Fears for the future

So im 28 and im very single. I have had to move back home to live as i cant afford to rent. after surgery to remove my gall bladder as well as being put on Zoloft, i gained 30kgs in 3 months. My then boyfriend dumped me for being 'fat, ugly, not sexy anymore'. I am 6ft tall and until the age of 22 i was always underweight and used to get hassled about my lankiness.

I never lacked boyfriends- when i was skinny and confident i stayed in 3 long term relationships, all of which had elements of abuse and left me unhappy.

As soon as i stacked the weight on, all male interest in me disappeared. ive always been a tomboy, and been 'one of the boys' but not to the extent where no one would date me.

I have tried to diet- but the combo of AP meds and my Fibro and PCOS make it very hard to shift weight. I have come to hate what i see in the mirror and hate the body i am trapped in.

My friends are all married with cute kids and white picket fences and mortgages and company cars and they have their own lives. and though they try to include me, im acutely aware that i am the odd one out.

I live in a fairly rural district that is lacking quality men that meet my criteria (christian, non alcohol or drugs etc) and my agoraphobia prevents me from going further afield too often, so i dont meet new guys very often. and when i do, i feel like they are looking at me like im shrek. without the green skin.

is this all i have to look forward too? a life of solitude and boredom? i want someone to accept me for ME. i just want God to place someone in my path who is capable of accepting me and loving me, flaws and all.

is that too much to ask? im starting to freak cos im nearly 29 and as far as i can tell, the whole 'marriage' ship seems to have sailed. sorry for being negative, just not feeling ultra loved or special right now.

Maz XX

Dear Maz,

Kick those fears to the curb sweetie.  It is time to begin a new year and you need to get past the worry about your body image.  Now this advice is coming from someone who has been fixated on body image since she was 17. 

Because thin females and muscular males are seen as the ideal in our society and because we have come to believe that body size and shape are totally under a person's control, most people enter diet and exercise programs with unrealistic goals and expectations. If you continually strive to achieve a socially imposed ideal, you will never be free of your insecurities or your self-consciousness. You must truly realize and then learn to accept that we are not all meant to be fashion-model size.

I have gained 25 pounds since starting AD and I do not want to run into anyone who knew me before as I am sure they will assume I have really packed on the pounds by eating............and people can be stupid.  They will tell you right out.........."see you have porked up a bit."  OUCH. I understand you well.

For many people, life's problems are projected onto their body. "If only I were thinner......., I would have made the team, gotten the job, been chosen. . . . If only I were thinner-- I could meet more people, find the right guy, be happy." This self-defeating habit is reinforced by the images we see in advertising; your body becomes an easy target for everything wrong in your life.

Accept your size. Love and appreciate the body you have. Self-acceptance empowers you to move on and make positive changes. You need your meds.  :)

Recognize your unique attractivness.  I have seen you pictures...................you are beautiful .

Gentle Hugs to my friend,

Kitt

Hi Maz

I hope you find that special person that you are looking for, I know were you are coming from on this subject I have been single for 7 years and i am now 33yrs old I find it hard to meet girls as my anxiety gets so bad with the whole social anxiety issues i have. All my friends are getting married and having kids and i feel very depressed about the whole thing as i think like you time is running out, I dont want to grow old and end up on my own and really do hope i will meet the girl of my dreams and be able to settle down. I spend a lot of time thinking about this and get down about the whole thing and get upset that my anxiety is preventing me from having the confidence to go out and meet girls.

I really hope that you meet that special person Maz.

Take Care

Ben

Maz,

I've always admired those heavy women who are confident in their own beauty. You see them sometimes as models or on talk shows, but I've also lived in some cosmopolitan communities, and certain cultures seem to have much healthier ideas of women's body image than the American Hollywood view does. It's hard to accept that something you don't like has become a part of your life, though. Maybe you could try to replace every negative thought about your apeearance with something positive - I know it's tough, but maybe helps a tiny bit?

On the relationship side, I had written men off after a couple of bad (one abusive) relationships. Suddenly, my fiance appeared out of the blue. I know people are always telling this kind of story, and I thought it was lame too, when I didn't want to be single, but didn't live in a place with many opportunities. Yet it does happen that you can meet someone to care about when things seem bleak. I hope you do soon!

percycat

I didn't get married until my thirties, also. When you least expect it, the man of your dreams will show up. Also, a good point was made by someone else. We always tend to see flaws in ourselves that others probably won't. We're more critical of ourselves. Begin to accept yourself and maybe find something to keep your mind busy.

Hey there. Your ship has not sailed! Plenty of my friends waited until their mid thirties or later to get married and they have some of the happiest marriages out there. They really knew who they were and what they wanted from a partner and didn't settle. If you are looking for a serious releationship, I would suggest that you try one of the internet dating services or maybe even a christian singles group. It's hard to meet people once your out of school. I used to be skeptical about it, but 3 of my friends ended up getting married through meeting men on an internet dating service and another friend of mine is very serious and happy with someone she met online. Of course you have to be really careful, but I think the stigma with internet dating is starting to go away as people wait longer to get married and realize that mr right is probably not at the corner bar.

i really appreciate the support guys- when i was younger i never lacked male attention, i (for real) had the same body measurements as Elle Macpherson (im not arrogant, its just a fact- same measurements) and since i stacked on the weight, i have withdrawn as i see any potential suitors withdraw when they see i went and 'let myself go' as someone once told me.

so im still 6ft tall, but now im curvy- and because im assertive and confident and choosy, men run a mile. heaven forbid i have an opinion, an original thought, be intelligent- i dont want to be someones piece of meat or trophy wife.

i want someone to love me for my substance- i pray that i learn to love myself and give myself permission to be happy-

Maz XX

Maz,

Try the old list writing.............

Write down all the good things about you and look at that list and say "Hey I am a great person"

I am sure it is harder having been thin and then having to take meds that pack on pounds.  I was never thin but for once in my life.

OK, tis Monday here so heads up my friend.......and I might send you a laugh or too.

Hugs

Kitt

You need to take a vacation to a country that finds curvy beautiful. I spent a summer in Spain and at the time was underweight. Guys barely glanced at me. Now I have a friend who always thinks she is overweight and is tall like you and she had a LINE of guys at the clubs waiting to dance with her. So try Spain or Portugal lol.