Part 3 Coping with PTSD?

Buddha,

I am sorry hun, but you put a smile on my face with your choice of words............"I'm not really that fond of tuna fish sandwiches."

How do you feel about peanut butter and jelly?

You know I am here to support you so don't you giving up. 

You have a whole family here to support you.

Hugs
Kitt

Buddha... hang in there... yes I get the 'screamers' too.... they're awful... wake up shaking in my boots... well, bed. ! Have to get up for a while and 'shake' it off ... because if I close my eyes right away I'm right back where I started.
P.S What's with the blurred vision.? Is it just your eyes trying to wake up in the morning... I know its take my tired old eyes a while to focus... I get up blurry everyday.
It's pouring buckets on Vancouver Island today... buckets! I hate the rain.... I don't mind days when it rains a bit and then clears up ... I especially like it when it is still sunny in spots and it rains... I always tell the girls to watch for rainbows!!!!God's promise that HE would never leave us!
Keeping you in my prayers dear friend... sending healing thoughts your way.
Mary

Hi Mary,

Vision problem was probably the Micardis along with the dizziness. The shaking? Not sure, it seems to becoming a problem, it's happening rather randomly. I just start shaking, it's not anxiety, maybe the Zoloft?

Sometimes the pain is so bad it trumps everything else, sometimes I get the enjoy of everything at once. The action my pain prompts is crawl into bed till it goes away. Not much I can do once I'm in that state, balance is gone, cramps, can barely move.

I hope the rain stops and you get a nice rainbow.

Hugs,
Buddha

Good morning Meg,

I think I'll make it to the Mission today. Woke up a little dizzy but it passed quickly.

Pizza rolls ... can't afford them till the food stamps come on the 11th. Hopefully.

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering cramps. Hope they go away soon.

Hugs,
Buddha

Still alive. First thing I did this morning was take out the trash from the kitchen. As I was going out I started having chest pain. Got the trash in the dumpster and I couldn't breath. I was scared. I recovered but that's how my day started. Had cramps in both legs for most of the day. I worked in the kitchen today and I had cramp in my hands too. If I had to rate my pain right now I would say it's a 10. Still dealing with cramps in the hands and feet. Back is shear agony. Legs I can barely raise them, I was dragging my feet all the way home. Shuffling like an old man. They tell me I'm one of their hardest worker which is probably because I can't stop or I wind up just as I am now barely able to stand. They tell me I'm a very pleasant person to be around, well at least I'm not spreading the pain. I use to have a reason to suffer like this , well she's dead and I don't want suffer anymore. I'm so tired. It hurts so much.

Hi Kitt,

Standing still and going forward both cause me pain. Too much typing or writing will cause pain. Yes even sitting can be a problem.

It started about ten years ago when I fell down the stairs at Kmart with a TV. It's Tandem Spinal Stenosis. The lumbar back pain is usually the worse however it also causes pain in the legs and feet. I even had excruciating hip pain yesterday ... rare. Basically if I stand for more than ten minutes the pain comes, back and legs. Now if I sit down and take it easy - no problem instant relief. If I push myself, well then I'll get cramps, if I keep pushing my gait will change, keep going I loss balance, keep going my legs get weak, if I push it to the max I wind up with my leg or legs going dead which is where I am today. The same goes for the arms, there have been times my left arm has been useless for months. Fingers have also gone dead too. Because I ignored this for a decade it has caused incontinence too. Bowels are a daily worry pain or no pain, bladder is only intermittently but it leaks till I recover it will only get worse. Not easy getting to the bathroom like this, didn't make it once today and that's actually a good day.

Just typing this has caused a cramp in my right arm and hand which is typical had them all night too. I have to rest till this all goes away or it will just keep getting worse, quicker. The leg only went out once today for a few minutes (which is when I piss all over myself) but I've had them both go out for more than an hour. The more I push the worse this all gets including the incontinence and the longer it takes to recover too.

