This sucks! Not having a good day at all!

I am not having a good day at all, well not having a good few weeks. This sucks! My whole life consists of anxiety, when is it coming back? I can't enjoy my life because my whole day/night consists of that butterfly feeling in my belly like I am anxious for something or about something, when I didn't even think I was, tired of getting that dizzy feeling. Tired of hearing people say "just stop thinking that way" easier said then done!!

I am tired of not being able to enjoy my 2 year old boy, whom I used to enjoy every moment, I want to enjoy every moment. I miss the old me!!! Why did i have to get anxiety??? How do I get rid of it?? I wish there was such a cure!  I am just plain tired of feeling "not like me" ALL THE TIME!!!! Maybe I need antidepressants! Didn't thinkI needed them before, but now I just plain hate my life when I can't enjoy it!!

I went for a long walk behind my house today with my boy, had fun taking pictures and just taking it all in because I was feeling great, then wack it hit me, can't see my house anymore, just the lake and a whole lotta trees, anxiety!!!! Felt like I was going to have a heart attack because we had a hard walk back and my chest kinda hurt, but not until I thought about it, then it took everything to get back to the house without collapsing. Someone please help, this just plain sucks! I have tried deep breathing, doesn't work for me, all day I have been trying to be mad at my anxiety saying, in my head of course, "bring it on! give me the best you got! If you are gonna make me stop breathing or have breathing problems make it good" I have been so mad at my self for having this problem and making it a bruden to my husbands life, my life and my poor sons life! Please help!

Sorry for venting,it just feels good to have someone who understands! And not just telling me to stop thinking that way! 

Hi Grady! I understand the desire to be the wife and mother that you long to be! One thing that I have learned through my journey though, is that this is a part of me. I didn't choose it, I'm going to do my best to heal from it, but I'm going to accept it and not feel guilty or shameful about it. I think the dread of having A/P was feeding into the cycle of it for me. I tried to deny it, hide it, fight it, but ultimately had to face it and do the work to beat it. I worked two courses of CBT and learned so much! I am panic-free at this point, and that is nothing short of miraculous considering where I started from. I still have to work on managing my anxiety, but I can accept that as a part of who I am-everybody has some kind of issue (hey some of us have the entire subscription ha-ha!) If you haven't tried therapy, I encourage you to do so. If you have, maybe it's time for a booster course. I know that it is hard to find the time to do this. I had to leave my young daughter at my mother's house in order to go to my sessions. I just wanted everything to be alright and to spend time with her, but that wasn't going to happen until I got help. Think of this as a long term investment into your family:)
I wish you the best,
Scaredy Cat

i'm going through i similar experience as you right now. i have a baby on the way and i am dealing with my second bout of anxiety and my first with depression. i often say i wish i was back to the "old me". i'm just at the beginning of my journey through anxiety and depression but the one thing i have learned so far is that you need to accept this part of you and get the help you need to get through this. There is nothing wrong with having anxiety, there is nothing wrong with admitting that you have anxiety, there is nothing wrong with getting the help you need to get you through this. Check into seeing a therapist or pdoc, you are not alone. It really helps to have something like a coach to teach you how to deal with this anxiety.

i have the same thoughts about my wife too, she is my rock and i couldn't imagine this fight without her, but yes i too have the thoughts that she will get fed up with me and leave. But this is your anxiety talking to you.

as far as the panic attacks, those are tough, the way i deal with them is basically to just stop whatever i'm doing take a deep breath, sometimes close my eyes and confront the thought that gave me the panic attack in the first place, as mine are generally sparked by some thought, though mine are more mental panic attacks rather than physical.

Thank you so much Fugs and Geosojda for replying to my rants, you guys make me feel better about myself and this whole anxiey thing. I have been doing some research on it and I haven't got much information that doesn't cost anything as to how to make them stop or atleast cope with having them. Everything cost money on all the websites that has books to sell on how to manage anxiety and make the attacks less and less. I have come to realize that this is never going to go away, I am going to have to do more research as to how to live with this. It sucks, but there must be a way to live with this, Fugs you say an attack peaks and then it comes down, what if I think about it all day that I feel as though I havean attack comming on 5 times or more a day, is that normal? Or is this just because this is all new to me and I feel anxious all day? I am a bit confused, am I really bad?

