Okay, so pardon my rambling....but I really need to get this out, because I'm going crazy.
I am having TERRIBLE anxiety over a recent breakup. I am a 27-year-old bisexual female who was involved with a 25-year-old ***. It is not my first relationship with a woman, however, it was probably the most solid relationship with a woman that I have ever had and I really felt like it might go somewhere. We were only together for six months but the first 3-4 months were incredible. She calmed me down when I was around her....we did all of the things a couple would do, like go to the grocery store, cook dinner, watch movies, go out for sushi, etc. I saw the world in her eyes and her in mine.
Recently, she started pulling away from me....there was cuddling and intimacy emotionally, but nothing physical happening....and one night admitted over the phone that she felt like I cared more about the relationship than she did...that I was putting forth more effort. She told me she felt "lost" like she didn't know who she was anymore, but that she loved me and couldn't bear to think about me not being in her life.
Things started getting tough after that--she felt terrible for hurting me and wanted to try harder, but I never felt like she was putting forth the effort that she should have been if she cared in the way she did. I always felt like I loved her TOO much and wasn't getting the same in return. She wanted more time to herself and at the end, even asked for one night/week to spend the night and MAYBE see each other a few other times during the week, but not stay over. To me, that wasn't a relationship, especially considering I'm busier than she is and I could still make time for her.
After much arguing, crying, etc. we decided to go on a break. I didn't want the break, but the only other option she gave me was a breakup. She said, let's take a month away from each other (it's more like 5-6 weeks) and reunite at the end of September and see where we are at..."no guarantees, but if I see the happy, positive girl I met and not the anxious, insecure girl you have been, chances are better that something might work out."
I haven't heard from her in a week....not even a simple text. We have "no rules, no regulations, etc." on the break, but I wake up every morning with a pit in my stomache, not wanting to get up and spending the entire day fighting off tears until I get home at night and lose it. I feel warm, sick, and fatigued. I can't be alone--friends have been spending the night at my place and if I am alone, I take Xanax because the anxiety is tearing me up inside. I am also on Paxil, as I have upped my medication, due to this breakup.
My stomache always hurts, I can't eat, can't sleep through the night....I'm not happy, can't "fake" happy and I am scared of letting it affect my job. The anxiety is KILLING me...I'm depressed and anxious, so while I know I should get out and get my mind off of things, I can't get off the darn couch.
I miss her so much and it's taking all of my urge not to call her/text her. I know that will only be harmful, but I hate not knowing if she misses me at all....or if she is just fine...because I am CLEARLY not. I have a therapist, but she is on vacation, so I am going to walk-in counseling this afternoon....even though I know what I have to do to keep myself busy, I can't seem to make myself do it. All I can think about is her and the anxiety is overwhelming me....what can I do to get over this anxiety/depression I have over losing her and not knowing what is going to happen during this month-long "break?"
Friends have told me to act like we are done, and move on. They have also said "get out" and find things to do...exercise, etc. Nothing seems to be working.
~Tiny~ 
Post Edited (TinyDancer94) : 8/25/2009 8:59:02 AM (GMT-6)