Husband has sundowners, moving to care facility

Found this forum today. Guess I just needed to hear other stories and be able to talk at times. My DH was diagnosed in 2009 with Alzheimer's although there were signs before.

He has sundowners, memory is about 5 minutes or less and is very OCD about certain things. I've already commented here a couple times about his locking and unlocking doors every day/night. The dead. Lots don't work anymore because they've been jerked on too many times. He obsesses over the doors up to 40 or so times a night.

He tries to help by moving things around so that I can't find my toothbrush, pans, clothes and other things. I just spend a lot of time searching for things.

There are so many things he says does, I couldn't begin to share them. I spend so much time irritated and angry with him and then I feel horrible because I know he can't help it. We've been married 57 years and I actually think about him dying and would I be sad about it. I know....that sounds so unloving and selfish. I strive not to be such a hideous wife. But lose it so often and treat him terrible.

I just recently got him into a day care where he's been three times. He's so sweet and everyone loves him there. It's been a good break but it was heartbreaking to leave him there the first time...I was sick about walking away.

My friends and family say I need to put him in a facility or at least plan to in the next few months but I can't imagine leaving him. He's very dependent on me and doesn't want me to be out of his sight. He waits for me outside the bathroom door. He's always been so good to me it seems the best thing is to stay home and make sure he's getting good food and care.

I just don't know what is best. He's up till 12-3 or so every night and we just don't get much rest. Guess I'm tired....
Sorry for such long post, it just came spilling out. Thanks to all of you for being here.

Thanks Steve for the reply. No, he is not a vet and I'm thinking I'll need some help from Medicaid after a small spend down. I have friends and family who are saying to get a divorce so I can protect our assets which is mainly a home.

Not sure this is a wise option.

In the meantime, I remain his caregiver and the new respite has been a god send.

Hi Angel,

My father had Alzheimer's and I understand what you're going through. When we had to place my father into the nursing home with an Alzheimer's unit for his own protection, we wondered just what would happen to his property, but his needs were more important. My mother had already passed away.

When you place a spouse in a nursing facility and you're still in your home, they won't take your home when Medicaid is needed to pay for his care, and you're allowed to keep one automobile for your use (at least that's how it was when we were going through it). It helps to call and speak to someone, either from a nursing facility's office staff, or your state's department of human services, to know just what takes place in your state when it comes to what the rules are. We were given all sorts of advice from friends who didn't know what they were talking about.

We did spend down my father's savings (meaning we paid for his nursing home care by the month from his savings) and were starting to prepare for him to go into the Medicaid program, but he passed away before his savings ran out and we never had to deal with selling his home or property.

I think it's time, for both your sakes, to place him in a facility. You have nothing to feel guilty about; it's just that Alzheimer's is too difficult for a spouse to handle single-handedly. My father's major organs were affected as much as his mind, but we knew he had to be in a facility when he tried to make coffee in the night and came too close to potentially burning his house down - with him in it.