New member - JT Cage

Hi JT Cage,

 

I have started a new thread for you so that others can get to know you and responses can be made directly to you.  Feel free to changed the subject line if you wish.

 

Wen

First off i'd just like to say thank you so much to each and every one of you.  For the first time since my mom's passing a year ago, I feel like I'm not alone.  My first ever panic attack was 15 years ago.  I was 12 then.  My grandmother had a heart attack the day before, and was taken to the hospital.  I was the one who called 911 for her, while my mom and aunt tended to her.  The next day, me, my mom, my aunt and uncle, my sisters, and a couple others were all watching a movie.  A horror movie at that.  I somehow started to feel as if I couldn't breathe and nobody understood why.  My heart was racing, my teeth were tingling, i couldn't control my thoughts it felt like, i was crying hysterically.  My mom and my aunt were all trying to comfort me and let me know that I am breathing.  They said, if your not breathing...how are you talking to us.  LoL.  Whenever they said that and made logic, it would calm me down for a bit, but it would start back up.  This went on and off for about an hour until I eventually tired myself out from all the excitement and had no choice but to relax cuz i was exhausted.  My aunt was explaining to my mom at the time that I was having a panic attack.  Possibly due to what happened to my grandmother the night before, I was mimicking her symptons.

This went off and on for awhile.  Then my next major one happened when i was 19 or 20.  A couple of buddies and i were smoking, and the same feelings happened to me.  I thought i was gonna die on the spot, or lose my mind.  Which is a huge fear of mine.  I don't wanna lose control.  I was able to fight through those attacks.  Also around this time, my mom was starting to have really bad anxiety attacks.  Worse than mine.  For a few months she couldn't go to work, she couldn't go to any public place like a store or anything like that.  She was in constant fear.  During this time period, surprisingly, mine had went away.  I'm guessing because i didn't feel alone anymore.  Which i wasn't happy that my mom was going through this, but it was comforting in a weird way to know i wasn't the only one.  Through therapy and such she got through it.  Every now and then she'd get attacks, but she'd know how to get through it.

Now lets fast forward to last year.  After a year and a half battle with cancer, my mom passed away.  My stepdad moved on with another woman like a month later.  My sisters moved with my aunt.  And I live in a house with my 2 bestfiends.  We're all roommates.  During my mom's passing, i had only 1 major attack.  It was the day of her burial, when we got back.  My stepdad wanted to stop by a friends house who was having a party. To get his mind off things.  So we did stop by and I had some shots.  Awhile later that night, I had a major freakout.  It had hit me that i just lost my mother, and i felt like my world was over too.  My stepdad and stepgrandmother comforted me and got me through it.

Now here I am today.  I had some adjustments to make over the last year since my mom's passing, but all and all i've been fine.  Until a week ago.  I just turned 27 on sunday.  After my mom had passed, somehow ended up having a feeling that I would pass soon too.  i honestly didn't think i'd make it to 27.  So the day of my birthday, after all the candles were blown out, and I was alone, i freaked out.  I had some alcohol in me, but I felt like I couldn't cope with being 27, and that my life would end, and if it didn't, would i be able to make it and stuff.  I started feeling like i was going crazy and nobody would understand why.  Monday i was feeling a bit distant from the world around me.  Tuesday the same.  And last night, I had a full blown panic attack.  At the time it felt like nothing my roommates were saying would calm me down.  I called my aunt who lives a few towns over and explained everything to her.  I explained how i'm definately NOT suicidle, but it feels like i'm going to die.  And how can i cope and all that.  Trust me, I want to live a normal life more than anything.  I eventually became calm enough to watch a movie with my friends and just talk about how i was feeling.  They've never been through anything like i have, so they would comfort me, but at the same time it would freak me out that they hadn't experienced it.  I was so so close to going to the hospital, but then its like "What would they have done?"  i'm physically ok.

