Part 2 Coping with PTSD? by Buddha

Part 1 of this thread use link below to review.

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=9&m=1218828&p=4

This is Part 2.............Coping with PTSD by Buddha

 

Buddha said...on 9/20/2008

I unfortunately have survived another day at community service. Heart and BP were way up there but just couldn't finish me off, 180 -190 is my best guess for pulse, hard to take a pulse that high. I was just standing around most of the day.

The guy in charge of the community service most of had a hang over, he was grumpy. Sent a few people home for the just the heck of it. I did my best to stay away from him all day, don't need some idiot setting me off -- I can be a little violent these days.

Must of had multiple nightmares this morning, woke up twice to screaming and once with tremors and palpitations that's when the alarm went off. Back is fine, I know it went out once yesterday but it was back in by the time I went home. Even the back wont cooperate and punish me. At least my knee loves me, it's hurting like hell this morning.

Well lets see ... I blow the weekend, hardly got out of bed, slept it away. Only problem with sleeping that much is the nightmares, tremors and palpitations. Must woke up a dozen times hearing things. Blared some SOAD to keep the stray thoughts away. Which reminds me, I have a link for the music thread.

Mrs. Smith told me of a job fair and I went today. Didn't find anything I was even remotely qualified for there. Oh ... turned in my community service time sheets too.

Came home and found an email from Palms of Pasadena Hospital for an interview for a food service job tomorrow at 9 or 10 AM (for some reason the time was in CST), I'll go early. (Nice notice, less than 24 hours.) This is nuts, the place scares the crap out of me, I thought I was going to crap my pants the last time I was there -- not a figure of speech. I'm sure I was close to having a heart attack sitting out front waiting for the bus. Got to put up a good front tomorrow because I need a job even one at a place that scares the hell out of me and just may kill me. At least Human Resources is in the old building and that looks more like a motel than a hospital. You should feel how hard my heart is pounding right now.

It's seems none of my friends can agree lately which is driving me nutty'er. I know they mean well though. One is all for the my councilor and the other is just the opposite. One thinks I should just concentrate on finding a job and the other keeps finding new mental problems for me. I don't think I'm doing either any good, I know they're losing sleep over me -- which makes me just want to tell them both to go to hell -- just to save them any more misery.

I think I ticked off my councilor by taking a sanity test!? Great first I miss the VR appointment then I insult her. I thought it might help her, she seemed ticked though. It didn't tell me anything I didn't already know.

I'm babbling, without the BP meds, I get really tired. I'd try the beta-blocker for tomorrow but with my luck it will send me straight into anaphylactic shock.

Buddha,

Good for you , you went to the interview.  Why does this hospital scare you?

I have the feeling your friends are confusing you so perhaps you should cut back on discussing your work your ding with your counselor.

Please remember you are going to be OK.

Hugs
Kitt

Saw my councilor yesterday. She said basically the way I help myself is change the way I look at things. If a farmer sees it's raining then he's happy for his crops. However, if a wedding planner sees it's raining then he's upset for his outdoor wedding. So I need to find those things that upset me and change the way I look at them. Doesn't that just sound so easy? I don't know how I'm suppose to do that. Let's take nurses, I have nothing against nurses except they remind me of ICU and Mother. I'm not sure how I change that? I really don't have any happy memories to associate nurses with besides Mother. Before mother the last time I spoke to a nurse, she wanted me to tie down an old lady -- that doesn't help!!! (I did not have to tie down the old lady because I calmed her down. She just needed someone to listen. She died a few days later. Still not a memory that helps.) Basically, it all leads right back to how I view pulling the plug on my Mother and I don't see any shades of gray there, it's black and white. Yeah I did the right thing but it doesn't change what I did -- I killed her. Maybe I don't understand the concept, maybe I'm too screwed up to figure a way out.

Buddha - some of the people that post on this board are or were nurses. So when you see a nurse think of the nice friendly ones you talk to here. And if the hospital becomes your place of work than that will be your positive!!

