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New pregnancy... possible abortion

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Posted 8/15/2008 1:20 AM (GMT 0)
cry  yesterday was such a happy day... my daughter found out she was pregnant for the second time and was sooo thrilled.... and so was I ... and her sister. We all rejoiced in this new little soul that was being sent to her( us).

Today... she calls me all  upselt and crying. Her husband doesn't want the baby because he says they can't afford it... (this is the same man who says he wants 4 kids)... He wants her to have an abortion. My daughter has always said that she would never, never have an abortion... it just goes against everything she believes. But now she is considering it because she loves him so much... and he is influencing sooo much. I am soo afraid that she will go ahead with this , : this is one of my daughters that has been through sooo much in her childhood. (for those of you who know our history)... Her little daughter who is 8 months old now makes her so happy... and I know if she goes ahead with his wishes she will never be the same again.... I'm really worried about her and what this will do tho HER soul!. I'm hoping that her maternal instincts and upbringing kick in. I don't know if I should have a talk with just him .... I don't know what to do.Someone has to speak up, for this unborn child. I've been crying all afternoon and my CD is acting up... migraine big time. I am soooo upset and worried. what would you do if this were your daughter and grandchild? cry

Posted 8/15/2008 1:40 AM (GMT 0)

Oh Mary (((((((hugs)))))))

I had a nasty feeling this might happen. I knew her husband was stressed out. All you can do in this situation is guide her to make the right decision for her..from the heart. Remind her that she cannot live her life for anyone but herself. Even the man she loves. This is such a big issue. I pray she makes the decision that is best for her. People can cope with unexpected little ones..they just have to make a few sacrifices. Mary, I wouldn't keep my mouth shut on this one (that is my honest opinion)

Again, hugs, know we love and support you

Meg

Posted 8/15/2008 4:14 AM (GMT 0)
You're right sweet Meg... I'm not going to keep my mouth shut on this one... someone has to speak on behalf of this little soul who is helpless and can't speak for himself/herself. I'm not sure... but I think I may write my daughter a letter and her hubby a letter as well. I don't care if they are upset with me. This little soul deserves a chance and if grandma has to be its advocate well so be it. I'm hoping my daughter will listen to her heart. I know she knows and feels that this isn't right... but ...
Keep her in you prayers ok.... We need all the prayers we can get.
Thank you sweet one for your support and caring....
Mary
Posted 8/15/2008 10:24 AM (GMT 0)

Mary

Good Morning and I am sorry this has happened  I agree with Meg, support your daughter and remind her it is her body and her child, do not let anyone else tell her to go against her believes and principals. 

She wants this baby and being persuaded by her husband to get an abortion is not fair or just to her.

You have my prayers.

Kitt

Posted 8/15/2008 2:16 PM (GMT 0)
Mary,

I've not been in your daughter's situation exactly, but I have in the past given in on some very important principles in order to please my partner. I've regretted it every time, and still blame myself for denying my own truth because doing so changed me as a person permanently.

Even though sticking to her beliefs may cause a lot of tension between your daughter and her hubby, it's better than the constant guilt after of having made a choice that was untrue to *herself*.

Love and hugs to you and your daughter,
percycat
Posted 8/15/2008 2:32 PM (GMT 0)
Mary,
Hey there. This is such a hard one for you. I think that your daughter knows whats right and will not go through with an abortion. She really needs to take it easy and not stress right now. I miscarried because of stress last October. I would definately not keep my mouth shut. Your daughter was happy and so she knows what she wants. Talk to her husband. There is finacial help out there that they can get and not having money is no exuse to not have a baby. I am on your side completely. I will keep yall in my prayers. He will never put more on us than we can bear. Maybe point that out to your son in law. I am sending many many hugs to you and your daughter!! Let us know how things are going honey. Love and MANY HUGS to you!!
Rachel
Posted 8/15/2008 2:42 PM (GMT 0)
I rarely post here anymore, but reading your post, I had to reply. Somehow they WILL manage. They can be wise about spending money and change their lifestyle abit. Part of what we do when kids come along is to give certain things up.

It sounds like he's just freaked out by having another child (maybe so quickly after the first child) so maybe he just needs time to let it sink in. I really hope he doesn't mean what he has said about abortion. THAT will cause alot of pain, regret and resentment, and it will add problems to their marriage in the future, let alone the emotional state your daughter will be in.

If anything, they should seek marriage counselling immediately before making any decision.
Posted 8/15/2008 2:47 PM (GMT 0)
I agree that if you daughter is being pressured by her husband you should step in. But, you should make sure that she isn't saying its her husband's idea just to feel less guilty or less shamed by her family. Whle personally I don't think I would ever have an abortion I have SUCH mixed feelings on the subject. There are so many unwanted babies out there. There are so many families that didn't want another child and then treat the child like crap and always resent it. That is no life for a child. And all those poor kids in group homes just waiting for a family to call their own. Pathetic. So unfortunatly, I feel that the option to have the choice to have an abortion is a societal necessity. Without it, we are back to the days of jumping down stairs and using a coat hanger. But what I do find unfair is that the mother has sole choice in this decision. Yes it is their body but shouldn't men have some rights too? What if the father really really wants this child but the mother just does not want to be pregnant or to give birth. Tragedy. The father should have the option of stopping the abortion and keeping the child. But if we are going to give the mother the unilateral right to say I don't want to be a parent, shouldn't the dad have the option of backing out too? Kids are very expenisve and time consuming. Since you said they already have a little one then I guess they have already made the sacrifices and sacrificing for a second wouldn't be so hard. But shouldn't daddy have some say in the matter? I guess in an ideal world both parents would agree to go through with the pregnancy or both parents would agree to abort. I really don't know what the solution is when they don't agree. But what would our advice be if mom didn't want the baby and dad did? Or if both didn't? I think it is a great time to have a big, long, heart to heart with both of them. If you know your daughter really wants this baby then support that decision but think about what it will do to her family, her marriage, and the stability of the future childs home and life if dad really truly does not want this kid to be born.
Posted 8/15/2008 4:47 PM (GMT 0)
I believe you need to sit down with them both and talk to them. No letters, but talk to them both. My two oldest girls are 18 mos apart. We were barely making it with the one, but never even thought of any other option but to have baby #2. I believe where there is a will, there is a way. You just have to juggle a little more, but it is possible. If he did not want anymore kids at this time, he should have done something to prevent the possibility of another pregnancy. But now that she is pregnant they need to deal with the situation. I pray that they choose to do what is right for them and this little one. And I will keep you in my prayers too G'ma.
Posted 8/16/2008 1:45 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Mary,

