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Posted 9/19/2008 2:44 PM (GMT 0)
I have posted an introduction about myself on this site,so won't bore you all with more of the same.I have suffered with chronic depression for decades,and it's different each time.At the moment I have a really nasty combination of depression.severe anxiety,and OCD.I'm on lots of meds(Citalopram 60mg,Mirtazapine 45mg,Trazodone 150mg,and a reducing regime of Diazepam(30mg a day at the moment)).You would think all these meds would knock me flat out,but no such luck---still waking early,OCD rituals still going strong,and a horrible feeling of unfocussed anxiety.I am very lonely and isolated,and although I have a wonderful loving husband,I feel my illness has drained all the fun from our relationship,but
when I'm well,I really love my life.
My mood gets lower as the day goes on,hence this post(it's 3:30 pm here).I have phoned the Samaritans every afternoon this week,but I feel they think I'm a self-absorbed bore,as I'm not actively suicidal at present.It's like there's a heavy weight of dark despair pressing on my chest,and this horrible feeling kicks in as soon as I wake up.The most ordinary things make me afraid.I haven't been able to leave the house for a while,but tomorrow we hope to go to one of our favourite places--a nature reserve,where you can sit quietly and look at the water and feed the birds.I find this place so soothing and wholesome,but we've tried to go there before when I've been ill,and I've ended up weeping and terrified,for no apparent reason.So it may be too soon to try,but I feel I MUST.When I'm well,I go to the gym,but the past couple of months I'm too afraid to go,even though I know I would find a good workout and a swim very therapeutic.All the joy has been sucked out of my life.
I have to keep telling myself that this horrible thing will go away eventually,as it always has,but there's always a fear that this time,it's here for good,and the happy life I so enjoy with husband will never return.I used to be a useful member of society--degree in English,qualified psychiatric nurse,Master's degree in Social Work----I was good at my job(I was told)because I empathised so much with my patients/clientele-----little did anyone know that some of the time I was as ill as they were,just hiding it better.
Sorry for the long(and probably self-indulgent) post.I just really need some human contact.Mental illness is very isolating.Thanks to whoever takes the time to read this.
Posted 9/19/2008 4:19 PM (GMT 0)
dysthymia

Hi this is Kitt.  I know exactly what you mean about hiiding your own anxiety and depression at work,  I did that for 24 years and had a wonderful career but always had this underlying fear and anxiety.

I spent a lot of wasted time worrying about the "what ifs"  Through therapy I have learned "what if the worst thing happens, will I survive" Yes I will and I will fight the demons to get them out of my life. 

2 summers ago I was pretty housebound, afraid to go out, rushed home to my safe place.  We decided to take a 500 mile trip that Fall and we got 100 miles from home and I begged my husband to go back home.  He said no, let's just get to the first nights stop and see how you feel.  I asked him to just talk to me about anything and he did. I would burst in to tears and say please take me home but we continued to head west.

The night in the first hotel was fine.  The next morning nothing was mentioned about turning back, I was on my way on a trip and I wanted to go,  I just needed my support person to tell me I would be OK and he was there with me.

I was not cured but I put that accomplishment at the top of my list for facing my fears and hitting them head on.

Try to just go to your quiet spot and sit with your eyes closed and feel the sun on your face.  You are safe.  You do not have to be afraid.  Let the anxiety float away.  Take deep breaths and just be in the moment.

I am here for you.  Remember one step at a time.  You will make it through this dark time and life will be good again.  Trust.

I support you and I am sending lot of prayers your way to help you through this tough time.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Posted 9/19/2008 4:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time right now.  Although I don't have OCD, I do completely understand the depression and anxiety and the not leaving the house, I have agoraphobia as well.  I wish there was something that I could say to really help you, but all I have is that I'll be here if you need a friend, someone to talk too.  I am well acquainted with feeling alone and scared and know how miserable it can be.  You were right when you said that this will pass, and it will, it's just the getting through it until it does.  Please know that I understand where you are and am here for you.  If you want to, you can e-mail me anytime.  I hate to see someone feeling so alone.  Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. 

Posted 9/20/2008 9:29 AM (GMT 0)
Dysthymia,

Hello and welcome. I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time.

When my depression was strong, I felt many of the things you describe. I notice that you don't seem to be taking an antidepressant right now. Is there a specific reason for that?