So after 2 hours of sleep, its morning right now.  My thoughts are still racing up and down, back and forth.  More so for the fear of "What if I can't get better?  How do i make this stop?"  the one person who truly knew what i was going through was my mom.  Now that she's been gone a year, and this is happening, I just feel so alone about it.  Everyone is saying i should see a therapist.  I explained to my Aunt that I was scared to because it'll be like i'm admitting i'm crazy and may freak me out more.  Everyone has comforted me by letting me know that therapist is a normal thing.  i always had it in my mind that you have to be going crazy to see one.

I've decided I'm calling off of work today.  I just want a day to kinda get past this.  Plus i don't wanna cause a scene at work.  I then logged on the net and found this forum.  I am so grateful to find this.  It comforts me so much to hear from other people who are going through the same feelings and emotions I am.  For the first time since my mom, I feel like I'm not the only one.  I know this post is lengthy, and its my first one.  I just had so much built up inside me, that talking about my first time made me wanna tell it all.  I always thought I was over it, and now that its back full blown, I just need help dealing with it.  Thanks for your time, and i'm excited about hearing your replies. Thanks, and God Bless.

**Just removed one word lol.....Welcome to HW.......**

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 4/11/2008 9:04:11 AM (GMT-6)

Thank you Wen so much for your kind words and advice.  i'm feeling better than i was yesterday.  i occasionally get thoughts, but i'm trying to dismiss them and talk with friends and relatives who are all supportive of me.  And now i have another family who undertands what i'm going through, right here on this forum.  I actually don't have a family doctor.  When i used to go to the doctor in the past, they would tell me i'm medically fine.  I do have health insurance through my job.  I'm gonna call to find out how the insurance works for therapy.  I'm at the point that i'm willing to do anything to not have another episode like i had last night.  Last night felt like the world was ending.  Today feels like the world is begining, but it just makes me nervous about it for whatever reason.  Like fear, like what if i can't succeed.  bla bla bla.  I go through a lot of "What If's" in my mind.  And yes, weed definately triggered last night attack.  I was already kinda depressed about some things, and that just pushed me over.  I'm never doing weed again.  Thats the lesson i'll take from this experience.  Now my mind is in a fear type stage.  Fear of having another episode.  Is that normal?  Its like the only thing i'm thinking about is "Is what happened last night about to happen again?"  This is not me to worry this in depth.  And i didn't until last night.  And does anyone know how medication works?  Will it change me drastically?  I pretty much just wanna mellow out on the negative thoughts, that build and build more on each other.  Thanks for your help.  I hope to hear from you soon.

thanks Kitt for the support. I think i kinda know what is triggering these latest events. Especially alcohol. I was in a band for the last 5 years. A metal band. LoL. I wanted to quit the band when my mom was going through cancer and stuff, and she told me not to and to live my life for me and continue the band. I never truly knew how to live my life cuz i've been caring for my mom and my sisters my whole life. I always just felt like I had to. I never really thought about my own life. I mean i have dreams and stuff, but I never seriously thought about my life. Just the life of others. Anywayz, so during the cancer year and a half with my mom, I moved back in with her to help her and my family out, and continued doing the band. I was pretty much partying and drinking in a way to forget about what was going on. I mean i wouldn't forget, but it would ease things. When my mom passed last Feb, it had me spent, but i still didn't have to really think about my own life. I was there for my remaining family. Then just this January of 08, the band broke up for reasons of going other directions and other stuff. Once this happened and leading up to my 27th birthday, i started to think that this may be the end of me. Maybe its meant for me to die at 27 because i peaked out my life with the band. I started freaking myself out about this, and plus the rest of my family kinda moved on. So now for the first time i have to worry bout myself. Once i realized this, and then turned 27, i kinda freaked out. Thats what i'm going through now, that freak out. I know with everyone's support, and i'm looking into therapist now, i can get through this. I just want someone to tell me that the worst is over and not all good things, have to be coupled with bad things. I've made a lot of improvement in my life, and i think the realization of this freaked me out, cuz i don't wanna lose the good things. I dunno, it sounds like i'm ranting now. lol. I just wanna know everything will be ok, ya know. Again thanks for the support and the hugs. Please keep in touch, and thanks for being here for me all.

