STRANGE DREAMS

I have been going to a counselor for the first time in my life to deal with childhood sexual abuse. I can remember everything up to the point where it was actually happening, then its as if I blacked out.

My cousnselor says now that I am talking about it these memories may begin to pop up anywhere at anytime, even in dreams.

When I was a teenager, I went through extreme turmoil. It started off as anxiety, then lead to being a hypocondriac, then to panic attacks, then to agoraphobia, I did not even want to leave my house. If I ventured out to a friends I would have there mom bring me home because I felt like something was going to happen. My parents told me I was just being rediculous and never took me to see anyone. So I lived it out alone. I would see my friends and siblings walk to the local pool and want to go so bad, so I would start to walk with them, then turn around, cause I couldn't do it. 

After making it a few more steps each day, I finally made it. And I learned to have the greatest time. It took doing this with everything, cause no one else would help me. It took me about a year and then I became quite confident. Could go all over. I just learned to talk myself out of the panic. Told myself its silly, its all in my head, I'm going to be fine etc...Somehow it worked. But I must say when I was in it...it was the scariest and most real thing in the world to me.

Anyways, I say all that to say. Now that I have just started talking to a counselor about the abuse I have been feeling more on edge, and anxious. Not to the panic point yet, but sometimes I feel it start and begin to talk myself out ot it, knowing I am really ok and if worse comes to worse, I pass out and my body does its thing and brings me back too. All I can say is thank God my body doesn't count on me for breathing and heart pumping. It does it all on its own.

Since I saw my counselor again this past Tuesday and shared one of my abuse incidents. I began waking up at night, which I hardly ever do. I hardley ever even remember a dream. Tuesday night it I woke up 4-5 times not from dreaming but was all tense, then the past two nights I  had the strangest dreams that woke me up,  again I was all tense and had the biggest headache. 

Hs anyone else expereinced this before? The dreams were not terrible abuse dreams, but they were dreams of intrusion so to speak but not sexual.

Pressing 

 

I like Kitt am very happy you are seeeking help with this all .I am so sorry you have and are dealing with these problems
I too have bad nightmares about my experience as a young girl and having been abused ........

I wish you all the best Pressing .

Please keep us posted

LYN

Pressing
My same reasons for shutting down and shutting ppl out .........is what she is saying to you and what you believe as well

I think it is for me at least a flight response so I dont have to deal with all of it at once....NOR let ppl see I am VULNERABLE........

As said keep posting and you do have our support

Hoping you are doign okay today

LYN

I am feeling a little better today thanks, yesterday was a really rough day. I have no idea why.
Maybe my depression was kicking in strong, I decided not to take meds because I am a fulltime nursing student and did not want to deal with any side effects that would come my way. I am just roughing it out at this point.

I feel like I just want to get this all out and be done with it. My childhood was pretty much wasted because of all the crap I went through, then I get away and waste half my life keeping this secret wrapped tight in my little brain. I only wish I had dealt with it all sooner. Yeah, I like it to be over tomorrow so I could really get on with my life.

I am pretty bad at being vulnerable in real life. I have always been the one who people would come to for advice. Everyone would say how amazed they were at my strength and how very little bothers me. What they don't know is inside I get torn up, that I really am not strong, its all a show so to speak, because I don't want people to know the real me. They have no idea what my life existed off, I have not shared that with any of my friends at this point.

Now, with all this starting, I feel this weakness coming over me and it scares me. I know I have to let go, but I am afraid of who I will become so to speak. I am afraid to feel all these feelings. That makes me somewhat anxious. I am so afraid of having a panic attack during the session so I pretty much shut myself down before I get to that point.

Wen,
I understand you having a hard time following through, believe me sometimes I want to run and not deal with it. I don't know what the end result will be and thats tough for me because I always like everything to be planned out, change is not my thing. Like you, I am afraid to have some of these memories surface. I believe one of the abusers was my step-dad and he is still married to my mom, so that would change alot. I don't even know how I would deal with it, my siblings and mom would not believe it and probably shut me out. I do know one of the abusers, I just can't recall everything he did cause I dissociated in order to not deal with the pain at the time.

Thank you all for taking the time to share with me, I really appreciate it.
Pressing

Thanks Nervymeg,

I have no idea what I am getting into. Its crazy, when I leave the session, It takes a few days till I get back to normal so to speak. Then I have another appointment, the nerves start all over again. I like going and being able to talk about things but some are too hard or too confusing to talk about, which is why my nerves go into overdrive.

I realize its just going to take time. I just hope it doesn't get so painful that I back out of it.
I am thankful that you are all here for me to chat with. I know there are times when I am really going to need it.

Pressing

Thank you for your support.

I had no idea how talking about these things were going to affect me
I have to keep telling myself its going to get better. As of now things have only gotten worse or maybe my emotions at this point have something to do with that, now that I am actually letting them out some.

Pressing

So funny,

I had kind off snapped on someone in church the other day for the first time.
This is a women who is pretty emotional at that, she came up to me and said you look so refreshed and vibrant. I don't know what came over me but I snapped back and said " I am far from refreshed at this point in my life" she looked at me in awe, then of course I felt a little bad about snapping and had to make up for it by saying perhaps its because I straightened my hair today or that I am a little more dressed up than usual. She didn't say anything after that, but the look on her face when I snapped at her said it all.

If you knew the type of person I am, you'd know that is so far from me. Like I said my emotions are a little on edge lately.

Yes, I was always the one who gave advice and helped others. Someone needs notes in school, who do they come too, me, my notes are always neat and organized and I never miss class, have a great GPA, which after this semester is falling because of slacking some due to my depression. Thats another bummer in itself.

I know they come to me because I never let my emotions show , I come across as so even toned but like you said, inside I get torn up. Would love for someone to be strong for me for once, but its my fault, I never let them see that, except for my mom who always makes me feel like crap when I show that side, so I avoid it.

I have done everything on my own for years. Moved out of my parents home at 19 and have been on my own since. Never asked for anyone's help, actually would refuse it if offered. I just had to do things on my own. If I wanted to do something, I'd do it, traveled all over, in the states and abroad, bought my first house in my twenties, never married as of yet, cause who needed anyone else right. I was living in denial, I just didn't want people to know the real me. I couldn't be vunlerable because thats how I was hurt in the first place, so I had to protect myself and thats how I did it by building up walls to keep people out.

With everything that I am dealing with now, I am beginning to realize I need the help of others, but its hard at times to acknowlegde that. Objectively, I know its all part of the processes, subjectively I just don't quite get it yet.

I really enjoy being able to chat with and hear your responses. It is so much easier to let these things out in this format, knowing many of you have been through similar situations. I just have to learn to let some of these walls down along the way to let others in, its so not easy.

Thanks again
Pressing