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Posted 7/19/2008 4:47 PM (GMT 0)
Kitt.... thank you so much for your advice... I WILL write it down and post it on my fridge as a reminder! You are so wonderful to listen and most importantly to care! Confession is a blessing to the person who tells all, but always a burden to the soul that listens. Everyone here has such difficult lives.... I don't want to add to their burdens. You all have very broad shoulders! Everyone struggles with their own sorrows and I sometimes feel like I don't have the right to add mine to theirs. !
I often feel like I sure don't contribute to society the way I should. I've had a university/ college education... was a Reg. Nurse.... and now am on a disability , mooching off society, when I haven't contributed to it.
I am proud that my girls are so much better now. One counsellor told me it was a miracle they could function at all.... but I attribute their success to the wonderul counsellors and psychiatrists , understanding teachers , they've had along the way. I worry a lot lately about dying... and what I am leaving my children and grandchild. I have no money to leave them... I can't help them financially like most parents do... What will their inheritance be... their mother married an extremely abusive man...and they have suffered their entire childhood because of it. I worry so much about my grandaughter...and about my daughters' partner. The minute they have a fight ... I panic!!!! ..
I know this isn't normal. I thank you again for your suggestions Kitt. I will make a real effort to stop myself when I start... if I can catch it in time.
I'm sooo tired now... I'm going to go back to bed for a while ... I feel completely drained. Check with you all later. I love you HW!
Posted 7/20/2008 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Mary do I hear ya there I worry about all of that and more lately
I know I have a beautiful and empathetic daughter who is that way because she
Has seen the pain and suffering of me and others
I too am afraid of dying but I cannot keep dwelling on that or the depression hole hits big time
Lil sis has some great input as usual for you and she is a wonderful and warm loving person inside and out
Glad I can make you laugh
We need to laugh at selves and others IMHO to keep sane ....
be well and keep posting here
LYN
Posted 7/21/2008 6:11 AM (GMT 0)
Marie-Claire,
You are amazing, really, your strength helps and makes me move forward in my life. I don't have children, but I value leaders and parents and wonderful people like you. Please feel safe here. We do not judge, we care. You nurses, I don't know, we need a special medal for you.
You are NOT a moocher! neh! If you were you wouldn't care. It's a place I've been in due to A/P and a place I may be in again. It's not something we aspire to now is it? Value what you have and look forward to what you can share.
Blessings to you,
Meg
Posted 7/21/2008 2:10 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Mary,
I am glad my little tid bits help. You my dear lady are not a moocher. If you did not post and need support I would not have a purpose to get up in the morning and come here and feel worthwhile.

I had to retire early after 26 years as an RN. I missed my goal of retiring at the 28 year mark and I beat myself up bad for being a failure. I can look back now and see that I contributed for 26 good years so I did not make my goal...............I am still a winner.
I am a huge worry wart and have been accused of catastrophysizing by my Pdoc so I try the staying in the moment and handle each problem as it arises. This is not an easy thing to do and yes I do lose it at times but then I have a good cry and wash my face, and cry some more.

Mary, the world is a better place because you live and serve within it. Your legacy to your children and grandchildren will be the warm and wonderful memories you have made with them. You will leave your children your guidance, advice, and counsel that you have given them over the years. No regrets, love is worth more then material things.

I have no valuables to leave to my children other then my personal things and they can sell them on ebay.

Bless you dear friend and keep posting.
Gentle Hugs
Kitt
Posted 7/22/2008 12:56 PM (GMT 0)
How ya making out Mary I hope you are feling comfy posting here and will come back to let us kow how things are going
I read most of your posts on CD forum as well so I feel I know ya too like Lil sis
Yes she is "Lil sis " to me always will be ............
I pray you are as well as can be
LYN
Posted 7/22/2008 1:58 PM (GMT 0)
Mary,

I was really touched by your story. How dreadful for you and your girls! I'm so glad they're doing better and so wish that you had access to the same extra help that they got. Since you don't, please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed about posting here. Kitt made such a good point: coming on the forum to try to support others can be a genuine motivator a lot of times. It always feels good to be needed, and you are giving the rest of us that chance when you post.

