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Posted 1/10/2011 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Alright well I'm still not doing good lately.  I was hoping that maybe some the venting here would help out but it doesn't really seem to be doing much.  I feel totally disconnected from everything.  I spend the majority of my days just moping around and zoning out.  I do a lot of blank staring, just staring into space and just thinking of absolutely nothing.  I keep having these feelings that I'm not here and that I can't think.

I'm having a lot of trouble organizing my thoughts when I do have an idea or an anxiety attack.  Lately I've been wrestling around with the idea of whether or not I should continue with this job that I'm at now or whether I should go back to work in my family business which was the one place that I actually felt like I belonged (even though it did also drive me crazy too).  I actually helped out myd ad today with his business because I had off from my main job and it felt kind of good to be back but also it felt strange because I haven't done that in about 6-7 months and a lot of things had changed.

Also I just feel like my ears are clogged.  I'm always constantly trying to fake yawn to unpop them or using qtips in an effort to try and get rid of the muffled sounds.  It sounds like everything I hear is muffled and like there's just pressure in my ears or something.  Kind of hard to explain but it's just the feeling I get.  And today I've been getting this really weird chest pain, anytime I eat or swallow its like a burning pain in my chest.  I keep spending most of the day just lying aruond and spacing out into nothingness, and time is going so slow.  it doesn't move......I try to get myself motivated to do something here and there but nothing can keep my attention or interest for longer then 15-20 minutes.

One decision I did make is that I stpoped seeing my psychiatrist, I called and cancelled my appointments with him because I feel like it just wasn't working for me.  I don't feel better off with the therapy so I just decided taht I need to switch and find someone else.  Maybe I'll just get my meds from my primary doctor and see a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist, someone who specializes in therapy instead of just prescribing medicine.  There has to be an answer and some sort of relief to this.  It's really and truly starting to rob me of my life, I don't get any enjoyment out of anything anymore.

That's the hard part for me to deal with.  The blank, empty feeling, the not caring, the inability to make decisions.  It makes me feel like I'm truly going crazy.  I'm just so tired of it all, all the second guessing and all the effort in concentrating and trying to better myself but nothing seems to work.  All I can do for tonight I guess is just try and get some rest and wake up tomorrow and try and have a good day at work.  Kind of hard to do when I'm feeling this low though.

Should I be concerned about the empty/blank feeling?  I have it ALL THE TIME.  It's almost like a bomb or something could go off next to me and I wouldn't even care.  Completely numb.

Only medicine I'm currently on is 50 mg of zoloft

Posted 1/11/2011 12:04 AM (GMT 0)
Also I'm getting this new theory creeping into my head that maybe the meds make my empty/blank feelings stronger? That maybe the antidepressents can cause me too be too out of it? I don't know, any feedback or personal stories would be great to read
Posted 1/11/2011 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
Good Evening Mike,

I have a psychiatrist and a psychologist.  When I back off on my therapy my psychiatrist will ask me why and I have to think why I do it ? Sometimes I feel good and going to therapy makes me feel like I am trying to come up with a problem when I am OK or just going makes me anxious.  Other times I really feel connected to her.

Guess it depends on where you are in your therapy.

May I ask why you left the family business and what has changed that causes you to think things will be better if you go back into the family business ?

Food for thought.  Take care,

Kitt

Posted 1/11/2011 1:40 AM (GMT 0)
Was just having those feelings that I'm supposd to work there because thats what I used to do for the last 3-4 years before my anxiety got really out of control. The last year working there I was getting really frustrated that I wasnt getting a raise and wasnt going to be able to afford to move out and do my own thing, and decided to go back to school and pursue a bacheelors in business which didnt work out because thats when my anxiety got so bad that I couldnt even go to class anymore. Or that I let it stop me from going anyways. I liked being able to work with my father n uncle and being able to joke around all day there, and being confident in what I was diong and having the feeling of being "sort of" my own boss. At this job now I am still part time and the low man on the totem poll and it's in a field that I really don't know that much abuot, I just feel like Im lost and swimming against the current. I do entirely way too much thinking, it's impossible for me to shut my mind off lately. I think about all this stuff 24/7, and the time I'm not htinking its not because im relaxing, its because Im so anxoius I just go blank and zone out. I don't know or can't seem to remember how to just relax and just enjoy the moment. My mind is always going and thinking.

As far as the psychiatrist decision went, I never really liked the one I was seeing. I don't know, I just don't feel like he understood or was helping me at all. His answer was always up the medicine, up the medicine. That's not an answer I like or am willing to accept, I know I might need meds, but I don't want to JUST talk about meds. I want to try and find ways to get better without meds, I don't want that to be the answer. I don't enjoy running to a pill bottle in search of relief from my anxiety. That's ridiculous.

