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A little down today

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Posted 4/19/2009 3:52 PM (GMT 0)
Boy it sure seems as if things are really bothering me lately. I find myself a little grumpier lately, a little sadder, a little everything. I don't even know where to begin. When my mom passed in January we had to remove her from life support. I feel guilty about that! Even though the doctors said she would never be able to survive without the artificial life support and I know thats not what she wanted (to be maintained by machines), I still feel so much guilt. Did we take her off too soon, did the Morphine they gave her to make her more comfortable just do that or did it just o.d. her. This thought is always on my mind. And I really miss her so much cry I have held this in for so long, I just felt the need to get it out.
My oldest daughter won't speak to us. Why? I think its because we wouldn't do everything for her. Because we believe that if she would have shown some effort on her own, then definetly we would have helped her. We just wanted to see some effort on her part FIRST. She complained about taking public transportation, she just didn't know how she would get around this BIG city without a car (we live in the San Diego area). Her sister does it every single day. Her sister gave her a list of online job sites, and all of sudden she had a job where she used to live taking care of a paraplegic mann. Why did she leave her kids in the first place, if she had a job right there near the kids she could have taken? This job even provided a place to live. She wanted mommy and daddy to make life easy for her and since we didn't, she left without even telling us she was leaving. I have not spoken to her since. She even took her kids to visit step family that live only 1 hour away from me and didn't even call us for Easter or let us talk to the kids. It hurts, hurts alot. I wish I could talk to my Mom. I feel the need to make sure I never mistreated her like my daughter has us.

And then there is my health. I have a 33 year history with Crohns Disease. I have Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, and chronic pain somewhere in my body everyday. And yesterday found out that now my Cholesterol is high, so will have to work on lowering that. And that will not be an easy feat because my diet is limited because of my Crohns, I am very sensitive to supplements that might help, and am sensitive to some meds because of my delicate stomach. Can't win for losing sometimes.

Its just one of those times, when things just seem to be getting to me. I have a loving and supportive husband who knows all about my struggles and is always there for me. I just felt the need to vent and maybe get a little support from my friends. Don't worry I am not anxious or depressed, just having alot thrown at me in a short time. So my spirits are a little low today. I even feel bad about putting this on here, when others like our sweet Kitt are suffering so much right now. Thanks for taking the time to read this long thread and letting me get all this off my chest.
Posted 4/19/2009 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
You my friend are one of the most caring and supportive people I have every met. You are here for others and your words are always kind and yet helpful in a nonjudgmental way. You best come here anytime you need to ask for help or support...........we are your family and we understand where your coming from and what your going through.

I know you miss your Mom and you have those "what if" thoughts that haunt many of us when it comes time to say good bye to the ones we love the most and then we start to doubt ourselves after the fact. You did the right thing my friend. You respected your Mother's wishes. You let her have her diginity and you stopped all the unnecessary treatments that would not have cured her but made her suffer more. You did a loving thing and as many of us know it is we that are left behind that hurt the most.

Right now you are in so much pain over the rift between your daughter and you and your hubby that you just want to talk to your Mom and have her hold you and reassure you that it will all work out. Please know she is looking down on you right now and listen closely as she is saying just those special words you need to hear " It will be OK, I am right here with you".

I know what it feels like to not be able to see one of your children but my situation is different. I do know the times I have had spats with my daughter right here in town that I have suffered greatly and cried for days when she just ignored me and went on her happy way. So I understand your pain must be tremendous and I want you to know that I am here for you and I love you my Nanners, my friend.

You deserve the best and yet you struggle with so much, with your Crohn's etc and now to deal with the Cholesterol issue on top of all you have going on. You my friend have every right to vent and feel anxious and a bit depressed so no guilt, you have a right to your feelings.

I am glad you got it out and posted on here as sometimes just getting it down and asking for those hugs, prayers and support make a world of difference.

I know how much I have been helped by the support of the wonderful memebers here and I know you have always been here for me. I am here for you 100% of the time. You know you can email me anytime and give yourself a huge hug for me.
Posted 4/19/2009 4:18 PM (GMT 0)
Nanners

Sorry to hear you are feeling a little down today but I can see why after reading your post, you have had a lot to deal with over the last few months and I can see how that has had an affect on you. I think you are a wonderful person and you do so much to help others with your own family and the HW family, you are a strong person and im sure you will get through this down period and remember we are always here for you on HW and will support you so take care Nanners.

My thoughts are with you.

Hugs

Ben
Posted 4/19/2009 4:55 PM (GMT 0)
You are going through a very trying time right now, and any bit of help or support that we can offer is gladly YOURS. I can't imagine how you must feel, still grieving for your mother, but I know that everyone needs to grieve in their own ways and in their own time. You definitely tried your best to do what was right for her, but that doesn't make it hurt less that losing her doesn't feel like something that was right for you. Yet you made that difficult, loving choice anyway, and I'm so proud of you for putting her needs first.

