although some of the questions do come off with a little more concern about the op than about the actual girl with IBD, I think they are still legit questions and by the way, I'm an IBDer and totally grossed out about bags hanging off belly's too, so because I feel that way does that make me a bad and/or judgmental person?

You obviously like this girl enough to research her condition and I think that speaks volumes! Get out of your head and follow your heart! She's going to be the most grateful person you will ever meet and probably the most compassionate. If something should strike you, she would be there 110 %.

Consider yourself lucky she chose YOU to share with. I say let's have a wedding!!!!!

Right on the money DMC2011!!!

I think people are giving him a hard time because his questions seem to come across as fairly self-centered and a bit uncaring. For example, scars are superficial and if you're in love with a person, I couldn't imagine caring less if they are covered in scars. As for sex life, a lot of women (and men) lose their sex drive after the initial flush of a relationship, not all but definitely some and I don't think that has anything to do with illness, it may be due to body image, resentments, or those kids you mentioned although feeling unwell can certainly make you less in the mood. As for kids, have you even asked whether she wants kids? Rather than just assume that the illness is a barrier, she may not actually want them. All things to consider. I'll be honest, your questions seem fairly immature to me, and I doubt whether this is something that you are capable or emotionally mature enough to take on. I'd think long and hard about that before you commit, as you won't be doing this poor girl any favors in the long run. She deserves someone who can be there for her, who accepts her without judgment, and who doesn't care about her illness one bit, other than the impact it has on her. Dealing with the rest of the world's small minded attitudes is hard enough, she doesn't need it from a partner too.