Also, while you may not be storing up material riches for your girls, you have already given them something so valuable: the ability to develop strength of character and the knowledge that it is possible to survive and heal from life's worst. You can't really tell how much those skills may have helped them to avoid lots of other difficulties in their lives, or what use they may make of them in the future. It's what you give to them (and leave for them) on the inside that matters so much more than money or possessions.

percycat
Posted 7/22/2008 4:47 PM (GMT 0)
Good morning everyone. !Thank you so much for all your kind words. Getting over 30 odd years of abuse is very difficult. It really strips you of who you are... convinces you that you are worth nothing. Someone will say to me " just be yourself"... Well, I don't know what that is anymore.... I've lost myself somewhere along the way... I don't know what "normal " is .... literally. I've adjusted or changed myself so many times just to keep the peace or stop from being hurt, or someone else hurting my family... I've spent years restoring everyone else and now I don't know where to start to restore myself. I used to love to paint....but I haven't in years... I've lost the confidence to start again! Your words of encouragement and comfort makes me think that maybe I've may have done a little something right. I am truly Blessed when it comes to this forum... You are my "saving Grace".
I am trying very hard Kitt... to distract myself when I start going "to those dark places"... I seem to end up walking around in circles, so anxious that I don't know WHAT to do to distract myself. So this is what I have planned: I am going to set something aside... a crossword puzzle maybe... and when I start slipping... I'll just pick up the puzzle and try to concentrate ( althong concentrating is very difficult) on IT during the next "episode". Thing is I've been so anxious, and mordid lately..I may be doind puzzles all day!LOL!
Again, thank you to all of you ... I do feel very safe here... and I love you all for being so caring!
Trying very hard, Mary
Posted 7/25/2008 12:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hello - my name is Jessica and I'm from the UC forum. I'm a student studying engineering. I have been married for two years with a blue heeler dog named Penny and a Burmese cat named Hana. I have always been a high anxiety type of person but the last few years it has gotten worse. It is one of those problems that I have that I feel I should be able to fix because I know what the problem is and I know when I flip out it is irrational and I pride myself on being a rational person. But it is like I am not in control of my own body and it is really frustrating. I am trying to focus on finding ways to keep my body healthy to help my UC and finding ways to manage my anxiety and stress better which also in turn helps my UC. I had to drop out at almost the end of last semester because of my UC flaring and some other health problems which raised my anxiety to an unmanageable level. about a month before the semester ended I got to my car at the end of the day and I realized that my whole day was spent freaking out untill I got to my car and I just started crying and decided that this wasn't the way I wanted to live my life. I kept trying to control it and it was and still is controlling me. I dread having to leave my house Im not sure how I am going to manage to start school in a month. Anyway that's my situation. I feel very lucky to have a wonderful husband who is handling all my health problems very well. I feel very guilty for putting him through all this.
Posted 7/25/2008 1:21 AM (GMT 0)
Jessica, let me be the first to welcome you here at the A/P forum.... I always thought that if I posted in the CD forum , I couldn't really come "bother" anyone else. Boy ! was I wrong. ! I feel so blessed to have had the courage to come to A/P and share my anxiety issues...Hopefully, ( I'm sure you will ) you'll feel as safe and as welcome in this forum as I was. In what year of engineering would you be entering? I can't imagine myself even attempting such a course load, or subject. You are a smart, smart lady. If you don't feel up to doing a full course load... is it possible for you to go back in September part-time. That might reduce some of the anxiety and pressure. I know personnaly , how difficult it is to get through university with a chronic illness such as UC... I had crohn's disease through university and my nursing training and boy, did I have to push myself... all the time. It was always a worry and my anxiety was always sky high too! It is draining!
Are you taking anything for your anxiety? Is there a possibilty of you seeing your PCP before starting school again and asking for something to get you through emergencies, or for something that would manage your anxiety overall. ? What are you taking for your UC and is it working? It sounds like it might not be controlled as well as it should be.... and that IS NOT your fault. You have a disease that has a mind of its own. You are not responsible for being sick. I am glad that you have a supportive husband. God bless those family members or friends who stick by us through thick and thin.
I know that this forum will be very helpful to you as it has been to me.HW is my safe-haven... I can spill the beans here and not feel that I will be judged.
I'm glad you found this forum and hope you come often... Our wonderful moderators and other members know what they are talking about... You can't know what someone is going through unless you've walked a mile in their shoes.... well, people at HW have walked a mile in shoes very similare to ours... so they are a great resource and even greater comfort!
Hope things improve for you soon dear one.
Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers
Let us know how you are doing.... tired old Mary
Posted 7/25/2008 4:06 PM (GMT 0)
Jessica,