The parent-child dynamic you have right now with your daughter must surely be bringing your own need to be parented very much to the fore. Lean on us: your husband, local firneds, HW friends, anyone you need to shoulder the burden for a bit, or just to recognize that hey, you are carrying one, and it hurts you.

I'm sorry that your daughter is adding to the anxiety and uncertainty of adjusting to your grieve. I'm also sorry to hear that your health is not top-notch right now. I wish you the best possible advise and treatment from your doctors.

On a minor note, are you able to tolerate fish oil capsules or garlic capsules? Both of those have helped my father and me to bring our cholesterol down some.

Also, I really get a lot out of having you on the forum, cheerful, down, or anyway you want to be. Your contributions always help me see things more clearly or click a little something that i need to think about. Thank you for being here.
Posted 4/20/2009 2:26 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Nanners,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through so much. So many loving people on here giving support humbles me. . . And you sure deserve it. Even after going through the death of your beloved mother and then the crisis with your daughter, you still came on HW with great advice and kept marching on helping others to heal and feel better. I am glad you feel that you can finally post all of this pain and allow us to give you back some of that love. You are such a wonderful woman and I have much respect for you my dear friend. You are a gem and light up everyone's lives that you touch.

I believe your lovely mother is with you still, looking down and giving all of the support she did in life. You are a good person and should not doubt that the tough decisions that fell on your shoulders were handled in the best possible way. Just the fact that you worry so much about this proves how honorable and good you are. The same goes for your daughter. . . You and your husband made a choice for a little tough love, and though there does not seem to be much progress right now, I'm sure when she reflects back to this period in her life after getting back to herself, that she will thank you for standing up for the morals you have instilled in all your children. You are right in this and will prevail as all wonderful mothers do.

I pray your health gets better along with some peace of mind. I am here for you always and only an email away when I'm working hard.

Many hugs to you!

Your Bro Sam
Posted 4/20/2009 2:33 AM (GMT 0)
A mega hug to warm and calm you- sorry you are having such a rough time of it, you know how much i adore you-
in my prayers-
Maz XX
Posted 4/20/2009 5:46 AM (GMT 0)
Nanners, I'm sorry you're feeling so badly! Sam was right that your mother is with you every step of the way. I truly believe that with all my heart! Please don't feel badly. I don't know what it feels like to have to go through what you have with a parent, must have been awful! I'm sure all the thoughts and feelings you're having are normal. Do you visit a therapist? If you do, make sure you discuss your mom and the guilt.

Also, promise me that you won't start any supplements or herbal remedies without asking a pharmacist first. You can also make an appointment with a registered dietician. He/she will be able to help you with the food side of lowering your cholesterol.

I will be praying for you! My thoughts and warm wishes are with you!
Posted 4/20/2009 2:38 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your kind words. I have really been holding alot in the past few months and really felt the need to get it out. It has affected me so much, that there have been times that I couldn't post to others because I couldn't find the words to express. Or I would be so grouchy that I was afraid I would say something awful. Last thing I would want to dosmile

I know my Mom is in a much better place, but you are all right with all the problems my daughter is causing I know that I am just wanting to ask her what do I do, and I really feel the need to know I never hurt her like this. I know I wasn't always the perfect daughter, none of us are, but I sure hope I never caused her this kind of pain.

I wish you guys could know how much I sacrificed especially for this daughter and I know she knows this. And her lack of appreciation and the ease she can turn her back on her parents really hurts. This is like the 3rd time in the past 3 years or so she has done this. Because of her actions, I have only seen my youngest granddaugher maybe 3 times in 4 years. And she is the mother of my oldest granddaughter who I have always been extremely close too. Luckily my granddaughter and I are able to text and talk on the computer and phone as she lives with her Dad. But I have little contact with her little brother or sister because they are too young and actually really don't know us as well, so its a little harder with them. It is very painful.

And then the battle I have had for over 30 years with my health just added into the mix, just gets to be too much. Thank you all for letting me vent, and being such wonderful friends to offer your comfort and support. (((GIANT HUGS))) to you all. P.S. I gave in yesterday and took my Xanax so I could move thru this and enjoy a sunny Sunday with my absolutely adorable husband, and I did Love you all!!!
Posted 4/20/2009 5:36 PM (GMT 0)
Your words are telling me you're still suffering. I pray that you find peace soon. You can not help how your daughter feels or what she is thinking. You already know this. Others on here have said that we should give our problems up to God. I'm thinking this problem you're having is an excellent one to let go and give it up to God.

