Newbie here

Purple is my favorite color, then magenta then indigo. Anywho. I am a common contributor to two other Healing Well forums, and got to thinking, hey, These Alzheimers folk might have some ideas, suggestions, support for me, also. See, about two years ago my Dad tracked me down (I was in Gypsy Mode) and said please come. So, I did. At the time I thought (as did he and his wife, my stepmother), I was coming for a couple of weeks, maybe a month because she (stepmother) has developed Kidney disease, and needed help getting set-up for Dialysis. Well, lo and behold. I'm still here. Apparently, Dad had been "forgetting" stuff for about five or more years and clever lady she was, she was covering for him. (she was also a compulsive gambler so having him in la la land, facilitated her supply of the family finances). Two years later and a walk through Hades and back, it's just he and I, two very clever dogs, and more cats than I care to talk about. So, if ya'll don't mind, I'd like to dial you up a time or two as some days get pretty rough. My sibs have taken off, one moved 4000 miles (not kms., miles) away, the other moved to New York and got 'real busy, getting real busy', if ya'll know what i mean. So it's just me, and me poor mixed up, sometimes angry and belligerant ol Dad, these two great dogs and more cat's than I care to disclose. Thank-you 

Thank-you, tinybit. My dogs are my life. i guess my Dad too, but some days I get so frustrated with him. He yells in my face sometimes, like yesterday. He doesn't understand what I'm trying to do and he thinks I don't know what I'm doing, him being A Man and me just a lil ol girl so he yells. This is the part I can't deal with. Also, his coming into my room. I have my bedroom at the far end of the house and he's started more and more to come in when he has a problem, to ask for help. Sometimes it's justified, like this morning, he apparently has a sore back from overdoing it yesterday, but yesterday, and every other day when he's overdoing it, I try to warn him, don't lift so much, take it easy. But no, him being a big man and all, he lifts, then he whines, just like I'm doing know. 

Otherwise, the cats. Well, this story is both tragic and funny, like so much else, in life . We have a large property, 20 milles from here. It is a run down farm. I lived there with Dad and briefly with his wife until she got really sick and had to go to a nursing home. So then it was just Dad and i. He built the house, and it's in very bad repair. It leaks and stinks and is damp. We go down every two days, or everyday, when we can, for me to care for cats. I prefer dogs. But because we have all these outbuildings people drop cats off they don't want. right now we must have forty or so. I found homes for three. It's a start. But they keep multiplying. I keep a little heater on, we have lots of old blenkets and stuff, I keep the litter boxes clean but all the shelters are full to overflowing. So, we can say, honestly, but no intentionally, we have forty cats. Thank-you.

Thank-you. Today was a slightly better day. I got to leave Dad on his farm clearing out the kitchen of junk, while I went to a pdoc (shrink). I've been depressed pretty much since I took on this caregiver role, my migraines have trippled, and somedays I feel like it's me "losing it". When I leave my Dad like that at the farm, I alert a neighbor just to keep an eye on things. Generally, Dad will  clean around his house (he built it, even though it's in very bad repair, he likes the familiarity. So then I get a mini vacation, to see a doc. The doc helps me clarify, helps me to see things objectively and I come away feeling much more in control.

My Dad was officially diagnosed a year ago, July past. His Power of Attorney was done simultaneously, because the doctor alerted us he could sign a release for Dad vis a vis, his knowing what he was doing, at that time but wouldn't for long. We got right on it. I know that it's a very hard road because there is no happy ending, things just keep getting worse. Dad was somewhat intimidating in the doctor's office last visit because Dad scored under 22 on his memory test and the doctor told him he couldn't drive any more. Dad commented about driving a bulldozer right through the building and the doctor told him "Ï can have you locked up for that". Later Dad told me he was joking, but, anyway, yes the person disappears and leaves a shell. For example, my Dad fibs, alot. about  things where the truth would do as well. I don't know what to make of that.

