I'm asking for a support group for this eating disorder!

 

   Okay everyone.  I am taking a step right now and I am going to bear my soul and ask for the support of all of you to help me.  I need a good support team that I can be honest with and that will be honest with me. 

   So, I have struggled with anorexia on and off for about eight years now.  I am now at my lowest weight of     since I had my son.  I am very stubborn when it comes to eating and stuff concerning this.  I am supposed to see a specialist and that makes me extremely nervous.  I am just so scared of gaining weight.  I am so scared of going to the specialist and having him tell me that I am not skinny enough to be anorexic.  Even though I know that I have a problem I still deny it alot.  Its almost like this anorexia has a mind of it's own.  Sometimes it completely controls me and other times it stews on the back burner.  But I know that if I want to raise a healthy son I have to stop this.  I have to do it for me too.  I want so badly to be happy with myself.  To love myself for the first time in my life.  I have never loved myself and I have a very hard time believing anyone else loves me.  Even God.  But I know this is not true.  I know this may be confusing, but this disorder confuses me. 

   Anyway, I am asking for yall to help me and support me as I try to get better.  I know it's going to be a long hard road to recovery.  I know that I may fall off the wagon somedays.  But that's what I need help with.  Advice and support to help me get back on that wagon and finish the journey to my recovery.  So thanks for listening.  And it is still really hard for me to talk about this.  Its such an open wound.  When I talk about it, it's like pouring salt into it.  But I know that salt helps to heal wounds! :)  Thanks everyone!

                Rachel

Rachel you have my support, but no one here has professional experience with anorexia and you cannot use this site to replace going to get help

Anorexia is a very serious illness and needs to be treated by a professional.
I can give you my opinion, support and suggestions but I can't help you understand your illness.

I would like to ask you this though, why do you want to be skinny (not thin cause 100 lbs is skinny)? Are you afraid people will not love you if you're a normal weight?

I come and go from this forum, but saw your thread and wanted to reply. I think it's great that you are here and asking for support. Being an anorexic myself...I would say former, but you're never exactly out of the woods, I'm a little uncomfortable about posting weights. I know it may help you to explain things better, but as an anorexic I know what it's like to compare myself with other anorexics and stuff like that. Obviously this is a thread for you so I don't want to tell you what to do...just remember others may read this and weights could be triggering for some.

As for your goal weight. Be honest...do you really think you'll be happy at that weight? I know from experience that once you get there and your anorexia is still in control you'll find something else about your body to be unhappy about and change your goal. It's a cycle that most people go through all the time. A number on the scale isn't going to make you feel any better about yourself. Until you start to heal nothing will be good enough. Do you know what I mean?

*hugs*

Hi, I too am struggling with an eating disorder.  It is very very hard and does take professional help to get better.  I had to stop going to therapy because I am now broke and can't afford it anymore, and boy can I tell the difference.  I was doing so much better when I was in therapy.  I want to go back but I can't right now.  I will be part of you support team, I know how hard the struggle is everyday.  BTW I have binge eating disorder and anorexia.

-Gabbs

Hi Rachel,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You kinda remind of myself in a way.

It's especially hard to talk about personal things especially if you are confused by your behavior yourself. I've been struggling with anorexia/bulimia for a while now and I sometimes deny it. When you get sucked into the world of eating disorders, it's very hard to break free. The best I can tell you is to really believe in yourself to get better and kind your son in mind. It will be a long recovery, but you must let your doctor know how you've been feeling and eating. The only way you can beat this is to receive and accept help from others. You can't do this alone-that's also why you've come here! Remember that we all support you and no one on these forums is going to judge you or tell you you're wrong. I wish you all the best!

Rachel,

How old is your son? Do you think being pregnant was a trigger? There is so much emphasis on weight when you are pregnant and how big you are getting, etc. It sounds like you are thin now even though you took out your weight. Were you obsessed with losing the baby weight? I am really glad you are seeking professional help. I am just wondering if you recognize what triggered you then you might be able to exercise more control over it.

And now for the big news. My therapist told me today that she thought I should go into a four week treatment center in Arizona. I cried about leaving my son. I am so scared about that. I still haven't decided to go or not but my husband is very supportive and said that if we can afford it he would let me go. So that's a releif because I thought he would nix it first thing. But four weeks? Can I do that? Can I leave my son and husband and home for that long? I cried just thinking about leaving my son. I know that if I want to get better I need to do this. And part of me really wants to. But part of me says stay here and deal with it. But I have dealt with it and nothing else seems to work for me. I just dont know what to do. The treatment center is called Bramuda Ranch. Has anyone heard of it? I am so anxious just thinking about it. It really scares me to know I'd be away from everyone I love for a whole month. So thats the big news. Any input is needed! Thanks for listentnig.
Rachel

Well I am so glad you have a therapist that is taking you seriously and trying to help!! I bet in-treatment is the best way to get the help you need!

Rachel,

Grab this opportunity for treatment with both hands.  I am on your support team, you know that goes without saying! You cannot ignore an eating disorder..it will take over your life. Four weeks is not that long if it saves you and let's your son grow up to know a healthy mom.

Bless you

Meg

Rachel-

I read another one of your replies. I'm also 20 yrs old.

Think of it this way-I'm sure it'll be extremley hard and maybe emotionally painful to leave your husband and son for four weeks, but years from now don't you want to look back on the experience and say to yourself "I'm so glad I went through with that." Four weeks may seem like a long time, but it'll be well worth it. If you are able to do so, I would say go for it. Continue talking with your therapist about thoughts and feelings. I love my therapist! I don't know what I would do without her!

You CAN do this! You have tons of love and support. You owe it to yourself to get better!

Rachel,

I agree with everyone here, this is your opportunity to get better. Do it for you and your family. Four weeks goes by so fast. I am sure that in the long run, this is the answer to all of your problems.

Best wishes,

Luv and hugs, Karen

Ok. Here is the cold hard truth. If you don't get help you will NOT be there for your son. You may be physically there (if you are not admitted via emergency some night) but you will not be a good roll model, he will no something is wrong, you will be exhausted, mentally unstable, and could end up being an unfit mother. That is only if you refuse treatment and the eating disorder takes over your life or worse, kills you. So if it is hard to think about being away from your son for 4 weeks, imagine how hard it would be for a lifetime. You ARE being there for your son by getting the treatment. You are being a responsible mother for getting healthy. Do they have visiting hours? Could you see him occassionaly? You can always check in via phone and letters and maybe even email or video chat. You would not be selfish doing this for you, you would be doing it for your family. I am sure it breaks your husbands heart to see you suffer with this eating disorder. Soon your sons too. Get treatment for THEM so they don't have to suffer anymore.

Remember the line from an old Nickelodean cartoon - "if you never go away, how can I miss you?" Your family will love you and miss you but in a good way. And then it will be SO much better when you get home. 4 weeks of pain vs. a lifetime of suffering.

I'm sorry if I am being harsh but that is the reality. I used to work with social services and corrections. I have seen first hand what this can do to families. Also, if you get more ill you could start imparting your eating disorder on your son. Trying to keep him skinny, thinking he is fat. Please don't let yourself get to that point. Do the treatment asap! You would be home by Christmas and maybe even thanksgiving! So you miss one halloween?

My dad missed a halloween of mine because of a bowel obstruction and in patient surgery. Would you have advised him to take me trick or treating and die of sepsis? Anorexia is just as much of a disease as one you can see on a cat scan. I had a blast that halloween with my mom and grandma. It was extra special. You CAN do this. Stop letting the disease make excuses for you and commit to going NO MATTER WHAT!

Glad you appreciated it Rachel and I am always here to listen and help.