Vent: Feeling low after bigotry episode

All,

I'm feeling very low and ashamed after being involved in an instance of bigotry today at my workplace.  We have a new colleague, I'll call him "Mark," and I was introducing him to some friends of mine in another department.  In the process of making nice chit-chat, "Mark" suddenly asked whether a local businessman was a member of a particular minority, indicating why he thought so by making an immature and rude slur about his impression when meeting the businessman earlier.  It turns out that one of my friends being introduced is in fact a member of that minority, and we were all (silently) flabbergasted.

"Mark" doesn't know this and surely wouldn't have made the slur otherwise.  I think he simply did it because the peer group he used to be among found such things witty; it's the kind of comment that could easily occur on a TV sitcom.  However, I feel ashamed and even guilty for subjecting my friend to this comment.  I know I couldn't control it - that's anxiety kicking in, saying I could have or should have - but I do feel very bad for having introduced my friend to someone who almost immediately insulted her for no reason.

I did not say anything to "Mark" afterwards about this appalling lack of tact (I barely know him, and my friend's personal life is none of his business, even to correct such a slip) but I did phone my friend and apologize for his comments.  For what it's worth, "Mark" is from a very unsophisticated background and is about 15 years younger than the rest of us (probably, only in his late 20s is my guess).

My friend happens to teach a course on this minority group on occasion at the local university, so she took the whole episode as a reminder of the need for educating others further.  I hope she'll suggest to me some good ideas for dealing with such situations - later.  She shouldn't have had to turn a direct insult against her group into a "teachable moment," in my opinion, and I don't want her to have to, even with me.  For now, can anyone suggest anything I could have done differently, other than continuing to beat myself up for creating the meeting that led to the hurtful comment?

Thanks for letting me vent at such length about something that's making me feel very anxious and sad.

percycat

Hey Percy,

I am so sorry you had this incident today. When this new employee made this comment, a lot of people are going to think, 'How dare he say what he did ?"

You were kind to let your friend know how sad you felt about the bigot but do not blame yourself as you did not make the comment.

You may want to be assertive and tell Mark that he may benefit from a class in Diversity Training as there are many online classes or perhaps your company has a class offering.  Now days this is often an automatic part of orientation to a new company. Your right, he may not have the maturity yet but he needs to learn it now if he is to succeed in the world today.

You are a wonderful friend and I think you will handle this to the best of your ability.

Bless you

Kitt

I think the first thing you need to do is realize that this is not some problem exclusive to that 'minority group' but rather a problem with this individual named Mark. And that you will always encounter an awkward social situation in life, that's just reality. Mark is the type of person who makes awkward comments, it seems like. No one in their right mind would walk into a professional environment and insult another person behind their back, much less during an introduction.

If this 'minority group' didn't exist, Mark would be any less prone to making awkward or offensive comments? Teaching courses on this 'minority group' is merely treating the symptom, and not the cause. And she is no authority on dealing with such situations simply because she teaches a course on this 'minority group.' These are social situations, not 'special circumstances exclusive to this minority group' situations. As humans, we have the authority to deal with it how we please. It's not a science.

Socializing is a big problem for me because of this very same reason. I feel totally awkward when personality types like Mark come around or when other awkward things happen during conversation. But I realize this is a problem with me, not with Mark. I know that this is life and different personality types conflict sometimes. And that's okay. No need to teach a course on it. That's not going to fix anything. Unless the 'minority group' is selfish enough to think that as long as THEY aren't offended, then everything is fine, which just about every activist 'minority group' is guilty of.

Post Edited (LifeChange) : 7/11/2008 4:29:04 PM (GMT-6)

I agree 100% with Judilyn. This  Mark needs to be made aware that his comment was inappropriate.  You cannot change his opinions but you can explain to  him what his behavioral expectations are in the work environment.

Lyn has experienced the bigotry of a person who is intolerant of opinions, lifestyles, or identities differing from his or her own. I think her opinion is appreciated by all.

Kitt

Thanks Lil sis
Yes I have
I am a Native Canadian.....
My mother was full blood Native from the Oshweken Reserve .........

I remember when I was young I was so ashamed of my heritage I would try to deny it ( couldnt as I definitely look Native lol)

All people thought back then and sad to say some still do to this day is that natives are drunkards and on the welfare system all the time instead of working and being productive
OH how lucky we are we dont have to pay taxes .......

I am no longer ashamed and I am filled with PRIDE at what my people have acheived

Thanks again Lil sis
I truly think this Mark has got to be told as I did say in my first post .......
.LOVES ......Big sis .......
LYN.

I just read a book by Dr. Forni called The Civility Solution , that deals with just such tricky situations, and how to deal with them positively, as well as other intentional and unintentional rudeness. I highly recommend it, it's philosphical, as well as practical.