This forum has saved me, it is a wonderful thing. I reccomend it to everyone who might benefit.  

My grandmother "fibs" too but I don't think they know they are lying. I believe that for some reason they become secretive and paranoid on occasion and may think that if they tell you the truth to something that is trivial that you may not like them anymore because to them, it may be trivial to us but it's major to them. If that makes sense? I have caught my grandmother several times in lies but I just let it go. Because as long as it's not harming anyone then it doesn't really matter.

My grandmother moved in with me 4 years ago and she is legally blind so she appointed me her POA as well as her health advocate. She didn't have any mental disturbances at that time. But when her mental health started declining, I am glad that she had that in place so I could care for her like I wanted. But yes, it is very important to have that paperwork to back you up. To me, it allows me to control her finances better without having to worry about some vulture coming in to swoop up her income.

Tyno, I have a question for you? Was your father good to you when you were younger? If so, what is your fondest memory?

Good questions Red
I am in Canada as well and it is Turkey day today ...Monday

I do hope you wil stay with us and learn as you go along

Tke care plz and it is great you are so good with your dad
I have lost both mom and dad within 2 yrs of each other

I hate this DD

Keep posting

LYN

A Very GOOD post Red
Thanks for giving us all something to think about and to work on

You definitely have a way that shows us all

How to care for our Loved ones


I have so many good / wonderful
Memories of both parents

Luvs

LYN

You guys are great. It is difficult sometimes to keep a positive perspective when you are (I am) so tied to this person, 24/7/360 days a year. My brother spelled me 3 times  (1.5) days this past summer. I actually spent a lot of that time trying to figure out how it was that I ended up with almost all the responsibility for my dad, and why the other two sibs were distancing themselves from us. The majority of the interaction between my brother and I is phoney, how can I help? but no follow through, if you know what I mean. I suppose the three half weekends last summer was real, but it ended so abruptly. I thought he was coming for the summer to help out when actually he was coming to work, and when that job ended in one month he packed up and went back to New York. My sister came and took my Dad away, didn't tell me she was going to, or where she was taking him, took him to a camp they'd rented about 50 miles away and wouldn't answer any of my phone calls. I had to invoke assistance from the Adult protection worker and the local police to get him home and establish some ground rules around visitation. I have no problem allowing her to come to our house and visit, or even take him for a drive, so long as she tells me when she will have him back, and not drink (as he told it, she and her Hubby broke out the beer midafternoon), he had no idea where he was or how he would ever get home, and said he was terrified when they started drinking. I know I'm whining, for that I apologize but the frustration builds up inside of me and since there is just Dad and I and the two dogs here, I sometimes feel like I'm going to explode if I don't write something, or talk to somebody. Getting the treatment for depression is helping, slowly, but at the same time the reality of the situation which I had burried deep down in the dark place, is coming to the light of day and it's hard to face. I have terrifying nightmares about violence erupting between my sibs and I with Dad off to one side being the subject of the conflict. I also speak too freely in front of my dad about the animosity between we three, and I know, that is wrong. However, sometimes he initiates the conversation asking "what is son up to. Why is daughter so difficult to talk to". He doesn't understand. I don't understand either. I know it is related to their feeling the loss of my dad as the person whom they could turn to for answers and help when they needed it. I feel that loss too. I see him daily so am in the middle of his decline therefore I don't notice the changes as they come to me gradually, day by day. The sibs talk to him rarely, and see him seldom, so the changes must seem abrupt and scarey. Maybe that is why they are trying to distance so. Maybe they are Mad at the Disease and they can't be mad at Dad because he is the victim and their Dad. They then can only be "Mad" with me safely. I'm not a threat, or am I?  Even my pdoc asked me why they are distancing themselves so, and why if they can't physically help out, why they can't at least help a little financially, because we struggle to survive? I didn't have an answer to that question. My dad gave us four (myself, my brother, my sister, and my stepbrother)  this incredible piece of real estate just five miles up the coast from where we're presently renting. I had verbal permission from all three of them to sell my share and my stepbrother's share to generate funds to relocate to a better house, that we would own, not rent. Also it would help out my stepbrother as he has a daughter with two young children, whom he'd like to set up trust funds for, and it would allow some funds to be set aside for rainy days, like today, when we (dad and I) are barely scraping by. They agreed until the surveyor was about to divide out our side (about 33%) and then my sister blew the plan up by writing a letter to the lawyer working on the division of the property, calling me a thief and a liar, and saying Dad didn't have anything wrong with him, he was merely elderly, and I was robbing him blind. Dad was cognizant of each step along the way, as was my stepmother, and they both were totally in agreement until whamo, the whole scenario went sideways. Dad still insists we can just go ahead and survey but I've spoken to two lawyers, both of whom say it would have to be decided in the Supreme court and it would cost a fortune. Basically, they both said, we all four have to sign releases to allow a survey to take place. I know I'm long-winded but I am starting to feel a little bit better by getting this off my chest. Phew, thanks for listening. 