Guilt is one of anxiety's favorite teammates. I know it's hard to feel that you're making a loved one's life tougher, but remember that this is his choice and his way of showing that he loves you. Trying to control how our anxiety issues affect the people we love is just another brick in that "lac of control" wall that we get boxed in by. You didn't ask for anxiety, you didn't ask for it to happen when and how it did, and you're doing your best to face it and take your life back. That's nothing to feel guilty about, so when guilt comes knocking, tell it you're "not interested" and send it packing.

Regarding your upcoming semester, try not to look at it as all one big, scary hurdle to face. Instead, see if during these next few weeks you can begin practicing a few small techniques that you find help you to keep functioning through your anxiety. At least, that's what my therapist recommends. For instance, I'm not great at bringing deep breathing to bear in the middle of a panic attack, so she encourages me to practice it when I'm not having an attack. When I've remembered to practice (sigh!), it does help. Are you seeing a counselor or do you have some techniques that have helped you in the past?

percycat
Posted 7/25/2008 6:36 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the welcome. I will be a junior next year. I keep having symptoms even with the prednisone so I start remicade in a week and a half assuming my insurance will cover it or most of it. I have me TB test on Monday and I am kindof excited about it. I hope the remicade works and I can forget that I have UC. My doctor says there is only a 60% chance of it working though. My normal doctor just gave me clonazepam for the anxiety and she told me to take it before class and before I have to leave the house so I don't flip out. I tried to take one yesterday and I don't think I should drive on it. Maybe my body will get more used to it. I tend to be really sensitive to drugs and part of me is scared to take it because I keep thinking of old actresses from the thirtys and forties that were addicted to pain pills and anxiety pills. I don't know why I keep getting that image in my head. My doctor made me an appointment with a counselor but I can't get in until the end of September so she said that we will just work with the clonazepam until then. I am going to goggle some stress relief techniques and see if that helps. Part of me thinks that if I could just fix all my health problems my anxiety would go way down. I know it would at least help.
Posted 7/25/2008 11:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi I'm Dee. I'm a mom of 3 boys. My panic attacks were dignosed last year after the death of my brother. I had a fairly rough childhood and an abusive marriage so I guess thats where the PTSD came from. I think last year just sent me into a tail spin. I was always pretty carefree but about 6yrs ago I started to worry about everything and it just escalated from there. I've spent so much $$ on ER and Dr visits with these panic attacks. I was carted out on a stretcher at my office (so embarrassed). I'm starting to feel better and with meds, talk therapy and LOT OF PRAYER I feel I'm turning a corner with accepting this condition. I also suffer from UC and fibromyalgia. I'm glad I found this fourm.
Posted 7/26/2008 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
A warm welcome to all from the family here at Healing Well's anxiety and panic forum
I am so glad that you feel comfy coming here to post
All are welcome here
We have many Uc'ers and Crohnies as well on here
Anxiety knows no bounds and has no preferences IMHO
Great input Percycat
Take care all and keep posting
LYN
Posted 7/27/2008 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome everyone, if you hang out here you get stuck with my many hugs as I am always willing to support each of you and send you warm hugs to let you know you are cared for.
Welcome to the family of A & P
Hugs
Kitt
Posted 7/27/2008 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
hi,

im 21 years old (female) and i've been having a lot of problems recently. i have trouble with hypoglycemia and my pancreas, so i take enzymes with food to help digest. i also take magnesium supplements because i was having serious chest pain and i went to the ER and they did basic tests and determined i wasn't having a heart attack, but yeah, im still obsessively worried.