Everything will turn out for the best. Your daughter is probably having issues of her own and perhaps they spill over into your relationship. Give it up to God and then give it time. Take care, Nanners!
Posted 4/20/2009 6:03 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Nanners, I so understand about taking your mom off life support. I went through this just last month. Although the decision seemed quite obvious (my mother never regained consciousness after her aneurysm burst) it was nonetheless the hardest thing I've ever done. And the days we spent at the ICU waiting for some glimmer of good news...Please know I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best!
Posted 4/20/2009 6:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Nanners -
Just sending a big HUG your way. It sounds like you have made the right decisions, but that doesn't mean that the decisions were easy or without their own pain. Aries had a great suggestion, "Let Go & Let God" - I have to remind myself of that often. I'm so glad that you found some enjoyment in the sunshine yesterday - hopefully many sunny days are on your horizon!
Posted 4/23/2009 12:14 AM (GMT 0)
I don’t know how I missed this post the first time around, but I do hope that you’ve found some comfort since you first posted here. I can see that you’ve had a heaping helping of love and support from everyone here…..not surprising, as this is such a supportive place to be.

I understand why you miss your mom so much. I still miss my mom, even though she passed away over ten years ago. There are many times when I long to talk to her, and to feel her unconditional love and hear her wise advice. Her presence still guides me, and I hope you feel the same from your mom, too. It has to be especially difficult for you, with the ongoing situation with your daughter, and with the distance from your grandchildren. I’m encouraged to see what a wonderful source of support you have in your husband….that makes me very happy for you. I know that sharing this with him must be comforting to you.

I have seen how incredibly compassionate and loving you have been in your posts to others here, and I can only imagine what love has poured from your heart as a mother. I agree with Sam’s comment about wonderful mothers prevailing, and I do believe that your daughter will see things in a different light once she has learned whatever lessons she is meant to learn in this situation. Please hold onto your faith, and know that things do come around when the time is right.

My heart goes out to you in your health struggles as well. It’s so hard to keep marching forward day after day, and sometimes it all seems overwhelming. When I read your comment about the cholesterol problem, I felt that I had to post this suggestion to you, and I hope it will be helpful. I have a long list of drug allergies and sensitivities, and the only thing I have been able to tolerate for my cholesterol is Red Rice Yeast. It does not affect me negatively the way other yeast products do….it is a different thing altogether. I am happy to say that my cholesterol is at a normal, healthy level now, thanks to this supplement….and much to the relief of my endocrinologist, who really panicked at my initial consultation because my LDL cholesterol level was one of the highest she had ever seen. Perhaps this would be a viable alternative for you…..if you feel like speaking to your doc about it. I promise you, I wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t have remarkable success with it myself. It’s been a Godsend for me.

Please hang in there, Nanners, and know that we all love you and care about you. I hope you are feeling better today.
Posted 4/23/2009 4:02 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Nanners,
I am ending my day by writing to you to tell you how wonderful you are and to let you know I understand how you feel.
Please know it is alright to give yourself permission to feel bad and to take the medication as I know you will only be taking it when you need it. Don't wait until you are so down you cannot see your way up to use your medication. I use mine when I need to and lately I have used it regularly after discussing it with my P-doc.

I am praying that your daughter gets over this latest snit and has an "aha" moment when she realizes how nasty she is treating you and also she is hurting her children by keeping them from their loving grandparents.

I can hear the pain in your post and I wish that I could be there to give you a hug in person and just sit and hold your hand.............let out those tears and then remember that you have done nothing wrong, your daughter has made some poor choices and you are paying for her choices. I know how unfair that is and yet I also know that we cannot control other people.
Keep on talking by email, texting or whatever to stay in touch with your one granddaughter.

I hurt for you my friend. Is it not time to kick the Crohn's Disease to the curb? Oh, shoot, guess you cannot do that.......... OK then, take care of you and please don't let yourself become anymore stressed as I do not want that Crohn's to flare up again.
I am here and I am praying and I have all my fingers and toes crossed too.
Love,
Kitt
Posted 4/23/2009 9:37 AM (GMT 0)
(((Nanners))) I am sending big hugs and prayers your way, my friend. I'm thinking of you. Blessings, Julie
Posted 4/23/2009 1:12 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone for your kind wordssmile
Posted 4/23/2009 3:32 PM (GMT 0)

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) Dear Nanners and know I am here for you always.

Kitt

Posted 4/25/2009 7:30 PM (GMT 0)
Nanners
I too had to take Dad off life support and then the probs with Cait and my health/total deafness.

I can relate to alot of what you are going thru and for that I am so bleeding sorry
I am sending you tons of huggs and wanting you too know you are truly cared for here by so many self included
Luvs
lyn
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