Spooked by face from past

 

All,

While driving home tonight, I passed a guy I used to date, who had treated me very badly.  We broke up several years ago, but he tried to keep the lines of interest open for a while after that.  When I repeatedly refused to get reinvolved, he threatened blackmail.  (I was his superior when we began our relationship.)  I was shocked at his insane approach to rekindling a romance, immediately got professional support, and broke off all contact.  The entire relationship had been horrifically dysfunctional, but fool that I was, I made excuses, wanting to believe in the false persona he projected rather than the monster that popped out more and more often.

He has a relative living just a block from me, so I guess I'm lucky I haven't crossed paths before this.  Just seeing him has shaken me with fear and stirred up all kinds of imaginings that I'm too superstitiously spooked to want to list.

Help me get back to living in the moment, please!  And pray for me to overcome this!

percycat

 

Percycat,

I know how running into someone who used to be an important person in your life can trigger anxiety but take that deep breath and remember it is in the past.

It is over and let go of it.  If you run into this toxic person remember he cannot hurt you it is only the old feelings surfacing so stay in the moment.  Let the thought into your head and then let it pass through and continue on with staying in the moment. You can do this.

I know that going over and over something in my mind after it's happened doesn't do any good. It just makes it worse. I can actually inflate an event after the fact and then it causes me more anxiety than the actual event did.

I have been practicing letting go of the scary thoughts when they happen and most of the time it works, but I know there will always be moments when you caught off guard.

Take care my friend.
Hugs

Kitt

jus try n stay strong n no matter wht happens dnt let him kno if he affects u.

Percy,

Please don't let him re-open those old fears and wounds, especially not shame, you should not feel shame. He should. Do not let him have power over you again, Having said that I recently had a very unpleasant blast from the past with an ex, and I couldn't believe how quickly I fell back into old patterns and thoughts, guilt, love, etc with him. He was/is a master manipulator and he almost had me running back with apologies. Sheesh!

I am so glad you have gotten in to see your therapist, I hope she can help you come back to the here and know and not sink back into any negative places. You deserve so much better than that. Know that your HW family is rallying around you okay. We love you.

(((((((hugs)))))))

Meg

Percycat... I sooo understand your fears. We had to scoot 12 years ago... and for the longest time , I couln't answer the phone... the girls couldn't leave the house... we were all panic stricken for soo long. With all of us suffering from PTSD, all it takes is some little trigger, can be a smell, taste, someone's tone of voice, the way someone walks etc... and it all comes flooding back along with all the fear and panic. Over the years we've learned to "get through " the 20 minutes, half an hour it takes for our brains to realize that we are not in the same situation anymore... our panick attacks wax and wane... we've learned to live with it and for the most part all 3 of us are doing really well.
I blamed myself for marrying an abusive man ... for years . I felt that I'd grown up with an abusive father... how could I not have recognized the signs. ? My councellor finally said to me.. Mary, you didn't go out looking for someone who would abuse you and sexually abuse your children. These men are manipulative and can spot a potential "victim' from miles away. As women we are taught to look for the best in people so we don't automatically assume someone is going to be abusive towards us... we trust that most people are good and kind . The trick is to forgive ourselves but really there is nothing to forgive... we were duped! If anything we need to be kinder to ourselves, understand that our insecurities led us to accept certain behaviors which might have tipped off a more confident woman.. We need to tell ourselves that we didn't deserve that abuse, that we deserve respect and everything that goes with it. Then and especially NOW. My councellor , psychiatrist told me that trying to second guess myself or blame myself was wasting valuable energy that I should be using to heal and help heal my children. I think seeing your councellor right away was brilliant. It shows how much you've grown... shows that you're not in the same 'place' emotionally that you were when this person was in your life. It shows that you are not willing to accept any "c...p" from this man.
If it makes you feel any safer... you can buy personal alarms that you carry in your purse or pocket. They are tiny little things but boy do they make an awful loud, piercing noise that will attract everybody and their dog within miles. We carried them before we moved away. It did help knowing that someone could come right away, and second that it would probably scare him half to death. If he were to approach you , he sure wouldn't be expecting a painful earful and it would let him know that you mean business when you say "leave me alone... if it ever comes to that( you yell it at him and you bare your teeth... he isn't expecting aggressive, he is expecting nice and submissive like the person you USED to be). But like you say .. .he has probably moved on to someone else at this point.
Hoping you are feeling strong.. Get mad.! How dare he disturb your peace of mind !
I am keeping you in my prayers dear one... and by the way... don't blame yourself anymore! Do you hear me. You have grown and learned from this and that is what life is all about. Your strength for getting through this will help someone else sometime in your life... you can bet on it!
Love and prayers
Mary

Percycat,

Compassion is a great way to get over past hurts, but don't beat yourself up if you don't get it done in one day! There is a lot to process, you can have compassion, doesn't mean that the way he treated you was okay and all should be forgiven. Be compassionate with you Hugs honey. You are doing amazing.

Marie,

Thanks so much for sharing that story, you are such an inspirational woman. We don't choose to be abused, but we can certainly attract abusers with low self esteem, or patterns of the past. You are a tough one now! Hugs.

Meg