I have told my brother that I feel too much of the burden has fallen on my shoulders. As well, my youngest son (21) has told him that he needs to be more involved. My brother's reply was "my priority is my own family, my wife and my children". Then my brother gets really nasty towards me so I avoid him because it's too painful to even talk with him, much less confront him. My sister is really unstable (I think). Sometimes I don't know if she's for real, or not. If there was some way of figuring her out. She dropped my mother (who has MS,) 50 miles away from her home when my mother flew there to visit her. My Mother is hard to deal with, but you can't just drop her on the side of the road like an unwanted cat. Don't misunderstand me, I wouldn't do that to a cat either. Also my sister changes her temperment so often, you can begin a conversation on fairly friendly terms and she'll be yelling obscenities at you within two minutes. She changes her mood so often. Neither of my sibs accept any ammt. of disagreement, or challenge. They will do everything in their power to make you wish you'd never begun a discussion. I raised an issue with my brother about something he'd done a couple years back, that I would do now, given the opportunity, regarding the real estate we commonly own. He made me so miserable with unwanted and harassing emails, I was considering blocking him. It got so I was afraid to open my mail for fear there would be another from him. I don't see any happy ending here. I recently lost a good friend who helped me through the separation from my children's father. Bob was his name. He used to say, in this case, "expect nothing. If he does make a contribution, consider it gravy. that's how I see it." Thanks for your support. I have to get us through this winter. I need to figure out something we can do to earn a few extra dollars. Like building birdhouses, or tole painting. Something I can do with my Dad that may even result in earing a little extra income. Then come spring I'm going to seriously look at getting closer to our extended family, my sons, and my Dad's sibs.

Tyno
Red poses a great question.......

I am a sober alcoholic and I have been since 1979
My dad quit drinking the same day I did
The day after my hubby was killed in car accident drinking n driving

Have you checked into homecare coming in and looking after dad for a couple hours a day or even for every other day
We have that here and it helps out alot
You have much to carry and I do hope your family will help
MINE never did ....Sad to say
or respite care
At least you would have some time for self and projects you want to do

I know how you feel ....other than the bipolar
I wont lie and say I understand a condition if I dont

God Bless
LYN

I am truly sorry that you all have this DD in your family

I know you will soon find someone that can come in and give you a break
Homecare is paid for by government here in Canada
Check into that if you want
Call the Community Access Care Centre in your area

THey will have someone ( PSW) personal support worker come in and clean or do baths and give you time for self ...

Just a Thought

I hope you will email me . I live in Ontario........Strathroy
I would gladly talk to you on the phone IF I can be of any help

....LYN

dear tyno3, sounds like you do need some rest. i'm sorry you have so much on your shoulders. how's your dad doing? hope he's ok. hope you can find some peace. hang in there.