small rant just to get it off my chest.

hey guys, back with more issues (surprise!). Don't expect anybody to read this or anything, it just feels good to write it all down and have it out there, you know?

my mother is driving me insane lately. i love her to death but she is so hard to get along with.. she always yells FIRST, then explains later.. but by the time I understand why she's angry, she's already blown up on me. the smallest things set her off and she always spins it to mean that I don't respect her and that I don't care about anybody but myself.. but it's little things, like me dying my hair brown a few weeks ago.. I'm 19 years old, by the way. I honestly didn't think she'd care (she had never expressed anything to suggest it) and yet when I came home she yelled and carried on and threatened me, telling me I was selfish and that I was disrespectful! The most annoying part is when I sense a fight coming on, I try to back down and say "I don't want to fight about this", but she says "I don't care, we're GOING to fight about this!".. Yet when I have something to say to her and she doesn't want to hear it, she screams at me to get out of her face and threatens me.

it's all so hard to handle last week she was playing with our puppy and he was running around the house..then he pooped on the carpet. She started raging and came into my room (where my boyfriend and I were playing xbox) and started yelling at me for not helping her. I asked "help you with what?" and she said, "I called for you at least three times!" but I didn't hear a thing! neither did my boyfriend! and she was just in the hallway and I swear to God I didn't hear her call me, and when I said that she says "Oh no of course you didn't, you always have a F-ing excuse, don't even talk to me right now". I hate the way she carries on, especially when I have somebody over. She doesn't even tone it down when I have my boyfriend or friends over... And as a result they all think she's insane. I don't like knowing that people think badly about my mother.

it's so confusing! i wish I could just sit down and talk to her but whenever I do it turns into a fight.. nothing I do is ever good enough.

Hi Lulu,

I am sorry to read that your Mother is so angry and confrontational right now.  I am wondering how old she if and perhaps some of these is hormonal for her.

Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.

Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

My step-mother always pushed my buttons when I was living at home and in highschool, oh so many years ago.  I could not say anything right.  If I was a few minutes late getting home she would be waiting at the door for me - we are talking 15  minutes.  She once even came out to the car and opened the door to tell me to get inside the house.  Embarrasing.  At 17 years old I did not have the skills I have learned over the years so I would react only to come out on the bad end. 

Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. My Mother got me everytime but now I have learned to not react when someone is so angry as you cannot have a conversation with an angry person.

I wish you well.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

 

Hey Lululiya,

Wow... that sounds like a really difficult and frustrating way to live. I have a good friend whose mother acted similarly. She told her children when they were about your age that she wanted them to move out and when they did they were told to call in advance if they wanted to visit. There was always yelling and screaming and neighbors wondering what was going on. She never wanted to bring anyone but her very closest friends over. Those of us who had met her family, she then felt all the more connected to because we appreciated how she was living and why she felt the way she did. Further it served as proof that we were true friends as we didn't go running for the hills.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even in the midst of chaos there can be a light. If your boyfriend or other friends are still by your side then that tells you something about them and those relationships. For the record, when my friend was ready she moved out in time they began to build an actual relationship (not the greatest, but much healthier than before).