Little too much stress today. I ripped (yes that a fitting word to describe the action) a piece of tooth out this week and I am paying dearly for it. Not only does the tooth hurt worse but pretty much that whole side of my face is in agony. I decided I need to go to the store for something for the pain, I've taken so many acetaminophens I'm peeing brown. Anyway, I must have hit the bus at the wrong time it was full of scrubs both up and back. I only had a slight panic attack on the bus, a little shaking, a lot of sweating and a whole lot of counting. Besides the Orajel, I picked up some TV dinners and throw one of of those in when I got back. I'm not sure what set off the flashbacks but for about 15 minutes I was sucked right back to that darn ICU. I don't think they are ever going to stop, I sure don't know how to stop them... I know it just me punishing myself but I don't know how to stop.

At least, it's not happening every day of the week now which is about the only blessing I can see from here.

Thanks Percycat. My Counselor says I'm functional too. I've never let any of this stop me ... or at least keep me from trying. Admittedly, I was not as functional with the Paxil but even with that I still push myself out the door. Personally, I think all this pushing I do is a manifestation of some sort of suicidal tendency or self flagellation.

Anyways ... I'm up at this ungodly hour because of something new. Instead of waking up to my mother screaming, I woke up to me screaming, "I'm sorry Mother." Even in my sleep I'm begging for forgiveness. I know what the second verse that follows that is too, "I don't serve to live." Sort of a mantra, it's what I usually scream during the flashbacks. I don't know why I scream during the flashbacks maybe because sometimes I can't even move during them which is even scarier. Out of control, one way or the other.

I had a few good days but something has set me off. I'm siting here and it feels like I can't breath and there's a pain in my chest like a knot. I feel shaky even with no tremors. Flashbacks are coming fast and hard. It's going to be a long weekend.

Blasting "Love in an Elevator" by Aerosmith at the moment.

Thanks,
Buddha

Dear Buddha,
Only just come across this thread,and I truly feel for you.I nursed my mother through 3 yrs of terminal cancer,and my family were as much use as a one legged man in a butt-kicking contest.I was spared having to give permission to turn off her life support,as here in the UK,there's perhaps more help (voluntary--it should be funded by the Govt),so we both got the nursing support to enable her to stay at home.Man,that created whole new levels of anxiety I didn't even know existed.
I know our situations were different,and you had a terrible decision to make,but you did what was right.I'm so sorry this is still haunting you,and causing you mental and physical anguish.If you want any talk about this,I'm more than willing,but maybe you've done a lot of this already,and feel there's no benefit in going over old ground.
I just wanted to send you good wishes,and hope you find peace.I was a nurse,by the way(a PSYCHIATRIC nurse would you believe,given my mental state these days),but it didn't make things easier,looking after my Mum.
I hope I haven't dragged up a lot of stuff you'd rather was left alone,or that I've spoken out of turn.Just wanted to send good wishes and peace to a person with excellent music taste,and who extends kindness to others,even though you feel bad yourself.And the way you make yourself do stuff when you're so anxious and unmotivated,well--that's an example to all of us(I have to go into the city tomorrow,and it's like planning an ascent of Everest)
Here's to good health and peace for you.And you keep blasting that music,if it's helping!

Dear buddha,
if your friends are finding it all to much to deal with,feel free to say whatever you want to say,to me or whoever on this site you feel comfortable with.Anything that's troubling you.If I can at least offer a listening service,I'm available,and I know there are so many people on this site who will welcome you with understanding.I won't say too much more;just wanted to tell you that you are not alone;our experiences were different,but similar,and if I can help you deal with your situation,please feel free.I know I can say the same for so many others on this site.I wish you peace and health.And keep that healing music going------sometimes I feel it's what keeps me just the right side of total insanity..All good wishes,good vibes,etc
The loss of a parent is a mega event.Stop beating yourself up--you dealt with a situation most people never have to face,and you did your best.No-one can do more.
If I've spoken out of turn,please accept my apologies--don't want to make your burden any heavier.Just want to help if I can

