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Posted 6/27/2009 7:12 PM (GMT 0)
I just realised something today...I know that I suffer with anxiety, but I've just realised that my relationship issues are a result of the anxiety too...or maybe the anxiety is a result of my past. Tiny bit of background info...I was sexually abused as a child and ever since my childhood I have had an incredible fear of relationships. I can't stand to talk about boyfriends/relationships and certainly can't stand to listen to any conversations any of my friends might be having about their boyfriends/sex etc. I get incredibly uncomfortable and anxious. I have only ever had one boyfriend and that only lasted 3 months because of how I am. I couldn't even bring myself to hold his hand and as soon as he tried anything on with me I literally froze and could not move. No matter how much I wanted to run out of the room I just couldn't. I was so unbelievably anxious that it was like having a panic attack but not actually noticeably panicking on the outside (shaking etc) because I could not move - does that make sense?!

I'm just worried I might never move past this as I just cannot handle relationships or even the thought of having one.

Posted 6/27/2009 8:16 PM (GMT 0)

hi,

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles but i think the only way past this is too get the right kind of help. Be it counselling/therapy, and/or medication short term.

It's a big step forward being here and just being able to admit to what has happened. You can 100% get past this and one day have a fullfilling relationship, at 22 you still have so much ahead of you and it's great you're facing it now.

If you are frightened that digging up the past will result in painful memories being revisited it will only be short lived and once acknowleged can be let go of. You don't have to involve anyone else in the healing process, so if it was a family/friend that abused you, you need not worry about having to face them to get over it.

You are very strong to get this far and realise what your mind is telling you. Possibly a good book to read is Why People Don't Heal and How They Can, by Caroline Myss.

Take care and remember, while change is hard, it's worth the move.

Posted 6/27/2009 8:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hi qwerty,

Such a rough thing to deal with.
But facing your fears per say is the right thing to do. Seeing a therapist will be the one most effective way to get a chance to move on. I can't say that you will ever fully 100% get past this. As it says in the back of your mind for a very long time.

I was raped when I was 16. It took a very very long time to get over it. I still have my moments though. But I don't allow myself to think about what happened and instead I focus on the moment It allows me to separate the 2. It takes a lot of mental work. But I have done well.

If I let the 2 get associated, then my relationship would take a hard hit. And I do not want that to happen.

Therapy, journal, and being open with yourself about what has happened is a healing process to go through. Remembering and understanding it was NOT your fault. If you can't afford a therapist see if can confide in a girlfriend that is really close to you. Talk it out. Explain what has happened. Your feelings then and now. Your fears etc. Put it all on the table and just talking about it will shed new light on what has happened. And help you move on.

Big hugs

Cary-Ann
Posted 6/27/2009 9:38 PM (GMT 0)

If you can't afford a therapist see if can confide in a girlfriend that is really close to you. Talk it out. Explain what has happened. Your feelings then and now. Your fears etc. Put it all on the table and just talking about it will shed new light on what has happened. And help you move on.

Big hugs

Cary-Ann

Thanks to you both for your replies and support :-)

I have recently been meeting up with an older (and wiser!) friend who has been talking things through with me. I've mostly been struggling with the problems that my upbringing has caused (mainly the results of mistakes I've made through being so messed up) rather than the actual things that have happened. But I know its definitely something that needs dealing with. I have spoken to friends about it in the past..and to a counsellor once aswell. But never really got anywhere. Do you think its worth telling my friend who I have been meeting recently? I have told her that 'not very nice' things happened but not in any detail whatsoever as like I said we have only been talking through problems as a result, not the actual events that happened in my upbringing. Hope that makes sense.

Posted 6/27/2009 11:08 PM (GMT 0)
I was just passing through this forum. I usually spend all my time on the chronic pain forum. This thread caught my attention.

I was also abused as a child, then married a violent man, divorced and raised our child on my own. I had fears of relationships even after I met my husband Who I have been happily married to for 18 yrs. It wasn't easy. Sometimes its still a struggle to let my husband into my thoughts, mainly when I have nightmares and he wakes me up saying he loves me. I still refuse to tell him about my dreams.

You need to do some heavy soul searching. If you want a relationship you need to tell yourself that is what you are going to do. I was told the only person keeping me from being happy was myself...

I wish you luck

Laurie
Posted 6/28/2009 11:56 AM (GMT 0)

LLPLUV said...

You need to do some heavy soul searching. If you want a relationship you need to tell yourself that is what you are going to do. I was told the only person keeping me from being happy was myself...

So true...something I've had brought to my attention on more than one occasion recently. It's so easy to get bogged down with how you're feeling, and getting too used to things being the way that they are, and therefore stop yourself from doing anything much about it and ultimately being happy.

Thanks :-)

Posted 6/28/2009 2:08 PM (GMT 0)
Qwerty,

I am so sorry for what happened in your life. I really think that therapy with a trained therapist/psychiatrist would be the best person for you to talk to about this issue. Your friends can help, but only so much. I think thru therapy you can start to move past these fears.

Also, I have Crohns Disease myself and that issue alone can cause you to feel very alone too. Who wants to hear about your bowel problems, so I feel your pain there. So even a therapist who deals with chronic illnesses will benefit you.

Sending healing prayers and thoughts your way.

Big Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 6/30/2009 10:28 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

It looks to me that you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder because of the traumatic event that happened to you as a child. It can be very rough as it can interrupt with normal living as what has happened to you. What you can do is to talk to someone you trust such as your friends or family. You can also go to support groups so as to share your experiences and feelings with people who also have similar experiences with you. And you can even join clubs where you can share your interests with other people.

As for the opposite sex, you can feel comfortable with them if you interact with them in informal settings such as in clubs, outings or parties. Realize that not all guys are bad. In fact, you may even befriend a guy or two and even develop a romantic relationship with him.

Regards,
atvsamala
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