new to this group

I entered this site, curious about the support out there, the support I didn't know about when caring for my own mother for the last two years of her life. I was her sole caretaker, with my 90 year old father's help, and the struggles and frustrations were many. It has been a year since I lost my mom to this horrible disease and still wish that I could know if she was aware at all that I was with her in her bedroom, here in her home, when she died. Did she know she was surrounded by family at that time, or was her brain still telling her she was without family? It will haunt me forever, I'm afraid. Again, just curious to read some of your postings and find some parallels to my own experiences.

Survive , welcome to Healing Well. So glad you found us! This is a great site with wonderful caring people. You won't be disappointed.

I am sure that your Mother knew you were present with her many times and I know how you feel. You just have to believe that she left this world in peace knowing how much you loved her.

My son was killed instantly in car accident and I was devestated and worried that he did not know how much I loved him. But I have come to accept that he did and I still tell him everyday.

My husband's Grandmother had Alzheimer's for 10 years before she died in her 90s. My mother-in-law went everyday to feed her lunch and eat with her. She did not know who she was but sometimes her eyes appeared to recognize my mother-in-law for a few seconds and then she was gone again.

So, please believe your Mother felt the love surround her.

You are a special person to care so deeply for you Mother. Bless you.

Hello Charlie,
Thank you for your comments. I read your entry with great empathy and emotion. I can still see and hear my Mom asking for her father, looking around the house for her brothers, and wondering who would milk the cows if she didn't get going. As you know, their "present" changes sometimes by the hour, and later in the day she might be looking furiously for her lesson plan books to get ready for her teaching assignment the next day. It made me so sad and useless for awhile until I learned to join her reality, wherever she was. I found that telling her repeatedly that her family had been gone for years was not only troubling to her, but that she wouldn't remember it. So we talked about her father, where he was and if her mama was too busy to talk or help us make applesauce. After I learned to giver in to her reality, I was able to find comfort in her presence because she was comfortable. As much as I wanted to shout out that her granddaughter was graduating from college and how proud I was of her, that her grandson was being a wonderful father to her only greatgrandchild, and that her greatgrandchild was named after her and was such a delight....I had to keep those things I so wanted to share with my mom to myself. Instead we stayed in her reality. How I would have loved to get a hug from my mom to me, not to the woman taking care of her. But at least she saw me as a good person, not her daughter, but a good person nonetheless. Fortunatley, up until her death, she always saw me as one of the good guys. I know I was fortunate to have that. I commend you for all the loving care you are giving your wife. Removing her from the nursing home, and putting her in, had to be two enormously difficult and heartwrenching decisions. Keeping our loved ones in their own home is a gift that not everyone can give for many reasons. I happened to be able to take a leave from my teaching job, had my house sold almost immediately, and could financially take the hit of not bringing in an income in order to care for her and Dad. Friends tried to deter me because of the loss of income from my job, the back steps I was taking in my career, and the lonliness I was sure to face, but somehow I just knew it was right. Holding my Mom in my arms when she passed and capturing one of the four tears that came just seconds afer her last breath....that is what has given me a gift that is both precious and has also left me in this limbo of not quite knowing how to get back into the real world. Grieving her loss, and then my Dad's, has been hard. I had Dad as my Dad, with very little senile decline (he was 90) and we had conversations and memory sharing. WHen he was gone, everything was so empty. The house is smpty in so many ways, yet filled with many memories, frustrations and most of all LOVE. They are gone, but will always be here and I know I honored what they most wanted and that was to die in their own home, one they had built just so that would be possible. So this morning I am looking out at the mountains from the window that Mom had the architect put in such a place so that she had maximum exposure to the mountains and not the neighborhood down below. I sip the same tea from her favorite tea cup and gaze at this beauty she left me to enjoy.
Stay strong and know there are many people helping you in our own way.....
LE

Wondering how you are doing
God Bless
LYN

Hun
I will be totally honest here as always
I cry everyday for mom and I look out my window and see the house she and dad had lived in for over 30 yrs .........
I feel into a severe and I mean severe depression about 5 mths after she had passed away......
I have had no real closure with Mom's passing there is ashes now but my sis ( BTW never took the time of day for mom nor dad) has them and has supposed to be bringing them to me for a month now ........ya right......
I tend to her rose garden and to the other things she so dearly loved
It is hardes to lose your Mom IMHO and I think to me anyways it is because we no longer have that " where we have comefrom connection" IF that makes any sense to you .....
I had lost my Grama almost 2 yrs to the day of Mom and mom died on the day I buried my first husband in 1979
Alot of pain and memories of all came flooding back
I too despise this DD and I wish I could have mom back to as she used to be active laughing and just a wonderful woman ...........
We have so much in common my friend........
Know I am here for you PLEASE and will be til you tell me otherwise
Take care and let me know how today goes
Read my thread to MOm "Almost a yr" and if you want start one of your own it helps me immensely to talk to her thru this or just go on same thread I will bump ?bring it up for you
God Bless hun
I DO feel your pain and sadness and hatred for this DD that robs us and them
God Bless
LYN

Hi, not sure if I should comment or not. I had severe dementia a couple of years ago. Lost 80% of my memory at the time, getting much better now. I know at times I thought I was 18 (actually 36), couldn't understand who some people were (like my kids), couldn't understand why everything looked different and got mad at the changes, didn't understand what people were saying but very keen on the feelings in the atmosphere, got lost all the time walking on my street (I have lived there 31 years) and sometimes in my house.. I could go on and on...
I guess I just wanted to say is that the people who were with me day in and day out I knew even though I couldn't place how I knew them. What they said to me or in conversation, it took a long time, effort and energy to figure out what they were talking about. Like an animal though, I could sense if they were angry, happy, sad or excited. I think I got fear and excited confused though. I just didn't always understand their reasoning or what ideas they were trying to convey. I understood simple directions, although I would forget midstream sometimes. I knew who loved me and who didn't. People I don't know still come up and talk to me as if they knew me all their life and know personal details about me. But I don't know them, sometimes a face seems familiar and that is about it. I know if they are nice or not nice. That is about it. I knew my sister-in-law back then as the nice lady who took care of me. I didn't know her as family, just the person who fed me and took care of me (and apparently my kids too). My daughter then 8, I couldn't understand why so big for age 2, my sunshine, and sometimes she was someone I didn't know just some pesky kid that kept coming in my room. My son David was a year or so then. I didn't know him at all. (It kills me now to think about it). I know he was a good baby.
It seems like my head didn't know things, but my heart did. Your heart knows people you love and it never changes - even if you don't fully recognize them and have periods of mixed emotions. Now I see my kids and it is like that period of my life never happened, I recognize them fully just like I did prior to the dementia. ALthough we all know it did happen and there are a lot of fences to mend from it. I am extremely spiritual now. I believe there is an essence or spirit in us and once there is a connection or strong relationship between two people it will never go away. It may change, it may regress and it may grow, but it will always be there.
Your head just processes things...your heart knows things.

To all my brothers and sisters here on the site, we are connected in such a way only those who have walked in our shoes can relate, oh they mean well , they say I am sure you'll be alright or yes I lost a family member....But until you have walked down this road so traveled these days with sorrow , with love, with loss and with at times anger oh they can not possibly know the walk.. To all those who have and will be on this journey my prayers and thoughts are with you all. Renee aka Chillkoot