I don't take any OTC pain medications for this mostly because they are useless. Anything I could take for this would have to knock me out anyway. Pain medications (NSAID) also upsets my bowels. Basically I just endure it but that takes will power and that is something I'm finding harder and harder to come up with now. I'm finding it hard just to get out of bed let alone find the will to endure an other day of pain and it's never just one day, I'll be hurting for three or more days.

Hugs,
Buddha

Buddha,

Morning, this is your pesky friend. I have read back over your posts and I see you have made progress but I think it maybe time to start making a plan for you to set goals and meet your goals.  Keep them small and doable but kick the stinkin thinkin to the curb and let's hear some positive.

You will make it to your appointment and consider the bus ride an adventure.  It does not work to try to sleep you life away my friend.  You have so much to offer.

Prayers for you

Kitt

Hi Kitt and Percycat,

First, who's getting any sleep!? I still can't take those Hydroxyzine PAM to put me to sleep. 300mg and the best they can do is make me drowsy nine hours later. That much should actually kill me considering 25mg knocked me out for three days before Zoloft.

I think the bus ride will be more of a test of my endurance or maybe my heart?

Percy, I don't know any better ... which is probably why I can't seem to get disability. I guess they think it can't hurt that much since I can do X, Y and Z. Maybe if I just give up I'll get some help. No one should suffer like this, I did it for so long because the alternative was a nursing home for my mother which would've killed her. I couldn't do that.

I really am just tired. It wasn't so bad when I was sane. I just can't deal with both. Something has to give.

Luv ya,
Buddha

Buddha,

I'm thinking about you on that bus ride and your doctor's appointment, sending out *tons* of good thoughts and prayers. Do let us all know how it went when you get back and feel up to it.

Hugs,
percycat

Buddha... Lordy you have a lot on your plate... keep at it luv , it WILL get better... sometimes the journey is long and difficult but it makes it all the more sweeter and rewarding when we get there. Yours and my situation seem a lot alike... I have a terrible time with my legs ... have fallen so many times ... which is why I was using a scooter... but now I have two flat tires, no money to fix them so I'm back on crutches... so hard to get from point a to point b... and then like you I'm up all night with pain... incontinence too... vertigo really badly some days....
and of course the lovely flashbacks... just a little icing on the cake isn't it!!!!! You and I have to stand strong( I'm using the word standing in the figurative sense)... we can't let all this do us in...
I was actually getting worried about you , hadn't seen any of your posts in a long time except for the odd reply to someone.... I'm glad you posted today....
The extra problem with all these "problems" is that they tend to isolate us... which makes everything 10 times worse!
Please email me when you feel up to it or if you need to talk to someone in the same 'boat'. ... I really do GET IT... and I know many members here do to... you are not alone although at 3 am. it sure feels that way... that is what is so great about Healing Well... you can come on here any time of the day or night and get some support... just writing it all out is helpful... painful... but emotionally good for us.
Take extra good care of yourself my dear friend....
Sending healing thoughts and prayers
Mary

Thanks Mary.

Well, time for an update ...

Lets see having been diagnosed slightly nuts, I made it into Category 1 on the Vocational Rehab waiting list. Ok must be more than slightly nuts because they didn't even need the diagnosis from the back doctor. Great now when do I get some help? Oh yeah waiting list ... smacking myself up side the noggin for that slip. Well I've made it through December with a little money left over. I keep thinking sooner or later my luck is going to ware out. Got a threat of foreclosure from good old Wells Fargo ... I'd tell you what I think about that but I like you guys too much to get my butt banned here. }:-> Think I'm developing a nice GAD ... or maybe it's a phobia like Mailopeningitis.

I didn't get my monthly bus pass this month but VR sent two day passes and I got one pass left. Think I'll volunteer at the Mission maybe Tuesday or Wednesday and do something useful. Everyone shows up for Christmas may be just after Christmas before New Years. I like that place, they do a lot of good. I still get confused every time they thank me for helping.

Merry Christmas,
Buddha