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Posted 9/21/2010 10:22 PM (GMT 0)
Alright well like I said in my other post I did cave in and call my old psychiatrist to set up an appointment to hopefully start up again on some meds which might do the trick.  But the only problem is is that I have this inner fight with myself all day.  I feel fine sometimes, I feel ok others, then others I really feel like I need something to calm my thoughts.


What are my thoughts?   My thoughts are who am I anymore?  Where am I going?  Am I going to ever make it in the "real world"?  Will I ever be able to hold down a good job?  Am I ever going to finish school?  Am I giong to need therapists the rest of my life?  Why can't I sleep?  Why do I watch myself?  Why can't I be like everyone else?

These are the pointless questions that swim through my head all day.  But it's weird, at times I feel alright and like I don't need meds but then others I feel sooooo far gone and lost.  The worst is the feeling like I'm floating and feel like my head's not even here.  Feel like I'm just spectating and my body is just autopiloting around.

The only reason I'm questioning my move to seek out my psychiatrist was because today I had to go pay off my debt for the psychologist I seen twice in the last 2 weeks.  The doc was awesome, he sat me down and just talked for a half an hour for free.  It wasn't even about anxiety and how he could help me, it was about where do I go from here.  He said he was sorry I couldn't afford it anymore.  He gave me a few recommendaitons of alternatives that might be cheaper, he even gave me a number for the state service center that will help me find a job.  When I brought up that I was going to see my pdoc and hopefully start on medicine he got upset.  He said there's no way that I need it and that I'm so much better off then I think.  Reminded me of the changes I'm making with school and how I'm actively filling out applications and looking for jobs, and how I've been able to been off it for 3 months.  He said in his professional opinion I need a "life coach".  Someone to just steer me in the right way, not someone who is just going to sit there and listen to me for 15 min and then prescribe a cure in pill form.  As much as I agree with him, and I really do, I just don't know.  I just doubt that I can beat this by myself so much because I've just let myself down so far.  But IDK, I really don't.  I sit around a lot just bored out of my mind just watching TV.  Really don't have much motivatino to do anything and when I'm around friendsa nd family I don't feel any connection.  But this therapist swears I'm not "clinically depressed", he swears I'm just extremely overly anxious and that's what is causing this.

He seemed pretty genuine and he wasn't really even trying to push for me to stay with him.  He wanted me to go to this cheap alternate therapy option for now which he gave me the number for, something I'd be able to afford while I'm still job searching.  And personally, I agree with his approach.  I agree it's not a magic pill thats gonna do it for me, it's going to be lifestyle changes.  I just don't know which ones to make or if I have the strength to do it.

So now I'm at this point yet again.....go on meds tomorrow or to not?  I swear I could definetly benefit from a nice sleeping pill at the very least, that's what gets me is my total lack of rest.

Posted 9/21/2010 10:38 PM (GMT 0)
Mike,  I would stick to your original plan and see your  Pdoc.  A sleeping pill is not the cure all to your problems but perhaps your Pdoc can guide you.  When I am feeling great I think I do not need meds or therapy but when I bottom out  I know better so I accept who I am.  I accept help and if that includes medication then I will stick with it. 

"Life coaching scares me a bit  - there are two ways you can become  a life coach.   The first is to learn in life, and find solutions. Those solutions that you found in the midst of adversity are worth there weight in gold. When you can bring this to the benefit of others, often you will find great rewards The other route is not as hard or time consuming and that is to get certified as a life coach."  This seems to leave the field open for anyone who want to try their hand a being a life coach.

JMHO 

 

Kindly,

Kitt
Posted 9/21/2010 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Kitt I have 2 questions that are floatin through my head currently, probably have some more as time goes on....lol

1 - The therapist I most recently saw who tld me I dont need meds. I told him i was on cymbalta nad he said thank godI didnt get hallucinations from it, his exact words were "If you didn't have hallucinations before the cymbalta, when u start takin it you sure as hell would". So yea, thats my worry about those kinda meds. The fact that statistically suicide rate increases and hallucinations and crap increases.

