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I am so scared and sad

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Posted 8/20/2008 4:18 AM (GMT 0)
cry  Well, I am just really so sad right now.  My son is in the living room singing to a cartoon and I swear it's the sweetest little thing I've ever heard.  It breaks my heart because I know that until I get better I cant really be the best momma to him.  He is such a beautiful little boy.  He is funny and loving and just so wonderful.  I want to get better for him.  Him and my husband.  Me too but they are my reason for living at all. 

   I just posted this on my other thread but I am just so worried about Jonathan.  We still haven't heard back from his MRI yet and I am starting to freak out.  I love him so much I dont think I could live without him.  I dont want him to hurt and I dont want him to die.  He is such a good husband to me.  He really loves me for me and treats me like I'm a godess.  I just love him so much and I find myself pushing him away.  I dont know why I do it.  I just dont want to hurt him and I dont want to be hurt.  I just love him so much.  I have to stop pushing the people that love me away.  I honestly dont know why I do that.  But I have to stop.

  And I guess I'm going to go back on my Paxil.  I'm still having some side affects from stopping it and I think I really just need to go back on it.  I feel so stupid for just stopping it like that.  I still haven't had a panic attack or anything but I at least need to keep taking it until my doctor can taper me off of it.  I'm sorry for scaring all of you.  I really didn't mean to do that.  I am discovering that I am breaking, I am breaking and learning that I am going to have to make up my mind to get better and do it 100%.  I really want to live my life instead of letting other things control me.  So, anyway, thanks to all of you for sticking with me and supporting me.  And caring about me even when I didn't care about myself.  I am really going to try now.  I have to do this.  I will do this.  I will be okay,  I will get better.

   Rachel

Posted 8/20/2008 4:29 AM (GMT 0)

yeah   yeah yeah Rachel! This is such wonderful news that you have decided to commit to getting bettter and you are taking the meds. I am so happy for you. I just KNEW you could do it sweetie. One day you will be able to look back on these hard times and think "oh my goodness how amazing am I to get through that?"

sad  This is my sad about your husbands MRI. It must be stressing you out terribly, try to focus on the here and now and the positive. No "what if's" okay?

You are already being the best mother that you can be. Focus on getting yourself better and all the rest will follow. I hope that husband keeps treating you like a goddess, because you don't deserve anything less.

Now join in my happy dance Rachel, it's just for you,

yeah   yeah

Love,

Meg (twin)

Posted 8/20/2008 4:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hey, Rachel, I just posted to your other thread.

Good for you for going back on the Paxil. When I went off mine once without any of the other side effects I'd always get otherwise - I honestly thought I was doing really well since I didn't get them - all of a sudden, my anxiety skyrocketed. It was awful, awful, awful. And my health anxiety was positively desperate - I didn't think I could even move from my bed without going outright crazy and screaming to be committed for life.

As far as the long-term meds go, Paxil seems to be a pretty decent one. Having it in your system may help you feel a little more stable while you think about the steps that come next in taking care of yours and Jonathan's health. And remember, even with the health anxiety, it's only one step at a time. Just hang on and know that you are both getting closer to answers every day, and that as you congratulate yourself for that, your beating the anxiety with baby steps.

Love again,
percycat
Posted 8/20/2008 10:06 AM (GMT 0)

Good Morning.........well it is now 5:00 AM..........the time is flying by........ shocked

I posted to your other thread too.  I am glad your going on your med and please do not feel guilty about using the med.  You will be able to try coming off you med again and next time please let your physician guide you so you may avoid a lot of the bumps along the road.

Take care and have a positive day.

Hugs
Kitt

Posted 8/20/2008 5:03 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Kitt,
I will definately not do that again! I dont know what wild hair came into me! Thanks for being there even when your stressed. It means so much to know you and everyone here cares so much. I am going to kick the guilt to the curb because I know that I am forgiven. I just had to forgive myself.

Percycat,
I will definately wait this out. I have had some wierd side effects or withdrawl. Not good. If I'm going to beat this then I need to start doing what's right. Thanks for standing by me!

Meg my twin!
Thanks for the dance. I am dancing too today! Your such a good friend and listener. THanks for being there for me. And being proud of me when I cant feel proud of myself! And I'm sure Jonathan will be fine. I just had a moment last night after that movie. I didn't think it was supposed to be sad. I thought it was a comedy. I'll make sure next movie night is a comedy!

I am so optimistic today. I am me, and I can do this. I can look at my beautiful son and husband and just know that all is going to be okay. They love me for me and so do all of you here. I count that as a huge blessing. Thanks for being there for me yall!!
Love RAchel
Posted 8/20/2008 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
I have something that I feel you could really find helpful right now. It has helped me through so many hard times. I hope it helps you like it has helped me.

WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

This is God. Today as with everyday I will handle all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle. Do not attempt to handle it. Kindly put it in the S.F.J.T.D. box(something for Jesus to do). It will be addressed in my time, not yours.Please be patient. Once the matter is placed in the box, do not hold onto it. Do not become impatient and take it back out to see if you can find a solution. If a situation that you think you can't handle arrises. Please consult me in prayer. Together we will find the proper resolution. If you do not recieve what you anticipate as a proper response from me remember, some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Because I do not sleep, there is no need to lose sleep. Rest my child. If you need me, Iam only a prayer away.

You and yours are in my prayers.
Posted 8/20/2008 5:44 PM (GMT 0)

Rachel

I am thankful for every day I can make a difference in the lives of others.

I hope I was able to do that for you today.

Don't stop believing........................you are a winner.

Hugs
Kitt

Posted 8/20/2008 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Kitt,
You have made a huge difference in my life. You have given me support and advice in the times I thought I wouldn't make it and felt like giving up. You are strong even through your very hard times. You have motivated and inspired me and I think I am finally getting on the right track here. I am slowly but surely finding my way. And I know that I couldn't have done it without you and the others on HW and my loving family. Seeing your strength and faith is an everyday blessing for me. and just know that if you were to have a weak moment or a thousand it wouldn't change the way I feel about you. You know it's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry and it's okay to be on the needy side. Dont put yourself last in this world. We all love and appriciate you and we will all understand if you want or need to take a brake for yourself. You really do deserve it. I know that blessings are on their way for you. Miracles too!! Love ya Kitt!
Rachel
Posted 8/22/2008 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
May you continue to take care of yourself and your family you are in my prayers (Spin)
Posted 8/22/2008 8:40 PM (GMT 0)

Rachel,

Thank you for the kind words................Megs twin huh?  Yup I can see the resemblance. turn

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 8/23/2008 2:13 AM (GMT 0)

Rachel,

I'm still doing a little boogie for you yeah see?

Keep up the brave work sweetie, I am so proud of you!

Love,

Meg,

Posted 8/24/2008 7:18 PM (GMT 0)

Rachel,

Hope you are ok and please post as we are here for you.  We do support and care for you  my sweet young lady.

Hugs
Kitt

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