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Alzheimer's Disease
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Posted 2/7/2011 4:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hit a new low today dealing with my inlaws.  My mother in law has MCI (mild cognitive impairment) so she is forgetful in the short term.  No other significant symptoms of early stage AD.  She takes aricept and namenda.  Her husband has become exceedingly paranoid the last 6-9 months; he is 82 and bedridden.  She wanted to the locks changed on the house doors because he allows too many people to have keys and she feels threatened by the comings and goings.  Before the locksmith could leave the house, the cops arrived and detained me.  The siblings are all fighting, this is the 3rd incident requiring the police to be called to the house.  Mom is miserable living with her husband but she is stubborn and doesn't want him to chase her from her home of more than 40 years.  Two siblings feel we are doing things "to him" while we feel we are doing things "for her."  There does not seem to be a way to find peace.  He insists he will never move from the house.  What to do???
Posted 2/7/2011 12:34 PM (GMT 0)
I'm not quite sure I understand the whole social dynamics of your family. Are you married to one of the siblings? Do you live with them (the inlaws)? What sort of things do you do to help? Why does she feel she is being chased from her home?
Posted 2/7/2011 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, could you explain further? Sounds like a tough situation, my heart goes out to you.

Posted 2/8/2011 12:03 AM (GMT 0)
Parents have 3 daughters, I am married to the youngest.  The feeling she has of being chased from her home is the result of her husband being cruel and refusing to provide adequate caregiver assistance to her.  For example, he requires an attendant 24x7 since he is bedridden.  His overnight help is male and he will not allow her morning helper to come until very late morning when the nighttime caregive is leaving (he doesn't see why they should pay for two).  Naturally she is not comfortable be assisted with dressing or bathing by a male helper.  Another common problem is that he will "hijack" her helper even when he has one available.  It seems innocuous enough, his helper calls to her helper and says hey, give me a hand for a minute.  But, the result is that her helper does not reappear sometimes for 45-60 minutes. 

He has failed to provide for her safety in that he will not use bonded help, or even people through an agency.  He will not require any application from a prospective new caregiver and simply hires them based upon his assessment of whether they have the ability to help him. ....Then the jewelry went missing

We forced him to fire both helpers that had regular access to her bedroom by calling the police to file a theft report.  Rather than be concerned about the missing property, he was concerned that we would pursue the matter with the INS since one of the women was illegal.  He talked about the potential fine of $5000 but his jewelry loss could easily be $150K

He refused to allow us to buy a safe a few years ago when we became concerned with the revolving door of helpers he had coming and going.  That was before she was diagnosed with MCI.  Again, too costly ($230 at Costco)

He refuses to pay her medical bills for the doctor treating her for depression/MCI.  The doctor stopped taking medicare and only does direct bill.  He simply ignores the invoices and says she can switch or the doctor can start taking medicare again. 

I didn't intend to rant when I found this forum so sorry for going on and on. 

Posted 2/8/2011 12:06 AM (GMT 0)
PS - we do not live with my inlaws. my wife keeps track of things like her mom's doctor visits and regularly talks with the MDs about her condition. She fills the morning and evening pill containers and manages the prescriptions to assure there is medication on hand, however the caregivers actually hand her the pills to take. I do virtually all the grocery shopping for the household. I do other miscellaneous tasks too numerous to list for my father in law.
Posted 2/8/2011 3:07 AM (GMT 0)
I'm at a loss. I have no words of wisdom or ideas for you, so hopefully someone else will come along with some ideas. You are in a tough situation because even though you're in the family, it's not by blood so your say won't have much impact as it would with one of the siblings.

Has your wife ever tried talking to the rest of them to find out what is really going on? Are they unreasonable?
Posted 2/8/2011 4:24 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Sherry.  Since mom's diagnosis with MCI we have been pleading for help from the other two sisters (>2 years) They seem to be in denial.  Now that mom has demanded to move out, rather than coming to her aid, they feel she is attacking dad by saying she wants to leave.  So, it seems to be our perspective is what are we doing "for" mom and their perspective is what we are doing "to" dad. 

We are taking mom to see her psychiatrist.  Hopefully he will be willing to write a letter stating that she would be better living independently rather than in the marital home where she feels abused/neglected. 

We would then move her into a high end Assisted Living facility within a couple miles of the house.  That gives everyone the opportunity to have access to mom including her husband but it removes her from the toxic situation in which she finds herself. 

I'll try to keep posting.  Perhaps our experience will help someone else!

Posted 2/8/2011 11:56 AM (GMT 0)
That sounds like that would be best for all parties involved - moving mom out. I can understand her not wanting to leave but like you said, it is a toxic situation that I know must be grinding her down. No one can live in that sort of situation and come out unscathed.

Please keep us updated!
Posted 2/8/2011 2:22 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, I was going to suggest moving her to a facility to get her out of the situation, and into a safer environment. Even being at a facility, they have the care and knowledge to not let the abuse happen under their roof. I found my reasonable parents have now become unreasonable with certain things; something I never thought it would come to. It's really tough with the aging; I do believe they become more paranoid and stubborn. Good luck and keep us updated.

Posted 2/8/2011 7:33 PM (GMT 0)
I would say while I am not a lawyer I am aware of case law on a somewhat similiar situation in Kansas's divorce court. The parties were required to split the assets equally.
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