2 - What if I can never accept taking medicine? I don't think I ever can, I try as hard as I can. I do my best to try and accept I might need it, but even when I cave in and want to take medicine (like now), I only accept the possibility of it being for a short period of time. There's no way I can even think of taking it forever. The meds can **** me up bad mentally over time, these meds aren't tested. I'm really uncomfortable taking this stuff, but it's just a last ditch resort at this point.
Posted 9/22/2010 1:49 AM (GMT 0)
Mike- I don't know you well enough and I don't have a medical degree so I have no business giving you advice about whether or not to take meds. This is just my opinion. You sound like a young man with a lot of sorting through to do. Not unusual at all for someone your age. You care about things and so you want to know you are making the correct choices. It's stressful and you are feeling it. I have suffered with anxiety all my life and never found a magic pill. Talk therapy is best for me. Even if that just means getting things off my chest to people who care about me or on a message board such as this. I wish you all the best in finding peace. I think you are going to be a very successful man one day.
Posted 9/22/2010 3:09 AM (GMT 0)
Have you gotten betterin dealing with these problems over time RA? How long did it take you to start learning how to deal or manage the anxiety? Liek I've said before in my posts, I've been depressed before so I'm no stranger t othat. It's this anxiety and the feeling of unreality that's driving me mad and really making me super depressed. I actually liked the therapy sessions and being able to talk about stuff because they would give me great advice on what to do as far as schooling/jobs, things of that nature. But nothing makes this headache, floating, unreality feeling go away, nothing
Posted 9/22/2010 3:50 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Mike - Hi! I was so moved by your messages that I wanted to write to you to say that I think you are very brave writing down your feelings for all to see. Atleast you are really trying to do whatever it takes to feel better. You know that headache, floating, unreality,......part of that could be the meds and side effects. I am Bi-Polar and after many, many trials, my psychiatrist found that I just could not tolerate anti-psychotic meds and that I was very sensitive to medicine. If there were any possible side effects to a medicine, I would get them. Everyone reacts to different medicines differently. Talk to your doctor immediately and tell him exactly how your meds make u feel and u don't like it. Tell him could u and him work together to maybe try some other option on the meds. Tell him u just cannot tolerate the way it is making u feel. When u are feeling anxious,...don't sit alone. You just can't! Call a friend or family member. Go out for a shake with a friend. Invite a friend over to listen to music or watch a movie. Do anything but sit there,...it only gets worse when u do that. I was interested in u after reading one paragraph,....I'm sure people think u are an interesting person, too so get up, get out,....be around someone,....go for a walk, go to a lake, I want u to be okay.
Good luck, Mike,......u r going to start doing better cause I am going to say a little prayer,......it can't hurt, huh? OK. Be strong. Be safe!
Posted 9/22/2010 3:05 PM (GMT 0)
Mike,

I know how hard it is to accept that you have  anxiety and depression as I fought it for years and in all truth I still fight it as I hate the idea that this is part of my life.  I am always looking for the easy answer and there is none.

Should you take meds,  should you use supplements,  will relaxation help,  how about being hypnotized.............I have done them all.  Sometimes I am just better and then boom it hits all over again.   So I keep trying.  What works for one does not always work for all.

It feels to me like you have a lot of anticipatory anxiety as the "what ifs"  spin through your mind.  This is the one thing I have to constantly be aware of and not let myself continue to try to out guess if I have made the right decisions.

As for the therapist you speak of here in the thread -  sounds a bit to me like this person has increased your anxiety with the comments made.............wonder why a therapist would speak to you that way ??? Yes medications have side effects but not everyone will experience all the side effects.  I have run through many medicaitons and stopped med because I did not think I could get past the side effects................I finally bit the bullet and I am now on a medication that works for me - most of the time.  Like a pain pill,  AD meds will not make you anxiety or depression free but for some people they help you to keep on with your daily life.

