OT - To The Single People On Here (Valentine's Day)

Hey all, I just wanted to shoot a quick post onto here regarding dating/being single with UC... to those of you wishing you had somebody close to share life with.

Really, I just remember sooo sooo many days/months/years of being single. I don't think I had a girlfriend from about the age of 18 until I was 26 years old. UC climbed into my life when I was 18, and I don't know... it just sort of did a number on me in that area. I remember a lot of times wondering what was wrong with me, why I didn't feel comfortable getting myself out there, or if I was just not a catch.

Things were always sort of hard with simmering UC and intermittent flare-ups. I just resigned myself to being more of a homebody than getting myself out there. I had a lot of times I felt alone, or not good enough... or you know, those sort of feelings.

Eventually I pushed myself out there, and I have to tell you that there really was a world waiting for me. It's not that it doesn't take work to find quality people to get to know, but it was there.

Just sending this post out there in case there are single people who felt like me. Having hope was always really valuable to me when UC was bothering me and I felt alone.

What a kind post, T. It'll have a big ripple effect, I imagine.
Your journey is very inspiring.

I feel like my UC has made me stronger as a person. I feel like any pain I may come across, physical or emotional, I can deal with because of the pain I've gone through with UC. I feel like anyone with a chronic illness can relate. I think I have also become more independent too. My health comes first. And while I do want to get married and have kids someday, I am truly happy being single right now. And for anyone who is feeling down on Valentine's Day, it is now the 15th and all candy is on sale!!

mcfarl73 said...
it is now the 15th and all candy is on sale!!

Yeesss!!!

Malaika, sorry you are feeling down. I'm hoping you are feeling better today

Most certainly, don't let a stupid, overcommercialized holiday get you down. But, I understand how it can get people down, with the barage of ads and promises of romance. Spouses can be wonderful at times and they can also be a huge pain in the butt too (so be careful what you wish for lol). Many are happily single, and want it no other way, so it is a perfectly justified way to go as well.

Thoreau and others have dated with uc and it can be done if you're not actively flaring. Certainly put your health first but don't let uc, or desire not to have kids be hinderances if your uc is well controlled. FYI, not every guy wants to have kids, many are either quite unsure or just don't want them outright (myself included). Should you wish to look someday, I highly recommend online dating as a great way to meet people (match.com, eharmony, and others), I know a number of people who were successful.

If you're single and see all the valentine's stuff just realize that it's all over the place because companies know they can sell almost anything at any price because one doesn't want to be the husband who didn't think of his wife enough to buy her something. "He might not remember but she will" adds worked on me my friends. As a married father with two kids I played the game yesterday because I have learned my lesson in previous years..
For the first time in our marriage (or quite a while), it went almost like TV:
My daughter got a Valentine's day card from my mother-in-law. I noticed because I saw a $50 bill on my daughter's night stand (rare sight). Even though my wife had the card open in the kitchen all week it took seeing that bill for me to take note.
So I asked my daughter on Wednesday if she'd help me get a gift for 'mom' and she agreed (SCORE!). A 16 year old would know exactly what to get and, for me, no worries. Knowing my daughter doesn't forget all worries of the day just went away that day. The rest of the week goes by and I get a text from my daughter around 2:00 pm Friday (she's at school and I'm at work). She's trying to get out of our deal (at that point I had no clue it was Valentine's Day tomorrow. You see that's why they have so many reminders all over the place and charge so much closer to the event; not to make single people feel bad for not having a mate but for people like me who can afford a gift but need all those adds to get them into their store.
I shamed her back into it with those sad faces you can add to texts. She met me at a store. I was 15 minutes late.
She already had something picked out (I barely looked at the price). She was worried if she would like it but I knew from experience you just buy anything that fits (1) and it remotely pretty (2) and she is happy because she's going to take it back anyway.
Told her, "You're a perfect daughter to do this for me." (she loved hearing that; meant her weekend has less chores and she'll get to go out with her friends without much interrogation).

I gave her the gift late Friday (I was suspicious as to why she was staying up so late; it was 12:30 am). She saw the charge on the credit card and couldn't wait to see what I got her. She looked at her pretty exercise outfit, thanked me and smiled. 3 seconds later she asked if it came in black (how would I know; my daughter had it already picked out when I got there; I didn't actually look through racks of clothes)
'How did you know to go there?' 'How did you pick this out?' 'Who helped you?': Busted
'You made her drive all the way out there?'

Still, she was happy and spent about 30 minutes on the web choosing what she really wanted from that store. Early next morning she was off to return the gift and last night showed me what she really liked (it was 3-4 times more expensive than my gift)

"See what I got?"
"That so nice." (I really looked at it; that's the key...they know if you really mean it; touching the fabric and commenting on the color only adds more). I have 2 daughters and had 2 sisters so I know.

She was happy. We went to the grocery store for her to show off her new outfit. lol

Normally a couple my age has a night like this full of stress, leading in arguments, someone sick or some other family drama. Not this time.

She watched Titanic and I watched the end with her and score (if you think it's at all like in the movies then you've only watched TV; I'll just say it was the least awkward it's been in years so it was perfect).

So I'm writing on this computer and had better paint the hall ASAP or my ass is grass.
Now that's a married couple in love my friend!

You're single so please enjoy while you can and while I am very happy I bet if we switched shoes we'd see equal happiness.

Post Edited (Burli) : 2/15/2015 5:02:40 PM (GMT-7)

malaika said...

