Going crazy??

Hi all!

I'm scared to ****. And I got obsessed by it and just research about schizophrenia. And I think i read too much about it. I know every single symptom of it. And I'm scared that i might get auditory/visual hallucinations. I fear that i'm going crazy. Sometimes i ask myself if I'm already crazy, and then i start question reality and ask myself "Did that sound really happened is that person really there or am i insane person and imagining it". This get's me really depressing and it starts my anxiety and even more fear. I'm scared to death, that my questioning of reality is start of psychosis :(
But I'm so scared that I'm loosing my mind. I know that this is irrational fear. But I've always been imaginitive person but now I fear when irrational thought pops on my mind and I immediately assume I'm crazy.

I think I read too much on the internet and that I got obsessed by that darn schizophrenia :(

When I'm alone in room I don't hear any voices or anything, but when for example car passes by I fear that i might have hallucinated. And every morning I wake up in fear that this will be the first day i start hearing voices etc. And I always fear that if someone looks at me that I did something crazy person would do and that's why someone looked at me.

Please help me,

best regards,

Bruno.

<EDIT>  Rule 1: No dicussion of  illicit drug use or exchange is allowed. Thank you for your understanding.

 

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 9/29/2010 9:06:42 AM (GMT-6)

Hi there,

Sorry for going against the rules.

What are sx and what I'm having? :(
Do you think I'm suffering from some severe mental illness or am I just being anxious?

Thanks for advice about doctor I'm visiting him as soon as possible.

Bruno

Hi Scaredy Cat,

Thanks for your kind reply. I know: I'm reassuring myself whole the time that I'm not going crazy and not loosing touch with reality, but actually paying to much attention to it by questioning my surroundings. :( I've noticed that every sound irritates me, which makes my sleep pretty bad. And my sight is disturbed as well. I notice every slight movement and especially lights in the corner of my eye, and each time that happens I got so scared I think "Ok, that was my first psychotic episode." :(

I completely replaced my rational thinking, an the always funny and cute person, for this person that is depressed, and needs to reassure himself that thoughts that are popping in to my mind are irrational.

But it scares me. Could this be the beginning of the psychocis? I know I'm repeating myself and asking kinda stupid question but I desperately need help. Cause here in Croatia, psychiatrists just take people's money while they talk on phone and not doing anything, especially not listening and actually feeling with patient. And after that they just prescribe you anti-depressant. :/

Best regards, Bruno.

Scaredy Cat is right. Your body is trying to tell you something. It's asking for help. Be sure to listen. I also agree that you're probably only going to scare yourself further by reading more about schizophrenia or anything else that you "could potentially" have. I also think that it would be smart to see a professional. Are there any hospitals or agencies that do psychiatric evaluations in Croatia? Or even in a neighboring country..?

Schizophrenia is frequently misunderstood and confused by people with other mental illnesses. But you are right in that a big component of it is a loss of touch with reality. The mere fact that you are able to recognize and questions these things as possibly not real is a good sign. But that doesn't mean you should dismiss them either. It is possible for us to essentially talk ourselves into becoming sick. If you treat yourself like you're having hallucinations or expecting them any minute now, it's not surprising that you'd start asking "was that real.... and what about that?"

Having the fear of having hallucinations or delusions may be more anxiety related. Regardless though, you would be best served by seeking the help of a qualified professional. It may take some effort to find a professional you trust, but it's worth it. Also the professional does not necessarily have to be a psychiatrist. They may refer you to a psychiatrist, but other professionals like psychologists and social workers can help to do a proper evaluation. I wish you well Bruno.

Great job SD! You are taking your health seriously and doing everything you can to get the help that you need. That is a huge part of recovering. I have every confidence that you will do very well. Please keep us posted after you meet with the psychologist-how fortunate to get a personal referral!
Best wishes,
Scaredy Cat

Hi Scaredy Cat,

Yeah I do care! I am going to gym few times a week to get rid of these thoughts and as soon as possible I will eat more healthier food as well. :D

And sure. I will give you report after I get from session.

And just a minor info from today. After I was being so darn happy. I went happy to my meeting at the college in our racing team. The leading man of our team was giving speech to our team. I was the one closest to him, I was kinda in his narrow vision to put it like that. He was looking at the whole team as well while giving his speech. He was pretty angry at all of us, cause we didn't do our job well. He was kinda cursing and jelling at whole team, but while he was looking at me he said something like "If you don't do job well of course I will be laughing at you, but I sometimes don't know how to all things and that's fine." It sounded like it was telling me, even though he probably just used the singularity to express himself but was speaking to whole team. I got scared cause first thing that went threw my mind was "Oh no! Schizophrenics think everyone is against them! This must be it this is my first psychotic episode I'm loosing it. Soon enough I will be afraid everyone is against me". My anxiety went so high. For a moment I felt so disturbed and scared I thought I'm gonna faint and die. Ever since then I started to question reality again and be extremely vigilant. And paying attention if anyone else is "maybe against me" or something. I got so scared and I know in like a few second from laughing I went to depression. Scary. But now I got from gym and feel a little better, and don't think like that person would ever do something to me or harm me. In that moment I knew my thinking was irrational, but it scared me anyway.

Regards,
Bruno.