Try not to grieve for the things you feel you can't do. I understand gong to a favorite place, somehow feeling lost or empty, unhelped by it, and then grieving for how you used to enjoy it. Likewise with how you describe your relationship with your husband. You are dealing with depression right now, but that doesn't mean that you've lost all chance at happiness and peace. So when you go to your special spot, try not to think about how you feel now compared to how you have felt. instead, as Kitt would say, "stay in the moment." Concentrate on what you're seeing there *today*. Is it warm, cool? Is there a breeze? Are other people there? What sounds are they making? Are the birds there? What do you see them doing? What do they sound like? Are there other animals? What are they doing? What do you hear from them?

Think about your place and what you can feel about it today, not what you have felt or wish you could feel.

Good luck, and keep posting.

percycat
Posted 9/20/2008 11:27 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Percycat ,
Thank you for your kind reply.Unfortunately I woke up in a state of terrible fear,and so we can't go to our special place.I feel i would taint it by my mentally ill presence.I know that sounds weird,but its a feeling I often get when I'm ill.You asked about anti-depressants-----maybe the drug names are different in your country(US?),but all the meds I mentioned,(apart from Diazepam) are anti depressants,and I'm on the maximum amount of two of them.God knows what I'd be like without them,as it sure feels like hell at the moment.
When I get well again(have to keep telling myself that it has always stopped in the past,and health will return again)--though there's always the fear that this is the time it WON'T go away-- the first thing me and my husband will do is visit the nature reserve.I liked your description of quietly sitting and listening to the bird and animal life going on with its own quiet lives-----that sounds such a soothing thing,I think I'll use that as part of my attempts at relaxation.I hope to be able to actually do it soon.
I hope your life isn't too sad at the moment.Thank you for your kindness and interest,especially if you're not feeling too good yourself.I appreciate kindness more than anything.Thank you.And you were spot on about the grief thing----I mourn all kinds of stuff at the moment,my lost career,all the cruelty in the world etc etc,.people I've never even met ,some of the stories on this site.The list goes on and on.
All good wishes,and may you find peace and healing .
Posted 9/20/2008 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
Dear kitt,
thanks for your kind response,and wise advice.When I'm ill,I really do try to face the demons and go out.My success rate varies----sometimes I can only make it as far as the local store(about 150 yards away),and on the walk back,I actually fear that I won't reach safety(home).Sometimes I get a cab to the local hypermarket---I can get that all done,including the cab ride back in 30 mins,and even have a sensible conversation with the cab driver,if they're the kind who like to chat.I had to actually go into the city last week ,as I needed to buy a really fancy "Get Well" card for a friend,and send him some flowers.I did all the relaxation techniques I could remember,and thought all would be well,but when I got to the florist I've used for decades,the shop was gone,just shut up and gone away.That was it---I stood weeping in the street,felt sick,all the stuff.Then I remembered a big store that I thought might deliver flowers,went there,they did,thank God.Panicked and weeping at the till,but I did it.Got straight in a cab and back home to safety.
We don't have a car,and to go to the nature reserve we have to get a bus and then a train-----if we could drive to places we love,I might manage better.Anyway,I have to take it slowly.You are right to feel a sense of accomplishment for the way you faced up to your demons on that occasion,and I guess you're doing that in lots of ways all the time,I'm going to continue my own fight,and with the support of people like you,and the other kind souls on this site,I WILL overcome this horror,and regain enjoyment of life once more.Sounds like your husband is kind and supportive,as mine is.We only have each other,but when I'm well,that's good enough for me.
Love and thanks for your kindness.
Posted 9/20/2008 1:08 PM (GMT 0)

dysthymia

Good Morning and your trip into the city was a great accomplishment, so you shed some tears of fear and you could not get home fast enough but you went.

I told my therapist one time that when I go out I would get so scared and would start to cry. She told me to put on sunglasses. So I have shopped on cloudy days in sunglasses. cool

You were purchasing sympathy flowers for a friend.............you shed tears, of course.  People don't need to know your afraid and you don't have to explain.

It does make it more difficult to get out when you use public transport.

Try short walks down your street, every few feet away from your front door is a step towards facing your fears. I am so glad you have a wonderful and supportive husband too.

Stay with us, we understand your problems.

