Anybody even have an existential kind of terror?

I guess it can kind of go hand in hand with derealization. But I just got hit with another bought of this type of anxiety where i just feel so much terror and dread and loneliness because it's like i don't know who i am and where i am going and nothing seems totally real. it's horrible as you can imagine. i guess there may be some depression in there as well. but i think it's mostly anxiety. i've actually struggled for the last 3 years almost, but in the last year and a half have felt more better than worse.

i have OCD among other things and i started taking zoloft about 11 years ago as a result. i just decided to get off the zoloft about 2 1/2 months ago because of my weight and the fact that i seemed terribly angry all the time. well, i managed to come off it with very little in the way of withdrawal symptoms amazingly (i was on the highest dose of 200mg). and every since stopping the medication my wife thinks i am a different person, in a good way. i am much nicer, patient, more talkative and interested in her. my sex drive is back as well. and i have been very affectionate. in the last 2 1/2 months i have also not had any real anxiety or depression. plus, with the help of exercise and weight watchers i have lost over 12 pounds in the last month.

but yesterday it came back. i think it partially started because i was obsessing about my wife's feelings about me (for the first time really since we've been together) and whether or not she still loved me and if she was being faithful. anyway, i am terrified of going back on the medication. i just don't want to do that. but i haven't really used any natural methods before and i am panicked that i won't be able to keep the anxiety at bay long enough to learn. and of course i just don't like feeling this way at all. i think i may need to try something like a benzo to help me with these spells. but i worry about any medication now frankly. and i'm now obsessed with all this negative thinking again about losing my family if this won't go away, but if i take medication i'll lose them anyway because my wife and i almost split a couple months ago because of how insensitive i was.

anyway, thanks for listening. i was mainly just trying to see if anyone else has this kind of anxiety where you just feel like the world becomes really dark and scary and you feel helpless and feel like you're going to lose your mind and never be able to function normally again. it's like i'm in a nightmare that i can't wake up from.

i've had long periods where things have been just fine (especially the 8 or so years after i started zoloft). and i think one of the best times in my life was during college. even though there was a lot of stress and emotion, i felt more connected to the world than ever and had very little anxiety. at least until graduation. so it gives me some hope. but i think part of problem is 'the real world.' i struggle with lots of responsibilities, like what comes along with a family and professional job. however, i have been out of work for 8 months and my wife is now working. that i am sure has something to do with all of this. but wasn't a huge problem until yesterday.

thank you, aries, for the reassurance. it definitely helps! i will try and keep the thoughts in check. i think my biggest problem might be my OCD brain that fixates on everything. and ruminating leads to all this anxiety. very hard to fix. but i do have some good books - like "Brain Lock"

thanks, kitt. i've seen you all mention that site before several times here. i will definitely give it a shot.

thanks, anastasia! your story gives me great hope. that was my experience when i was younger. my anxiety and derealization issues really started when i was 15 but after a year or so i managed to get through it for the most part and be happy. and then it almost seemed to go away completely during my college years. so i am hoping i can recover with the help of my family, positive thinking and places like this. thanks again.

thanks again, kitt

anastasia - i forgot to ask you what kinds of things helped you recover. anything in particular, or just time?

thanks

thank you so much for the words of encouragement jazzy! and for sharing your story. i am still considering getting a benzo in case things get really rough. i am doing a little better at the moment. mornings are hard. gets better by the end of the day. after i have one of these 'spells' is usually takes me quite a while to shake it off. i'm just trying to hang in there and stay positive. and i keep reminding myself i am not taking anything at all so if i can get through this it will be a real accomplishment and possibly better for the long haul. thanks again.

thanks, mazz. i am going to work on getting into therapy next week. i need a pro i can talk to regularly.

thanks, nanners! i've been feeling better the last few days. now just trying to deal more with some of the new OCD symptoms that are cropping up since i stopped my meds (superstition, fear of unfaithfulness, etc.) and some new emotions that i haven't had in a loooong time. the meds kinda flattened me out and made me not care as much about some important things. and now i care too much. i think it's going to be a bit of a roller coaster and learning experience for a while. but i'll press on. i feel ultimately i am a better person off the meds. then again, different meds do different things and maybe a different one or combo sometime later might work better. we'll see. thanks again.