Just letting you know I am thinking of you, your daughter and your good self are in my prayers and I will continue to worry about you. Know we will support whatever decision you make. Just be sure you don't have any regrets IMHO you have to say your piece, and then make peace with what happens.

Love and gentle hugs,

Meg

Posted 8/16/2008 3:17 AM (GMT 0)
Hi meg... and everyone.
I gave this so much thought and prayer... spent nights crying over it all... but in the end decided that some tough love was needed here. Someone had to speak on behalf of this unborn soul and also , I had to do what I thought was best for my daughter , whom I believe, would never be the same if she went ahead with this.
Soooo.... I sent them a video of what a real abortion looks like (and feels like for the baby) . I thought , at least they will make an informed decision and know the reality of the situation. I also told my daughter that I thought she knows deep down how wrong this is... told her "hubby" that if he loved her at all , he would not be asking this of her. and that I would never get over it.... I will love my daughter forever and told her so, but part of me will die with this infant... and my respect for them both as well. I also called his parents as I knew he hadn't told them...I felt that this baby was part of them as well and they should be at least aware of what was happening. I thought if they insist on going through with this ... I certainly won't make it easier for them. His mom was really, really thankful I had called. I know that my daughter and her partner are furious with me for sending them this video but at this point I don't care if they are angry.
I may never see my grandaughter again over this but at least I know I will have done everything I could have. If they forbid me from seeing my Katalina my heart will break.
Keep us all in you prayers ok... thank you so much all of you... sweet meg for letting me vent. My CD and anxiety attacks have been non -stop...and I am crying constantly . My heart is so sad.
Posted 8/16/2008 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
Oh, Mary, I don't know what to say to help you through this, but I am sending tons of hugs, love, and prayers your way, and prayers for your daughter and her husband too.

percycat
Posted 8/16/2008 3:34 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Mary,

I sympathize with your plight, however, I feel for the forum this discussion  over whether or not your daughter  should  have an abortion may trigger other members.  I am going to ask that you accept our support and please seek the help of your therapist in dealing with this topic.

I feel we may be pushing Rule 10. No posts of an overtly political or religious nature OR posts promoting advocacy of particular personal, medical, legal, religious, political, or non-profit causes. 

I truly hope you understand my reason for this  request.

Thank you so much

Kitt

Posted 8/16/2008 12:23 PM (GMT 0)
Mary
YOU and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers
I havent been around too much but there is a reason for that
Will keep you in my heart

Luvs
LYN
Posted 8/17/2008 12:19 AM (GMT 0)

 I really am proud of the support you have been given

I ask only that this not

be made into ppl's choices and arguments or political  reasons for non abortion as then it would not be according to the rules

**I AM NOT saying anyone has broken a rule at all nono
I am just asking that we keep this as a support and caring thread

to help sweet Mary and her daughter in this time

YOU all are the best and I thank you for your understanding...........

God Bless

Thoughts and prayers are with you

Luvs

LYN

Posted 8/17/2008 12:52 AM (GMT 0)
don't know what to say because I don't want to break any rules, but I just wanted to offer you support. I'm not going to go into my opinions on the subject. you did what you felt was right and hopefully no matter what decision is made you will feel somewhat better knowing you did what you could. will be thinking of you and your family. *hugs*
Posted 8/17/2008 12:53 AM (GMT 0)
Im Sorry everyone.. you're right and I will stop with this discussion right now. I apologize to all moderators and members and to Peter for breaking the rules.... I thank you all for your support and caring... and again apologize profusely.
Mary
Posted 8/17/2008 1:02 AM (GMT 0)
don't apologize for posting. you were looking for support and that's what we're here for. this can be a subject that can get very heated and I think everyone's done a good job about not letting it get heated.
Posted 8/17/2008 2:22 AM (GMT 0)

Mary, please don't apologise or feel guilt, you are suffering enough already honey. All that our lovely smart mods (thanks kitt, lyn :-) ) are saying is that we should not be turning this into a anti or pro discussion but keep it as a supportive place for you to be. In my replies I only asked that you speak your mind and help your daughter make the decision that is right for her.

I am someone who should know better redface

I did not advise for or against the abortion I just asked you not to stay quiet about your feelings as a mother and grandmother if it was going to cause you distress and regret. It is me who should be apologising for not making that clearer. I apologise to one and all. Kitt is right, this is a place for support, not strong opinion.

Mary my thoughts are still with you. The decision is out of your hands but you did what YOU needed to do to make peace with yourself.

Meg

Posted 8/18/2008 1:11 AM (GMT 0)

Hello all my wonderful friends.........and dear Mary,

We are here to support you and to offer you our love.  We understand your distress and anxiety so please do not feel you need to apologize. 

Hugs

Kitt

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