Hugs

Kitt


Posted 9/20/2008 1:17 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Junebug05,
Thank you so much for your kind message.It makes me feel less alone,and you have done me good with your words of kindness.It must be very hard to live with agoraphobia---when I'm really ill I get a bit of that,and isn't it horrible when a simple trip to the shop makes you so afraid that you just can't do it?I'm able to force myself to do a big food shop once a week,have to have a cab there and back,crying and panicking over such minor things---anything can throw me off course.
How do you deal with your agrophobia?Have you got support,friends,a good doctor?Do you find any meds helpful?
I would love to hear from you again,and know how you are doing.You reached out to a stranger in trouble,and I really appreciate it.Kindness counts for everything with me.I wish you better health,and peace.
Posted 9/21/2008 12:09 AM (GMT 0)
dysthymia,
you should feel so prous of yourself that you were able to go to the store....no matter if you were weeping at the till. Personally, I think it's a huge accomplishment. If it makes you feel better, I am dog-sitting, and could barely leave the apartment tonight to take the dog for a walk. I cried for the whole walk (Kitt - i lost my sunglasses, so no such luck with wearing them!). yes, people did look at me.....but I just try to tell myself that they aren't looking to judge me...they most likely feel some sadness and compassion to see a person who is so visibly upset.
I know where you are coming from with not having a car and all - I have to take the bus everywhere. Sometimes, i think that my condition could improve if i just had a car (in case i ever had to leave a situation quickly). We should try to remember that what doesnt kill us, makes us stronger! maybe having to take the train or the bus everywhere will make us stronger in the end...
either way...i am proud of you for going to the store...and i hope you make it to your special place soon...
Posted 9/21/2008 12:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hi! I want to chime in with something that helped me when I faced a lot of anxiety from my crohns disease. I started not wanting to go anywhere or do anything for fear of pooping my pants. I would feel short of breath and near tears frequently. I like to write and found journaling therapeutic. But one night I just decided to do some listing that really started to change my life... that and a co-worker.

First, I was near tears as a co-worker left me alone in the visit room at work. I was a corrections officer and that meant I couldn't leave or use the restroom until he came back. He sat down next to me, looked me in the eyes, and said "fitzy, what is the WORST that could happen. You poop your pants. You are mortified. You go home early. You shower. Cry yourself to sleep. Get up, and come back to work the next day. We would either feel really sorry for you or all laugh about it. But the truth is, you would not die. I would not die. The sun would come up tomorrow. The world wouldn't end. And CNN would not cover it. You life would go on." That moment changed my life. And even though I was fearful, I kept asking myself what is the worst that can happen? And then I would over prepare with a change of clothes in the event that the worst happened, I could make it a little less scary. So first I suggest figuring out what your worst scenario is. Then ask yourself if the sun would rise tomorrow. And if it would, see if there is anything you could do or bring to comfort yourself if the worst happened.

Next and equally important, I took out a piece of paper and folded it in four. In one box I made a list of all the places I went to without worry and without problems. (That list was very short.) Then I made a list of all the places I had been really afraid to go to, and something bad happened, and I wish I hadn't gone. (That list was also very short.) Then I made a list of places I was afraid to go to, went to anyway, and had such an awesome time and nothing bad happened. That list was very long. Then I made a list of places I had been too, was afraid to go to, felt kind of crappy, but got through anyway without anything embarassing happening. That list was also very long.

On the back I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish and then had myself rate the chance of something bad happening per situation. With my issues, those with limited bathroom access have a higher chance of causing problems.

Anytime I wanted to say no to something out of fear, I would break out my list. It was a visible reminder that the odds were in my favor that if I faced my fear I would either have a blast, or feel sick but be glad I went. The odds would be very low that I would wish I hadn't gone. So I would go. And then I would add that accomplishment to the list.

Try it. It might help.
Posted 9/21/2008 1:20 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Dysthymia,

My thoghts and prayers are with you...interestingly enough, I am pursuing a degree in English and I am also a registered nurse, even though I have almost reached my breaking point with my job.  With the changes in healthcare today, I do not have enough degrees of separation to deal with my level of empathy for the patients.  I have been on medication for panic disorder for 5 years, but I will never forget what I felt like before I began medication.  The moderators here seem awesome...I have read the postings for awhile before joining the group today...Know you are not alone.

