I'm new here - dealing with anxiety +

Hi.  I've been participating in the bipolar forum for the last month or so and thought I'd try this forum b/c I've had so much more anxiety of late.

I am 35 y/o and have been treated for Depression 12 years, then ADHD and Depression for 9 or so. I had a manic kind of reaction to IV steroids (for post surgery infection) about 8 years ago and was prescribed Clonazepam to "bring me down."  After getting me "down" and back to sleeping, etc., I took  Clonazepam 1mg nightly for a few years.  What I liked about it was how it made my mind slow down enough to sleep.  It was nice to just have a few minutes every day when my thoughts would slow down and my mind would rest.

There's been some question as to whether I'm Bipolar II in the last couple years, which is why I've been searching around these forums.  My pdoc is certain that I have Depression, ADHD, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I know that several persons with Depression also have Anxiety, and since OCD is a form of anxiety, I thought I'd see if any of you out there suffer with anything similar.

The recent worsening of symptoms followed getting off most of my meds b/c was trying to get pregnant. I did so with consultation w/ both GYN and pdoc.  My mood and functioning level plummeted.  So, we're trying to get me stabilized now.

My current symptoms are:

• constant thoughts running through my head
• worrying about anything and everything - paper or plastic - pen or pencil - this page or that - Christianity or more general spirituality - chop vegetables on the side of the sink or by the stove - that my husband's bound to get frustrated, bored, tired of all my stuff  [some of my worries have a logical origin and some are just goofy and aggravating - about stuff that really doesn't matter - I have so many though, it's hard to distinguish between which are worthy of further consideration and effort and which to trash....]
• great difficulty focusing at work or on anything significant short-term memory loss - can't learn new things near as quickly as normal, can't rely on myself to remember to do things or where I put something (difficulty focusing , forgetting and losing things aren't new for me - just worse)
• my pdoc has put me back on Dexedrine, a stimulant used for ADHD - at times I think it helps, but lately, I've been so anxious / nervous, that I wonder if it makes it worse.  But without it I get so less effective and productive, which leads to such frustration with myself and really depressed thinking, so ?
• such decreased confidence that it's hard to do my job which requires a good bit of self-direction - I panic when I go to do tasks I've done multiple times - I blank out and can't seem to get my mind to cooperate and function.  Makes  me concerned about my judgement
• I am constantly writing notes / lists in a big notebook - but I can't seem to know what's important to write and end up writing so much stuff that it's hard to tell later on what I needed to know  ['ve always written notes and lists, but it's ridiculous lately, and not so helpful any more. More like a compulsion.]
• To compose an email or even a post like this, it takes me far too long - I dont' know what is too much, and find myself wanting to explain way more than the setting really allows, to prevent any misunderstanding or unclear statements.
• In written and verbal communication, I start over multiple times.  End up being redundant and incomplete and confusing
• Pretty often for over a month, I've had a yuck feeling in my upper stomach / low chest. Not a fullblown panic attack, but it's gotten close. More an almost constant sense of mental and physical dread and unrest.  I get nauseous, shaky and weak
• Have repetetive thoughts - odd - i'll repeat a sequence of numbers or letters over and over and over until I have a headache from it.
• Have been waking betweem 3 and 4:30 am more often than not
• Shaking my legs rapidly - again, this isn't new, but much worse - I'm waking myself and my husband up doing this - It happens unpredictably throughout the day -

Anyone relate out there?

Thanks for your patience in reading all this.

H

Hi there hlayne,

Welcome aboard! I can definitely emphatize with the thoughts constantly running through your head and not sleeping as well as you'd like. I think I have a weird triage of ADD, depression, anxiety so I have an idea of where you're coming from. For the bi-polar disorder, how has that gone so far? Have you talked to your pdoc about determining this for sure or possibly considered seeing a specialist??

- Travis

Hi Hlayne,

Welcome to the A/P boards. Kitt is very right in pointing out that anxiety and depression make good bed fellows. CBT is a form of anxiety as well. It sounds like your anxiety is leading you on a merry dance at the moment. I have a lot of those same thoughts about pen/pencil etc that you mentioned and it is so paralysing at times. I find it helps to just try and laugh it through. Sounds a bit silly but I try and mentally slap myself on the forehead and say "oh come on!" and move on with what needs to be done. I used to have a huge obsession with reading signs and if I coudn't finish reading a sign before I passed it I would have to stop, do a U turn and go back and try and read it again. Sometimes it would take me hours to do a simple drive because I just HAD to read those signs. Over time I have forced myself to drive on,no matter what and the compulsion has lessened. Now I get around so much quicker!!

Try and challenge the negative, black/white, yes/no thoughts that you have. It takes practice but it makes life so much easier. I'm a big list maker too, I also have about five diaries that list everything I intend to do. It's a compulsion I allow but if your lists are getting out of control maybe you ned to limit yourself to just the one. I repeat one! I get flustered at work if I have more than one task to do at a time, but I have no control over that so I just breath through it. As you learn more techniques (I really reccomend CBT) you will be able to cope better when anxiety turns up in your workplace.

Again, I welcome you to the A/P boards, I hope you find some of the help ypu are seeking here,

Meg

Thank you everyone.  I do need to look into CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy?

I have found that having a sense of humor is helpful - At times I can laugh at myself and say, "whatever!"  When I have the "this way or that way" argument about too many things, however, I just get exhausted.

I do recognize the distorted thinking and perception. Which gives me hope that I can quit listening to my more ridiculous thoughts at some point -or at least listening less again.

Thank you again, everyone. I so appreciate the feedback and look forward to learning from your experiences and benefiting from your support.

h