How long is this dying process going to take

My 85 year old mother lived with my family for 5 years. The past year she started having some forgetfulness, but was ok staying home while I worked. This fall on October 19 she complained of a headache. I had a dr. appointment for her on October 23 and the dr. thought she had a sinus infection. By Sunday, October 25 she broke out with shingles on her face. I took her to the emergency room, after diagnosis and pills, I thought things would get better. After a week I realized she was not taking her noon meds, not eating lunch or answering her cell phone. I called Home Health and scheduled a RN, a bath aide, and a PT. By the end of November I couldn't leave her alone. She wouldn't and couldn't get out of bed by herself. I had to sleep on the sofa bed because she called for me in the middle of the night. I had to go back to work and made the decision to put her in a nursing home. She seemed to understand I couldn't take care of her. She was losing memory terrible. She has been in a wheelchair since 2008 and has atrophy in her legs. She has severe osteoporosis and had 8 fractured vertebrae in her back since 1998. She weighed 110 in October and lost 14 lbs in a month. She didn't want to eat and refused to take her vitamins and supplements. December 1 I put her in a nursing home where she is on hospice. I was thinking it wouldn't be long before she would pass. She always told me she didn't want to live the way she now is living. It is so sad. She wants to come home, but I can't take care of her. It takes two people to pick her up out of bed, to the commode and to the wheelchair. She can not carry a conversation. Doesn't remember much. She asks me how she can get better and I tell her the truth. There are no doctors that can make her better. Jesus is the great healer and I gave her permission to go to Jesus. I gave her Tylenol for pain, but it wasn't enough. So Hospice nurses got the order for morphine. She says she is constantly in pain and they don't do anything about it. I found out Mom has been refusing the pain medication. I think she has so much brain loss, she can not comprehend. She fell out of the wheel chair and out of the bed. They put a monitor on her.

I have POA and she made out a living will and DNR long time ago. The quality of life is terrible. She talks, but it really isn't a complete conversation. She asks me how to make it better and how she can get out of the nursing home. I can't go see her every day and it just breaks my heart when I do. I don't know what keeps her going. She is just fading away. I am afraid she is going to end up with pneumonia and struggle to breath. It has to be easier dying in a coma than with pneumonia. I feel like I am deceiving her because I told her she could die at my house and I would be with her. She asked me what she could do and I keep saying I don't know. Can I tell her to stop eating and drinking and she will die and go to heaven to be with the great healer, Jesus? Will the nurses get concerned that I am trying to kill my mom? I know this is inevitable and she is suffering in a body that can't do what it could a year ago. It is heart breaking. The Hospice Nurses even say she is not suffering. I disagree. I know my mom in her right mind would not want to be like this. One of the nurses said we can't give her more morphine that would just kill her. This is really hard. The nurses are feeding her pureed food now and that is just enough to keep her alive. Please don't get me wrong, I love my mother very much, but I know she would not want to live like this in her right mind. I don't like this dying process, just waiting until she dies little by little.

I felt like I was reading my story with my grandmother. I have been exactly where you are and it wrenches the heart. It is so very difficult to deal with. My Gma would beg me to "put her down" like a dog. I can not tell you how many times I left the assisted living center in tears.

I wish I can say it will get better but I can't. Hang in there and know we understand how you feel.

Just an update. My mom was on hospice until April. Surprisingly she did not die. After three months of spending most of her time in bed and eating very little, her energy level came back and she spends most of her day roaming the halls of the nursing home. They took her off hospice. I go to visit once a week. This summer I noticed she would forget my name, but she was so happy I came to visit. One day I arrived in the morning for a care meeting, but I went to see her first. She said "I haven't seen you in a long time." We visited and I told her I was meeting with the head nurse and social worker. After the meeting I went back to say good bye and she said the same thing to me, "I haven't seen you in a long time. " I left to pick up the kids and returned about 3 pm and sure enough she said the same thing to me. Her dementia is so bad. She doesn't feel anything is important to remember. She lost her glasses in another residents room two months ago and when I ask her she says, "I don't wear glasses, never have." We have no idea where they are and she doesn't want them. Life is interesting, you can never really plan as it never goes the way you expect. I was planning a funeral, but guess again. My mom is still with me, not the same, but different and our new normal.
Thanks for listening.