Posted 9/21/2008 5:02 AM (GMT 0)
hi, i just want to say i think your really strong for going through this and comming out ok everytime even though u fear its the worst one, i guess its always like that. mental illness is so draining and its hard to say to other people that u feel unwell so u cant make it or dont want to go out, i find that hard at the moment, im sick of having to pretend like im happy and well, its not like i can say sorry guys dont feel well at the monet im having some ocd problem. its so hard.. and i know what u mean about when u are well, u are really well and feel really happy even if u dont have the most exicting day, feeling well is the best ever! i hope i get there again, still waiting, its been 4 months geez when does it end. feeling isolated is very tricky too, i find that we can relate with ocd and anxiety but sometimes we dont always have the same irrational fear and u think i wonder if anyone else has had this horrible thought or situation so it can still be isolating. hang in there.. its ashame we cant message each other on here like private messages, is that allowed? i think it would be a good idea? anyway take care and remember uve always got hope no matter what! xoxox
Posted 9/21/2008 10:51 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Jillene,
Such a kind message from you.You obviously relate to the kind of problems I'm having,but you're dealing with them and facing up to them.You are very brave to take control of things as much as you can,despite the crying in public----you are facing up to your problem,and should feel proud of every victory.
You make me feel inspired to try to follow your advice in future.We've both survived this terrible illness so far------Feel proud of what you achieve.And by the sound of your determination,you're going to get this thing licked!I wish your good health will return soon.Please let me know how you're getting on.
Posted 9/21/2008 11:04 AM (GMT 0)
Dear FitzyK23,
My heart went out to you when I read your post--it was heart-warming.Your colleague did a wise and kind thing,and gave you some practical advice(while acknowledging your mental distress),and it WORKED.How you manage to do your particular job,while you have to cope with your physical problems---well,you must really have some inner strength,even though you probably feel you haven't.At any rate,you're an inspiration to lots of people on this site.
I liked your lists idea,and I'm going to try that out.All good wishes for your physical and mental health,and thank you so much for reaching out to someone else in distress.
Posted 9/21/2008 11:30 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Litnut,
i really appreciate your kindness in leaving a message for me--it sounds like you're having a tough time yourself,yet you still reached out.Lots of nice people on this site doing the same.
Are you currently nursing,and studying for your Lit degree at the same time?That sounds a very demanding thing to do.As you are already qualified as a nurse,and are starting to find the job too painful,given your mental state,isn't this something you could return to,when you feel less anxious?How do you cope with your Lit studies?Do they make you feel better ?I hope I don't speak out of turn;I know virtually nothing about nursing in anywhere other than UK,Maybe you want to follow a different path when you get your Lit degree?
It would be great to discuss books sometime,when we're both feeling up to it.When I'm ill, my ability to read is cruelly taken from me,and am I ever looking forward to the return of mental health,as I have a load of stuff to catch up with.
Someone on this site(Kitt,I think) said "Once a nurse,always a nurse"-----I bet you still relate to people in that way even if you're finding life is hellish,you still want to help people in distress.Like you just reached out to me.That was a kind thing to do.
Hope peace and health return to you soon.
Posted 9/21/2008 11:58 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Emz84,
Thank you for the kind things you said.I hope you won't be in distress for much longer--I've sometimes had about 6months in the pit,but good times have ALWAYS returned,so hopefully you'll be able to enjoy your life again soon.Though you are obviously not in a good place at the moment,you have reached out to a stranger,and shown them kindness.You should feel good about yourself for that.
The OCD thing----it's horrible isn't it?I have some physical things that always have to be done in the same order,some counting and checking stuff again and again.The thoughts are really vile though(haven't got that this time,thank God),Don't worry if some of the OCD thoughts are nasty;it's your illness,you're not a bad person.Two episodes ago,I had terrible obsessional thoughts,really sick and embarassing,my Dr was very kind,and reassured me it's an illness thing,not that you're some evil person.I'm a walking pharmacy now ,I'm on so many meds,but at least I get to enjoy 1/2 the year!
Someone else recently said to me,that thoughts won't harm anyone,except the poor person like yourself,who's having to deal with them.So don't beat yourself up if the thoughts seem evil or bad--it's just part of an illness.I hope you have a kind Dr or therapist to discuss all this with.In the mean-time---take it easy,and don't be hard on yourself.Send me a message any time,if I can be of any help,or if you just want to chat.
Look forward to the good times--hope they come soon.
Posted 9/21/2008 2:42 PM (GMT 0)

dysthymia

Good Morning and Wow what a great response from our wonderful members. I am so very happy you joined us and found you are not alone.