Hi JT and a very warm welcome.  I'm sorry about all the bad things you are coping with at the moment.  I've never lost anyone close to me (had a few close calls and many resultant panic attacks) so I'm not much help on this issue.  I think Kitts suggestion to seek out a bereavement group might be great, but, again I'm useless at this!

I can say, that I know what it's like to think thatyou're life is over and that it (anxiety/panic/fear) will never end.  JT, it will..it may take a little time, and a little work, but you will get out of this bad period.  Keep posting, keep talking to us (I reccomend stay off the alcohol -it only makes problems bigger in the end - and gives you a sore head to boot)

I've been seeing docs and psychiatrists for years and taking meds as needed, they really aren't a sign of craziness (or I would be a full blow loon!)..they can just give guidance, and meds can really help you get perspective on a situation so that you can move forward.  I wish you all the best, and look forward to hearing about how you go.  Take care now,

Welcome to the family JT. I agree with all the above have said. I will be turning 25 in a couple of weeks and just graduated from college when my panic and anxiety reached its worse. I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed my meds, and took my own initiative to find a therapist. My CBT (cognitive behavioral therapist) is awesome, and I can tell you first hand you have made the first step in recovery, knowing you have a problem and seeking help for it. I smoked alot a weed too, but have been clean for about a month (yay for me!) It defenitley makes the anxiety worse, so STAY AWAY. A/P can cause you heart rate to increase which is another thing weed does too. The combo is terrifying in a person with panic. It also will make you paranoid and the worry some thoughts begin to roll through your head. Plus if you are started on any meds, my doc said that smoking weed can decrease the effectiveness of the meds, making taking them pointless. All you can do is take it one day at a time and know you are not the only one out there. There are a lot more of us than you think! I was just as grateful as you when I found this forum, this wonderful family. Keep your head up and know that things will get better...
~~~HUGS~~~and keep posting, it's good medicine and it's free!

Post Edited (deedah) : 4/10/2008 6:06:37 PM (GMT-6)

Hey guys and gals. I thought i'd give a rundown of my day. like i said, i didn't go to work today cuz of being so fatigued from the events/attack the night before. That thing lasted from 8-12:30 off and on. but mostly on. Has anyone had attacks that long before? It kept coming and going, it was driving me mad. Anywayz, back to today. I was having milder attacks than the night before. I then reached out to my stepdad, who before my mom passed, was my best friend. you see, for some reason, a year after my mom passed, and my 27th birthday really triggered me to grieve. Like i said before, the first year i kinda didn't get to grieve. i was trying to be strong for family. Now a year later, on my 27th bday it hits me. Like a ton of bricks. My mom was like my air. I was a momma's boy. LoL. So now i'm kinda just starting this grieving process. first, someone, please be honest and tell me if i'm going crazy for grieving so late? So after last night with only 2 hours of sleep, and not being able to eat, I went to visit my stepdad. I let it all out to him. I told him how I'm grieving late, and how I have all this pent up guilt about things with my mom, which got me thinking about regrets in my life. I also let him know, just like I'm letting you guys know now....It felt like i missed a year of my life. I explained how it feels like i'm trying to catch up now, but the changes...which are actually positive things...made me feel distant. Like I didn't deserve these things. And this would send me into an attack. i start questioning the "what ifs' and stuff. Its like i need to know the outcome of things before they happen. He explained that everything is going to be ok. He just tries not to think about things. (easier said than done). He then told me advice that had me feeling like my good ole self again. He told me that the things that are good in my life are happening because i deserve them. So i shouldn't reject them. It comforted me and I felt great...i'm talkin super great. Like a huge weight had been lifted. this is even after i found out my job's insurance coverage doesn't cover mental health, i still felt good about things. and then at 7:30 i was dry heaving. for whatever reason i still can't eat. I related to this as me heading to the same time i had the attack. I started questioning if I'd get another one. Then i started questioning if i could eat. i also felt fatigued enough to go to sleep, but i started questioning what if i can't fall asleep when i try. and then the inevitable. I'm having another attack. not as bad as last nights, but still an attack. here i was thinking i'm getting better now, and it hit me again. I just feel so lost in this all. Please help me. I know i keep saying that, but talking with you guys really puts me at ease...even if its for awhile. Is there any techniques or anything to prevent me from going insane from this all? Infact, will i go insane?

JT
Positive and negative changes can cause panic. You sound like you are suffering bad. I was at that stage a few weeks ago, until I was started on meds. I didn't eat barely anything for like a week, lost 15 pounds in two weeks! I totally thought there was something physically wrong with me. Saw a GI specialist and I had an endoscopy, ultrasound and so on and so forth. Was in to see my primary care physician 3 times in one week! If you go back and read some previous threads that I started, you may see that panic/anxiety can last a long time, especially when you don't understand why it is happening or where it comes from. I have been on short term disability from my work for a month due to this. You got to have faith and def. find a mental health professional. Most will work out payment plans especially when you are in as bad as shape as you are. And the sleeping, yah I slept like 2 hours a night for like 2 weeks till I found help. At least you are finding help sooner than others. Some will goto multiple specialists because of all the symptoms that panic can cause before being diagnosed. There are great resources out there, take advantage of them (and we are one of them!) I can relate to the fears of eating because you don't want to vomit again, or go to sleep because you don't want to keep waking up or have nightmares (as in my case). Keep your head up and know that YOU WILL NOT GO INSANE!! That is just another symptom of the disease. We are always here but finding a good doc is your best route right now. And once again, have faith that the mental health care professional will help. As my therapist says, the 3 P's to panic, positive, prediction and prevention. It may never go away, but you will be able to predict and prevent. And my meds did wonders!
~~~HUGS~~~