for a while, taking the magnesium supplement regularly, made my chest pain go away completely, along with flutters and racing heart beat. it came back after one night that i drank (drinking can release magnesium stores), and when i don't take it for a few days. lately though i've had an enormously foggy head. it's really hard to stay focused and concentrate, and i can barely remember things in the short term. i think i've had low blood pressure (i'm about to start my monthly cycle, so i might be related to that?), because when i stand i feel kind of faint, and then when i stand for a while i get that weird thing in your head/ears where you can hear yourself breathing. if i sit down or lower my head more level with my chest it goes away.

anyway, i have started becoming really paranoid that it's a blood flow thing. because of the real foggy thinking, and the low blood pressure, and i have had some chest pains again just recently (i havent taken the magnesium for about a week). i start reading things and i start thinking i have something terrible. i have a doctors appointment on tuesday but the office is closed today and tomorrow so i can't even just go in to talk about it.

i've been getting some anxiety. i read some people here having the tingling head/legs. i get that sometimes too. my hands get sweaty, but i think that's related to my low blood sugar. it's hard to discern between the two because it feels really similar. and also, it feels like im having a panic attack when my blood sugar gets low, because of the adrenaline released. but then sometimes it seems to be unrelated.

well, hello.

Post Edited (stained_glass_eyes) : 7/27/2008 6:02:07 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/28/2008 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,

My name is Donna and I am 49 years old. My anxiety/panic started in 2004. On my job that was fairly stressful, but I was good at it and I really enjoyed my work. One day while I was at work, I suddenly felt, well, PANIC....lol.....I had no idea what was happening to me. It went on and on and I could barely stay at my desk but I somehow got through the day. I went home and tried to shake it off, blaming it on excessive caffeine, maybe I was getting the flu.....just went to bed early that night and tried to forget about it.

But the next morning...I found that I was still so very anxious...scared to go to a job that I had been so relaxed at for the past 5 years.....I had another horrible day at work again. So...(and here is where I messed up BIG TIME)...I quit. My manager called me at home want to know what POSSIBLY could have made me done this. I had every opportunity to be honest with her and I didnt do it. I was so ashamed.

But I thought leaving the job would be the end of it. But oh no. The panic started happening at the grocery store, at the bank, at ANY social gathering.....I went to my family Doctor and was prescribed Lexapro...I gave that six weeks and felt like I was coming out of my skin. It was even worse than before, so he took me off of that and wanted me to see a Psychiatrist.

Now, I am in no way opposed to seeing a Psychiatrist, and think I will need to see one this time, but at that time I just decided I wanted to get well on my own. I started reading everything I could read about anxiety disorders. I changed my diet, exercised, did visualization, took supplements....and prayed alot. I took little baby steps in getting my life back, reentering little situations and proving to myself that YES, I could do that. If I couldnt do it, I would not beat myself up, just try it again later. One of my books called it...."practice...not TEST" and for some reason that made a difference for me. It was slow but it WORKED. By this time last summer, I could do everything that I used to do. I am not saying I did these things with TOTAL relaxation, but I could do them.

Until June of this year, when out of nowhere I had a panic attack in a restaurant...one that I go to quite often....we have our "girls night" there every friday night....it was so out of control and I wanted to flee but honestly didnt think my legs felt strong enough to even get me out of there. I suffered through it and went home and cried the remainder of the night.

Its all back. Every last bit of it. As if I didnt even make any progress whatsoever.

It feels good being here. I want to reread all of these stories so I can start getting to know everyone. Thanks so much for the warm welcome. I know noone that suffers with this. I have told a few friends, and while they do try to understand....I see their confusion......"what....so you cant eat at restaurants anymore??? HUH???? LOL....but in a sad way.......
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