Anxiety and Panic are truly real disorders and they impact our lives and our dreams.

Fitzy's sharing was very touching and true.  What is the worst thing that may happen...........mine was the day I had my big melt down at work and my Boss had to drive me home.  I was devestated and humilated.  I felt like the world's biggest loser but I lived through it.

I cried for months over needing to take early retirement, again I felt like a failure until I finally went to therapy.  Also I joined this forum and here I read about others just like me.  We are all still here and  when we feel we need a boost we ask for help.  When we are doing good we help others who need to know they are OK. 

A kind and wise co-worker of Fitzy's gave her permission to know if the worst happened she would still be ok.

Now I give you the same advice, if the worst thing happens you will make it through.  You have a whole support group here that knows what your going through and where your coming from.

There is something comforting about baring your soul to the members of A & P and still being able to be anonymous.

Gentle Hugs to you,

Kitt

Posted 9/22/2008 10:50 AM (GMT 0)
Dear stkitt and all the other people who have sent messages and shared their experiences-----



THANK YOU!!!!!
You have no idea how much good you have done for me.Sure,I'm still ill,but I sure felt one heck of a lot less lonely and isolated,reading your experiences,and feeling real kindness from all of you to a stranger.You guys are getting through life and succeeding,despite the mental and physical problems you have to deal with.AND DESPITE THAT,you show true kindness to someone else,despite your own problems.You are good people,who deserve good health and peace,and I send hopes and prayers that you all receive both soon.
I hope I will be able to be of some use to others soon,and do as you have done----make a person in despair feel less alone.

Love and thanks,
Dysthmia.
Posted 9/22/2008 1:50 PM (GMT 0)
Dysthmia.

You have already helped us by joining us and giving us the opportunity to share our experiences and a chance to help someone else. 

Thank you for your kind words.  I know you will get better and  I wish you peace.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Posted 10/6/2008 1:00 PM (GMT 0)
To all on this thread,
I begin to feel health returning.....increasing the Citalopram to the max seems to be kicking in....hardly dare say it,but I feel less panicky and afraid.Not out of the woods yet,but getting there.Thank you all for your kindness and support.It's really made a difference finding people who understand the things I've been going through.What helped the most though,was the KINDNESS----you have no idea how much comfort that has brought me.
Don't want to be a pessimist,but I'll probably be back,and ill again in a while(story of my life),but in the mean-time,I hope I can reach out to anyone who is in the throes of illness.
This is a fantastic site.BIG thanks to all of you,and may you find the peace and health you all deserve.
Posted 10/6/2008 1:40 PM (GMT 0)
dysthymia

I am excited to read that your fealing better.  That is awesome and I will pray that you will stay out of the darkness and in the sunlight.

You have helped so many members of HealingWell and I know you will always continue to help others as it is in your nature. Bless you my friend.

Laugh often, Dream big, and Reach for the stars !

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

Posted 10/7/2008 3:36 AM (GMT 0)
Dysthymia,

That is such wonderful news! Enjoy the sense of wellbeing and relief - you surely deserve it. It's so great that you're making the climb out of that dark well, back into the light. Yes, we all go up and down into that well from time to time, but it's so good to know that others are supporting us, shining the light when we need it, and allowing us to do the same in return.

Bless you for sharing!

percycat
Posted 10/8/2008 4:22 AM (GMT 0)

Dysthmyia,

Wee-hoo! I'm dancing a jig for you. It makes me so happy when I see someone come out of a dark place. Keep smiling and moving forward into positive thinking. We are here for you, proud of you and over the moon for you. (You may see Kitt up there in the stars so give her a wave for me!!)

Hugs,

Meg

Posted 10/9/2008 10:23 AM (GMT 0)
To all the good people on this thread,
Had a few days when I thought the darkness was returning,but saw my Dr this a.m.,and she sees a real improvement-----mood lifting,lower anxiety levels.I'm not out of the woods yet(have made a decision that I WILL go to the gym next week,even if it just involves a 10 minute swim and a shower),but I know if I could get back to exercising it would really help my mental health.
Kitt and Meg----the moon and stars has always been my favourite motif,how nice that you refer to it.Looking forward to meeting you all up there!
You folk on this site will never know how much your kindness has helped me.I hope I can do the same for others.
Love,good health,and peace to all of you.And thank you.
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