You have recieved some great advice for alternatives to meds so perhaps this is the road to choose and also find a new therapist, one that supports you  - not one who causes you more anxiety. 

Keep on talking with us as we are all here for you.

Kindly,

Kitt

Posted 9/22/2010 5:11 PM (GMT 0)
I can certainly relate to the idea of not wanting to be on medication your whole life. I used be very adamantly opposed to any psychotropic medication. I was afraid of all the side effects and made jokes like "Clearnose... find peace of mind and stop your runny nose. Side effects may include nausea, blindness, broken bones, stroke, or sudden death. Clearnose... you don't have to suffer with a runny nose any longer."

It's true that everyone responds to medications differently and you can have a horrible experience with one but a wonderful response to the next. We're all individuals and unfortunately sometimes we have to find the right approach through trial and error.

I spent a long time only accepted and considering all-natural remedies. After I was in the ER for a second time following a two-hour long panic attack that I just could not get to stop I was so desperate that I finally accepted traditional medication as a last resort. The first drug I tried made me worse. The side effects made me more anxious, I lost my appetite completely, and couldn't even walk on my own accord. I was literally crawling if I moved at all. I got off that medication and on to a new one and am 100 times better. I only have two side effects: really vivid dreams (which I think are really interesting) and trouble focusing (which given how much better I otherwise feel I have no problem with). So you have to be patient and find the right combination of treatments (therapy, different meds, etc.) that will work best for YOU.

I have a new attitude about meds now. I used to think they just masked the symptoms without dealing with the cause of the problem. Now I realize that they mask the symptoms in order to give you time and freedom to address the cause of the anxiety through things such as counseling. Counseling is a long-term solution and medication can be a short-term solution. Don't worry about being on medication for the rest of your life. But instead allow your "however much time" you need to work through the counseling process and allow the meds (once you find the right ones) to help buy you time. As you work through things in counseling you can then reduce and hopefully stop taking the medication. In the meantime if you're pressuring yourself about the possibility of being on meds forever you're only giving yourself more anxiety and with no proof that you will indeed need to be on them for life.
Posted 9/22/2010 5:34 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone. One thing that I really cannot deal with is my inability to focus and thats what I still had when I was on the cymbalta. And maybe I wasn't SOOO depressed on the cymbalta, maybe it worked. I feel like it was only better during when I took cymbalta because I was in a new job and was excited about learning it and was focusing on something outward and not myself. As time went on and I realized how much I actually disliked the new job and how much of a liar and dishonest it made me feel (my job was retention, talking people into staying enrolled into an autoship program) I really began to go downhill. It got to the point where I didn't even want to go to work and prove anything to anyone anymore. I had to leave and I did, but I did so without having anything else lined up.

So this is why I think my depression and anxiety is flaring up on me now. I really don't think it's becasue of the lack of cymbalta, I really think it's because of the lack of therapy (I had to stop seeing my therapist during my last 3 months at the job due to scheduling conflicts), lack of motivation, and lacking a feeling of worth. I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself about my work, I always have. It's because thats been the one thing I could always hang my hat on.

People ask you in therapy all the time. What do you like about yourself? The one thing over the years I have loved about myself, and absolutely gave myself so much credit for was my ability to focus, do the right thing, and my work ethic. I've never been overly social, I've never been great at relationsihps, heck never even been in one. But I'm an insanely loyal person, an awesome friend, and one hell of a worker (when my heads on right). But now when anxiety strips me of these things, and these therapists ask me what do I like about myself.....there's nothing left. All those traits I used to liek about myself feel like they've gone
Posted 9/22/2010 8:51 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Mike,

I liked your post and I am going to encourage you to write down your strengths and tape it to your refrigerator so you can easily see it.  

You have the ability to focus

You have a Strong Work Ethic

You have Integrity

You are a loyal friend.

May I add a few I sense from reading your post:

You are knowledgeable

 

You are insightful

 

You are kind

 

You are proactive

 

You are brave

 

Gentle Hugs to you,

 

Kitt

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