Help-advice for conversation w/Mom on moving to ALF

I have not slept good in at least a week. My mom has Alzheimer's, has for years. Now the time has come where I know I have to move her. The battle continues in my head day in and day out. Not over the decision itself, I know this is what I have to do, but over the conversation with my Mom about it.

I have done all the research. I found the facility. Known for being one one of the best in the country, and certainly in my area (Dallas/Fort Worth). The care she would receive there is so far above and beyond anywhere else. It isn't fancy. It may not have the luxurious feel of some of the places I've seen that make you feel like your entering a 5 star resort. But at the end of the day, its about the people, and the care she will receive, and I believe this is our place.

My mom doesn't think she has any memory issues, or none that she will admit to. So Alzheimer's is the elephant in the room no one talks about. She's lost tons of weight, she doesn't take her meds (or believe she needs to), she loses track of place and time in conversation, not to mention not making much sense much of the time. Home health care has bought us some time, but I believe moving her into a community now, when she is still conversive and able to make friends will be the best.

I have had advice all over the map on "the conversation". From, "just say you're going on a trip to X and wind up there where she has no choice" to "tell her the dr wants her to stay a while at this center to get checked out". I lean towards the honest approach. She is still my mother, and she deserves the respect of me sharing with her my concerns and that I believe fully in my heart that this will be the best thing for her and she will be happy there.

I'm not sure if I want her to be part of the process, as far as "showing her" the facility first. Because I'm afraid of the chance she will hate it and rebel. Plus, I've toured a ton, and already feel in my heart this place has the best care. But I would like to hear examples from any of you that have been through this, and maybe help me reach a conclusion on my approach. Help!

Thank you for the advice. I plan on having the conversation with her today when I get off of work. I have a very heavy heart. I keep praying for the words to use. I want to be as honest and as positive as possible. I just hope I don't break down in tears.

Yes, I can feel your pain. It's really tough and after my Dad passed away last year we knew that my Mom could not be by herself. We took the chance and moved her closer to my sisters and brother, because they could provide more support than I could. She was hardly eating even though we had 24 hour live in care, and she was down to 84 lbs because of dysphagia, a problem with swallowing. We went through some tough times after the move because she missed my Dad, moved to an unfamiliar place, etc.

I can tell you that even though she has Dementia, there were some "growing" pains. The place we moved her has about 40 people in it, so it's smaller which is perfect for her. It took her a few months to feel comfortable, and now she loves where she lives and is really happy.

My sisters and brother, nieces and nephews keep her very busy and I'm happy to report that she now weighs 110 lbs! I believe that the consistent watch over her, and making sure she eats etc. is the key to her happiness and weight gain. Her memory hasn't gotten any better, but heck, she's happy and not lonely at all. Take care and hope that the conversation went well. It's not easy...especially when you feel like you've become more of the parent.

Yes, it is a very hard time for everyone involved. I wish you and her the best. You did the right thing by being honest with her.

I took care of my GMA with dementia, I do sympathize. I found a couple of programs at home because of how sightful and smart Sherry is. She aimed and I followed hehe. As Sherry once told me, perhaps talking to DHS in your area. There are programs you may qualify for. I qualified for at home nursing 30 hours a month. Each place is different, but that was 30 hours I had to myself. I also found a nurse (at my doctor's office) and paid him with my own money for 6 hours a month at $15/hr. I also had my mother whom gave me 5 hours a week for free. My church gave us transportation and a companion when I had to go shopping or to my own doctor appointments or chemotherapy infusions. I refused to put GMA in a home til it was absolutely necessary, as I used to work in one and saw behind the scenes shall we say. I would of probably lost my mind if it wasn't for this forum and all the people here. I didn't have help at first, like I said Sherry aimed me to the right location and I only followed.

If a facility is needed, when you are checking them out please do not make appointments, just show up to catch them at their worse. Talk to the residents, see if they like it there.