I just think it's a natural, evolutionary/biological response for a man to seek a partner who is healthy. But I'm very young still, so it's silly of me to be all doom and gloom about it.

I think you have misunderstood men a bit. The evolutionary laws of nature don't apply to men. They will screw anything that moves.

if you knew your kids would have severe UC would you still have them?

fightuc: No one knows the future but the odds are much higher that your kids won't have UC than they will. I think the odds are only 20 - 25% that a parent with UC will have any children that develop it. That means 75 - 80% won't. While those odds are too high for some I find it amazing that some people look at the world so one sided, as if there were no other diseases in the world. The fact is that probably almost 100% of human beings will eventually develop some kind of serious health condition if they live long enough. We seem to be OK with passing cancer genes on to our children but, god forbid, don't let them come down with UC. If that logic was applied to all then no human beings should ever have children and we should just let the human race die out. It could very well wind up being that the child of a UC'r (whether they develop IBD or not) might wind up being the one who finds the cure for the disease and if we never let them be born the cure would be just that much farther out of reach.

Guardian7 said...

I think you have misunderstood men a bit. The evolutionary laws of nature don't apply to men. They will screw anything that moves.

Well that's promising :P I think it's getting them to stick around long enough to father a kid that's the issue :p

I definitely want kids, but I'm open to adoption, or maybe surrogacy. I would definitely not let the fear of them developing UC be the sole factor in not wanting my genes to be passed on, because if anyone knows that UC can be just as much a blessing as a curse, it's me. I don't, however, know the ins and outs of other autoimmune diseases, which they would also be at a higher risk of developing. I also have several mental disorders, and although my environment hasn't been great, I believe they're strongly biologically based. I am much more concerned about passing those to my children.

Even before I developed UC I never particularly wanted to get pregnant, despite my intense longing for children. I don't think I have the bodily strength for it, nor the right bone structure conducive for a safe and healthy pregnancy (pelvic tilt). I recently saw an animation of pregnancy's affects on your insides, how it squashes all your organs up, and it looks horribly dangerous for a person with severe pancolitis. (Of course it can and has been done by numerous people with no problems, I'm just not sure I want to personally take that risk). Finding remission has been impossible for me, and I won't want to stop my medications while carrying and breastfeeding.

I'm only 20 and don't even have a boyfriend yet, and I know I may change my mind, but I feel my entire life has been a case of telling myself 'you'll feel differently when you're older, don't worry', but in the process of growing up I've never actually changed my mind about the major things I thought I would.

mcfarl73 said...
I feel like my UC has made me stronger as a person. I feel like any pain I may come across, physical or emotional, I can deal with because of the pain I've gone through with UC. I feel like anyone with a chronic illness can relate. I think I have also become more independent too. My health comes first. And while I do want to get married and have kids someday, I am truly happy being single right now. And for anyone who is feeling down on Valentine's Day, it is now the 15th and all candy is on sale!!

Haha... so true. You sound like you're in a great place.

malaika said...
I just think it's a natural, evolutionary/biological response for a man to seek a partner who is healthy. But I'm very young still, so it's silly of me to be all doom and gloom about it.

I'm not sure how old you are (**Edit, now I'm down the thread and see you're 20). I'm 30 years old... and what I can tell you is that as I went through my twenties all of the definitions of dating, or rules I thought the world followed... they all got blurred. Eventually everyone just seems to find their own best path, and that doesn't mean that people with UC are overlooked as partner potential. Looking back I can think of situations where there were women into me that I could have pursued, but I had little confidence or experience to make a move. I think I had to grow through things before I was ready for that. Having UC highly likely clarified what I really needed in a way where I didn't pursue as superficial of relationships as I otherwise might have.

What Guardian is saying about generating your own happiness, and that it will come back to you in like-kind, is true. That was part of what I did when I say I got myself out there. I built up my confidence in myself. It's really just being happy to be who you are, and then letting the world notice it.

Post Edited (Thoreau) : 2/15/2015 3:33:56 PM (GMT-7)

My sister (UC&epilepsy) has 4 kids & 3 grandchildren. She has constant flares though they never put her into the hospital. The autoimmune disorder has caused her to have serious eye issues. Her husband was in perfect health when they met and most their marriage but got Wegener's granulomatosis while the kids were in high school. She's a CPA so luckily they had her income (she went from stay at home to get work quick). He's a family doctor; was unable to work for 5 years and extremely sick when the kids were in middle and high school. Overall they're very happy and so are all the kids.

I married at 30 (wife same age). Wife very healthy. Last year she got breast cancer and I took better care of her because I know what it's like to be sick. Same as I always took better care of the girls when they were sick (they wanted me because I know how it feel to hurt, have a fever/chills - empathy. A similar aged woman in the neighborhood got breast cancer and soon afterword the couple divorced. I could care less about vanity issues wrt me loving my wife and the anesthesia did make her depressed but I understood. Wife was lucky to have married the runt of the litter I say. lol

Healthiest sister married around 30 and couldn't have children (he had low sperm ct); he's a man's man, very smart and kind; you just can't predict what will happen.

I wouldn't trade places with anyone in the world and you tell me someone who is better than you and I can probably convince you many more ways you're better off than them.

You've got to learn to love yourself and do try to better yourself and strive for the best you can be but just know, the issues you have, they pale in comparison to more.

Don't let UC stop you from having kids unless you feel you couldn't handle it. Not having them because they might get sick or not be perfect: that is the silliest talk I could ever have heard.

Post Edited (Burli) : 2/15/2015 4:09:05 PM (GMT-7)