Welcome JT
First you would never know it IF you were going crazy........you would just be crazy...
Anxiety is the sneakiest of enemies we have to deal with in our lives IMHO...
Secondly I am sorry for the loss of your Mom I lost mine 2 yrs ago March and it has been hell to say the least BUT now I celebrate her life and carry on some of her traditions morals she taught me and I forge on knowing she is up there looking down and holding a cuppa tea for me when my time comes
I have lost so many and I have lost so much of my life grieving... constantly crying that it took me to the darkest hole there ever was I never thought I would be able to climb out BUT I did

Your mom is now no longer in pain and that is the best thing for her I am sorry you dont have her I know what that feels like it is like the part of who you are or where YOU came from is gone and you have NO beginning and no end
BUT you do sweetie you do
Hades yes mourn her but also know she is pain free.........
Now you ....drugs and alcohol does intensify anxiety proven fact over and over
If you can find the strength and the will power to overcome all of this in you you will find you have beaten down the biggest demon you could care to meet..........
Why not try journalling some of what you go thru as well
Many have tried it and it has worked
Other self help techniques are out there or in threads here like CBT ..........relaxation ect.........
I am so HAPPY you found us and I will be happy when you start to see that taking small steps as you go along will help you they really will

Again welcome and I sure hope you plan on staying with us ......THIS is a great group of ppl

LYN

Dear JT,

I am very sorry for your losses and also want to share the fact that I loved your story as it mirrors mine. I'm here to say there is hope & life after 27 (even 30!) You can get through this and have taken a huge step by sharing with us in such a forthright manner.

I had several losses of friends and family members in my 20s but the biggest loss to me was of my band. I was a singer in a heavy metal/punk rock group and also did a lot of backup up singing and recording for other groups. I traveled worldwide. When my band broke up I thought my life's purpose and all direction were over.

After much despair and CBT I learned music is the single most joyfull activity in my life and I continued to pursue it as an avocation.

I went back to school at 29, got a different career (for $$) and still sing today at the ripe old age of 43 (everything from classical to acid rock).

I still struggle with anxiety and depression but I feel confident for the most part they are (can be) under control. As long as I have singing to look forward to I can feel joy. If you love your music as much as I think you do please pursue it. Do you write music or lyrics? How about forming a new band?

Not to preach but the drugs & alcohol must go. I know they are all still around the music scene only in different flavors. I am still offered drugs when I sing and I have some grey hair!

Yes, get some therapy (you won't go crazy) and meds if need be on Drs. advice and focus on the things that make you happy. Take it slow & your real voice will appear to you.

Best, Cary