Geosojda, how do I just deal with an attack? I have tried deep breathing and it doesn't seem to make them go away, well maybe for 10 mins ir so until I think about it again. There doesn't seem to be anything in particular that triggers it, it just comes into every thought, everytime I turn my tv on it triggers it. I tell myself to "just stop thinking about it" and that doesn't work.

Maybe I need extra help! :(

Thank you ScaredyCat, that is exactly what I want to be is the best mom/wife I can be! I don't even know where to start when it comes to CBT, can this be done online or do I have to actually go somewhere? Where would one go? A hospital? To stay? I didn't think it was that bad, I get anxiety over the thought of having to have to go to stay at another hospital, I was in there for 2 and a half weeks when I was pregnant with my baby as I had preeclampsia and I was induced 6 weeks earily. The nurses there had me thinking I was dying and I told my husband "sorry,but no more kids for me" & I would love to have more,but the thought of that maybe happening again scares me and now that I have this new issue it is def a "no" I would never make 9 months! I too have the subscription-haha!

Thank you everyone for all your words of encouragement! My husband has seen me on the web site quite a bit and I had told him that this was the best place togo when I feel down and feel like this is a hopeless situation.

Thanks everyone and take care!

grady2008 said...
Thank you so much Fugs and Geosojda for replying to my rants, you guys make me feel better about myself and this whole anxiey thing. Fugs you say an attack peaks and then it comes down, what if I think about it all day that I feel as though I have an attack comming on 5 times or more a day, is that normal?

Your welcome. I was a little confused by your question. Are you saying that you are having five attacks a day or that you're afraid of having five a day? There are times when you'll think an attack is imminent and then it dissipates if that's what you mean. I consider that a success. It means you stopped a would-be attack!

Yes, they also do often peak or plateau might be a better word. You usually notice some physical sensation that occurs BEFORE the actual attack begins that tells you "it's coming!". The warning may only be a second or two - but you usually get something even if you don't realize it at first. Personally, I get a hot flush and 100% of my attention is immediately drawn towards the center of my body. Try to identify what your first physical signs are. The sooner you can start your breathing or other calming exercises (like reminding yourself that it's OK to be scared right now, but that you are indeed in a safe place) the better. Once the attack starts it will gradually get stronger until it peaks (this could take mere seconds or it could be longer). Some attacks will be stronger than others, some will last longer, and different ones may have different symptoms. But in time they will always go away. No panic attack will last forever - and everyone you survive is proof that you can survive the next one. I had one that lasted two hours (no exaggeration) and I'm still here!

As far as thinking about it all day - how can you not? It's scary and you nobody WANTS to panic. But the more you think about it the more likely you are to panic. It's like you're telling your body "I know this is going to happen, so let's just do it already" and you're body sooner or later says, "OK... if that's what you want". Hope that answers your question. If not lemmeno (let me know).

good for you! glad you had a good day, let these remind you that you can still have good days!

I have a similar problem as you, as i tend to think about my depression.anxiety all day if i don't have anything to get my mind off it, and even if i am occupied the thoughts still randomly pop into my head. I'm working with my therapist to catch these thoughts early and "zap" them before they catch a hold in my head and stay there. I think my panic attacks generally result from my depression and depressive thoughts, so my best defense is to hit the thoughts when i know they are leading to a panic attack, it doesn't stop the attack but it takes it down a notch. i generally have my attacks when i am alone left with my thoughts, so i have the opportunity to shut down for a few minutes to let it pass. Sounds like mine are a little different from yours, you may just have to take some ideas from here and figure out what works for you.

It really helps to get a therapist to help coach you through this. In my experience its just like going to any other doctors office, and its nice to know that you aren't alone and you aren't that bad. i usually go once a week to once every other week for an hour. Check out the moodGYM <-- just google that, its a good start to identify the thoughts that started the anxiety.

Keep your head up, keep us posted and have another good day!