Hey I tried to make this post shorter but no dice?? Anyone else got a clue?? - Nervymeg

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 9/29/2008 8:58:08 AM (GMT-6)

Just started a Beta-Blocker for my hypertension this morning, Tenoretic 50 (atenolol and chlorthalidone). This is the only prescription I'll be taking right now, that will make it easier to tell if it's working or not. This is my third hypertension medication. These prescription medications worry me, especially since my medical care is so slipshod.

<took a nap in the middle of this post>

The diuretic sure does work, had to jump out of bed and run to the bathroom, which is not something I do easy -- legs don't work well after laying down. I'm going to call the pharmacy and see if I can get this prescription without the diuretic. This was one of my worries, my butt has been so good lately I've even been afraid to mention it. Really don't want to wind up back in the Crohn's forum again, nice people -- crappy subject. (Yes, I did try to crack a joke there ... please forgive me.)

My tooth ache is getting worse in that the benzocaine isn't working well any more. Can't drink anything without the whole side of my head just hurting like hell ... the pain is right up there with throwing out my back and then trip and falling.

I really did not need anymore stress this weekend, I still haven't figured out what set off these flashbacks but they're not letting up. I did finally get some sleep with the music blurring last night. Stupid me I turn it off when my alarm went off ... sensing my defenses down they came back for me.

Got one more Social Security form to fill out, got to do that today ... some how.

You are going to grieve at your PACE not anyone elses my friend and I sure wish I could be of more help
JUST know I DO know what you are feeling
My siblings had the nerve to call me a murderer

Talk about a knife thru the heart..........

Dad did not want to live by machines he was not even 60 lbs and was full of cancer and he also had Alzheimers
I also believe Mom passing 2 yrs before him broke his warm and loving soul and heart

I take solace in the fact they are now once again together......
It does help me
But once again I too have periods of doubt .......
and like I said I wish I was more help to you .....

Take care my friend and know you did the right thing

We are brought together by such pain but we will get thru this

I am here for you as are all the rest of the a/p "family"

LYN

Buddha... You are doing remarkably well... I am so proud of you... I'm concerned about that tooth.... it will abcess if you don't see a dentist soon.... you may also need an anitibiotic and stronger pain meds before they can touch that tooth... I know , more scrubs, more meds, more to face.
Your nightmare about you screaming "I'm so sorry mother" is typical with PTSD... you may not have said it out loud then but your mind and heart were screaming those exact thoughts at the time you had to do someting so impossibly difficult .
I think if she were able to, for one moment, come back and talk to you this is what she would say. : Thank you my dear sweet son... for taking such good care of me... for loving me the way you did through all the difficult , trying times... for having the courage to end my suffering... I am in such a beautiful, peaceful , happy place right now... my pain is gone... all I know is LOVE. My love for you is everlasting... I am here, in your heart , to help you through all your grief and guilt... but now it is time to give up the guilt... You helped me be in a better place... you ended my pain and my suffering and I love you so much for it! :" She would give you a big hug, she would take your sweet face in her hands and tell you that she loves you and that if you had not had the courage to do what was needed by pulling the plug... she would still be suffering.
Your dreams will lessen over time... with PTSD... when we are unable to speak the most painful parts of our memories and hurts... your mind releases it /them through your dreams... your mind is like a big old strainer... it is letting go of the unnecessary, harmful stuff one bit at a time. Soon your dreams will change, I promise... Remember that I suffer from PTSD also, as do my two girls... The pain you are feeling in your tooth and face is triggering more memories to surface...
Take care of yourself... see to that tooth... One step at a time... You are doing so well... I want to go over there and give you a big old hug and pat on the back!
Healing thoughts and prayers dear Buddha...
Mary