HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

In those places

Support Forums
>
Anxiety & Panic Disorders
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 4/13/2008 7:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,
I am kinda new here, been reading some posts, so I thought I might put this out there. Well I am this kind of person who hates conflict, I seem to always get in the middle of things that I wish I did not have to. For example I am remarried and sometimes my kids don't get along with their step mom, if I take sides I end up the loser, if I side with my wife the kids are upset with me, if I side up with kids my wife is upset with me. I love them both so very much I wish they would get along. also my best friend thinks I don't see or talk to him because I am remarried, and if I tell my family I like to be friends again they think I am wrong, they think my friend is using me. So no matter what I do it will make someone upset, I know this seems petty, but it makes me so upset,even sick, anyone else like that? . there are more things, these are just examples, I feel like I have to be the peacemaker all the time, I hate seeing people fighting, it hurts me. I have told people that what they are doing is upsetting me and they just don't understand, any advice?
Posted 4/13/2008 2:47 PM (GMT 0)

It's hard trying to please everyone, so you need to realize, you can't make everyone happy.  You need to focus on what makes you happy too.  now as far as the new wife and your kids, I am in the situation, but I am the new wife.  I don't have kids and I will tell you, when my boyfriend and I went to couples therapy, they told us being the step parent is the hardest job - we make the sacrifices to be in the relationship but our opinions tend not to matter cause we aren't the parent.  So I suggest to really see what the problems are between your kids / new wife are and try not to view it as picking sides, but making the best decision.  I am sure there are times your kids are in the wrong and I'm sure there are times your wife is being unreasonable.  You'll have to learn to know the difference.  I dont know your friend or why they think he is a user, but all people need friends.  You can't be with your family day in and day out and never have a break.  It is unhealthy and unrealistic.  You need to balance.  Pick one day each week or month and make it about spending time w/ friends.  If you give up all your friends and one day you need one of them to help you out, they may not be around for you.

Good luck.

Posted 4/13/2008 11:25 PM (GMT 0)

Hello,

This is Kitt and I am sorry your going through this.  It seems like everyone wants you to pick sides and that is very difficult.

I think with your wife and children if they can talk it out and it is reasonable then if you can stay out of the middle and not let them manipulate you  into thier discussion that is the best way to go.  They must have their own relationship and you are not the referee.

As far as your friend, if he cannot understand your life has changed and so has his role then he is not a devoted friend. He also needs not to give unsolicited advice to you. If the two of you can get together great but you should not feel guilty for any reason.  You are living your life and he is his.

Remember to be assertive and know your boundaries. :)

Posted 4/14/2008 12:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,   Welcome to the A/P forum, we are happy to have you here.   I sooo agree with Kitt with Mitcl74 - you absolutely cannot please everyone all the time, it's just not possible.  You need not be the referee between your wife and kids and they need to know that.  Might I suggest that you have a sit down/family meeting with everyone and tell them just that - you are NOT going to be the referee or pick sides any more.  They will have to work out the problems themselves.  But you must also make it clear that the children need to listen and do what their stepmother says (as long as it isn't totally unreasonable).  She deserves that respect from them.  I know it's hard, I also have a blended family and after 12 years, we still have occassional problems with "you aren't my mother" or "you aren't my father".  This probably will never go away completely, but we work through it and that's what you and your family need to do before the communication and the family unit breaks down completely.   Please keep posting to let us know how things are going or to vent - any time.   Take care, Wen
Posted 4/14/2008 2:42 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, yes it feels good to vent,aaaaaaaaaaah. I will take your advice as to not being the referee, the last occasion there was an issue between my new bride and the kids, I just shook it off and stated that the two parties work there issues out without me and that diffused the situation. as for to my friend he is on marriage number 6, hey not my business. but he asked me if I would co-sign for a $2,000 engagement ring, well as ill as I was at the time I could have been talked into anything. Long story short he filed for bankruptcy $75,000 worth after the wedding and he did not even tell me, so I found out after I was declined credit, and after all of that he feels it's no big deal and I am as he states (making this issue to heavy) it took me months to reverse the credit reporting agencies. He keeps using my new marriage as the source of the problem, not him. That is why I felt so bad, and I did tell hem everything, except that I was asked if I would support criminal charges that he could face as he lied to the creditors. a uncomfortable position to be in with your best friend.
Posted 4/14/2008 2:48 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to HW
You have already received great input I will only say as a FORMER peacemaker I have now decided my health is better off not even going there anymore
I was forever the one to handle it all and got sicker with crohns and other DD for it
No one that I was helping would come to my aid I finally began to see
Glad you posted and hope you will not be a stranger.........

Take care
LYN
Posted 4/14/2008 3:10 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning,

I am sorry about your best friend and I would say you are best off at this point at letting go of that and moving on with your family and other friends.

My own children have asked for some loans and I do not have the money and I have told them if they needed money for a true emergency I would sell everything I own but to buy a new car or motorcycle..............nope. 

I am with Lyn in staying out of financial deals with friends. 

I hope your day is well.

Kitt

Posted 4/14/2008 3:25 PM (GMT 0)

Crohnie,

I am so sorry about your friend.  It sounds to me as though *he's* the one who let go of the friendship already, if he could treat you that way.  It's really painful, but you deserve better.

I'm with you about hating conflict.  No advice for you there, but plenty of commiseration.  It makes me nervous and uncomfortable just being in the room when others are fighting, even when it's nothing to do with me.

percycat

✚ New Topic ✚ Reply