Hi there all,

So I've been talking to other members about that "thing" happened on the meeting. They said he actually was looking at me most the time as well when he said those things that scared me I was going schizo. :/

But the information that all seen that, relieved me, and reassured me that, that time I didn't imagined or hallucinated that. But it's creeping me everyday much more. My obsession with mental illnesses is gone way to far. I'm afraid I'm gonna stuck in this "What if?" circle. I'm not reading about it anymore, just waiting for people to respond me on posts. And I'm doing fine or at least much better then few days ago. But there is at least few "questioning of reality" every day. I hope this will stop asap.

One more thing that is bothering me. Since I most the time expect hallucinations to happen. I noticed I pay to much attention to what people are saying. And sometimes when I can't heard what they are saying I'm a bit skeptic they might be talking about me. This might be sign of psychotic episode or maybe something like that and it scares me. I don't know if that is due to the obsession or really psychosis.

And I got scared and irritated by laughing and people's talk in social situations. As well as sometimes wrongly interpreting social situations. Especially people's talk. I know it's all somehow connected, but I gladly hope it's not connected to psychics but to nerves and my obsession. :/

For example today I was running for green light over the road. Many people were going across the road as well, and I hear don't know if it was clearly but female voice "You'll make it.". Somehow I connected it to my running for the green light. And it scared me. Did I hallucinated that or just amongst the noise that people talked my mind played a trick on me and "made" me mishear that for something else. There were this misinterpretations before. But I somewhere read that can be normal with anxiety. As well as sometimes hearing your name in crowds etc.

But I sometimes do misinterpret screeching noises for example a chalk writing on board for laughter. And it's creeping me out. I'm obsessed that someone will laugh at "my condition" can this be just my mind playing tricks on me?

Best regards,
Bruno.

Hi Scaredy Cat,

Thank you for your kind reply.

I will go to doctor next week. I also hope it's just stress/anxiety. But these symptoms with misinterpreting sounds and words is my new worry. I just obsess myself that people might talk about me. And then I pay close attention to what people say to reassure myself they don't talk about me.

My stupid obsession (or at least I hope it's just obsession) with that schi..I am afraid to say it anymore.

I hope next week that psychologist is going to know what is happening with me. ;/


Best regards,
Bruno.

Bruno,

Wow, what a awesome post and I admire you so much for  learning how to deal with your feelings.

I have the "what if?' thoughts but they have gotten much better and I have learned to deal with them.

I have come to learn that thoughts are merely the driftwood of the mind. They float around and periodically come into view. Most of the time, the thoughts we have are not even worth noticing, so we let them be and they just drift back to where they came from. When we are anxious, we tend to notice the disturbing thoughts more often, and more than that, we attach much more meaning than they deserve. I compare them to logs floating down a river. The river is our constant flow of consciousness, the logs are the thoughts we are constantly having. When we are anxious, and pick up on the anxious thoughts or images, we don't let the logs float by, we 'cling' to them. Then, more and more thoughts come by and get caught up on the logs we won't let go of. Soon, the river is backing up and flooding our minds!

Keep on doing what you have been doing and stay in touch with your Doctor. 

Happy Holidays to You,

Kitt

" I was born to stand out ! I am uniquely my own individual self and I am special in my own way !"

Hi Kitt,

Thank you really much. I was trying really hard to achieve what I managed to do in the end; to get complete control of my feelings!
It's been hard, but once you manage to do so and put aside unwanted thoughts you just feel like you reborn, enlightened and most importantly; happy!

I also spoke in detail with my friends about all this. Some of them didn't take it much seriously since they (fortunately) didn't experience the same thing and other felt what I feel. I noticed that late teen years are also responsible for this. Cause in these years most people are on verge in going into full responsible and hard to live adult life. Persona's like me that took growing up seriously and accepting the challenges and stress of adult life are more likely to develop anxiety disorders. And those "lightheaded" individuals, that still don't take life seriously but gradually going to adult life through one-by-one waiver and slowly accepting compromises they have to make in order to "become adults" are very unlikely to develop such disorder. This is however just my partial observation they are always different people and millions of possible outcomes. :)

And that is so true and really nice comparison with river and logs. ;)
When someone is anxiety state they become hypervigilant, not only about the external word but about internal world including memories, sensations and feeling as well. And when hit by anxiety individual is desperately trying to figure out what is wrong with him; letting his mind to free-roam in the eternal space called subconscious and discovering a new totally unfamiliar world. Again this is just my observation. :D

That is how I felt. I somehow think that all these unfamiliar sensations and feelings as well as dp/dr are just our subconscious reaction to chemical imbalance in the brain. No one yet knows what subconscious actually is but is so darn strong and it's saving millions of lifes of "healthy" individuals laces with anxiety disorder. I have this theory that subconscious is (unfortunately) responsible for so called "insanity" and "madness". Some people say that "insane" people don't have insight, I don't know if they are by that point refering to "unclean subconscious" or what. But it's funny to me how come no one ever directly stated the link between subconscious and "insanity".

Anyways..I went a little off-topic. :)
All this is extremely interesting to me; by all I mean neuroscience and psychology and in general all that is product of brain functioning. :)
Especially now when I for big share get rid of anxiety. But I guess this is story for another place and time. :)

Enjoy your holidays!

Regards,
Bruno.