So now I'm just going to try and find a psychologist that will help me with therapy and possibly use my primary doc to get prescriptions for the time being. Hopefully it will work out better. I just need to be able to relax and just get back to being able to enjoy the moment again, and feel comfortable around people again.
Posted 1/11/2011 2:42 AM (GMT 0)
I had all kinds of crazy stuff going on with me. I ended up being hospitalized about two years back and it helped out a little bit even though I was only there for a few days. I think it's a good idea that you are trying to find a new psychologist. JUST getting meds is rarely the only answer in situations like this. Although a 'good' med that reacts well with you can really reduce alot of these 'weird' feelings. The rest is, as you've indicated, mostly your own mental state that can be interacted with via therapy and sometimes changes to your lifestyle.

I don't think you should completely rule out medications, but I think you're 100% correct in your thought that medicine alone isn't the answer. Which is a good start, actually, because sometimes people are fine with taking loads of drugs...but they completely avoid therapy like it's the plague. I hope you find the help you need, and not just another perscription.
Posted 1/11/2011 4:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Mike! If it makes you feel any better.. I have also had ear things going on lately with my anxiety. It started out feeling like I was under water and some pressure then my ear felt like it started having a heart beat. Sounds silly, I know. But it is a symptom of anxiety. Here is a list of all kinds of anxiety symptoms that has helped me so much.. I hope it helps you, Good luck!! http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml
Posted 1/11/2011 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
Good Morning Mike,

The list referred to is already posted in our thread at the very top of this forum under Resource but here is a direct link:

Anxiety Symptoms, Anxiety Attack Symptoms (Panic Attack Symptoms), Symptoms of Anxiety:

http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml

You may want to make a list of the pros and cons of going back into the family business and then have a heart to heart talk with your Dad.  It is ok to change your mind as sometimes we don't realize how happy we are in a position until we try another one that does not feel good to us.

I have a psychiatrist and a therapist.  My psychiatrist deals in meds and some brief counseling re the meds etc.  My therapist deals in therapy only and does not discuss meds.  I think this may be a better option for you.

Good for you for taking action and looking for a new person for therapy. Having a trust relationship with your therapist is key to helping you.

Slowing down and thinking about the present moment is a good way to stop your thoughts from spinning out of control. Learning to slow down is integral to interrupting anxiety before it can build to a full blown attack.

When you're feeling anxious, ask yourself, "Where am I? What am I doing? What day is today? What am I wearing? What color are the walls?" Though they might sound like silly questions, asking them forces the mind to stop and answer each question, which in turn can distract you from the trigger of the anxiety.

I wish you peace and do keep on talking with us,

Kitt

Posted 1/11/2011 10:35 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the link to the site and some positive advice. I'm honestly the worst I've been in a loooooong time. At times it's absolutely impossible to focus. And I'm talking impossible. Today at work there was a 2-3 hour window where I couldn't do a thing right. And I'm a bank teller....i was messing up on transactions and forgetting things that I KNOW what to do. I kept thinking when I was at work "What am I doing here? I don't feel right here. It's too quiet, I can't be myself, I just want to scream...", yea....a little mental for sure. All this is going through my head when I should be thinking of.....conversating with the member, looking over their information and double checking my drawer. None of that was going through my head, I was counting down the minutes to lunch where Id be able to get out of there and regroup. I haven't had that bad of a day at work in such a long time.

There's a million reasons why I think this is happening. I'm sooo unhappy at my house and soo unhappy at my job. I feel like I'm never me anymore, ever, and it annoys me when I get nervous. When I get a little nervous I get so mad and upset with myself for thinking that I'm such a ***** and I get myself soooo crazy. And I know it's all self inflicted but yet I can't seem to snap out of it.

So funny too because as far as work is concerned, I would love to go back to work with my fathers business if I knew the money would be good but I know it wouldn't. I have never, in anything I have ever done, had as much passion about my job as when I worked for him. about having pride in our products, about going out and getting new customers, about trying to build the business, and just about being happy and into my job everyday. That slowly deteriorated for me when I realized I was due to work there and receive no raise or no promotion for the next 5-10 years and that's when the whole deciding to go back to school for a new major and try something else came into my mind.

Well here's what I am starting to realize....I'm not a white collar guy. I am beginning to accept that and convince myself of it. I tried to do the over the phone salesman thing with the vitamin company and now I'm trying working in a bank....it doesn't feel right. Granted, nothing feels right right about now. But it just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like me. What do I think about myself? I think I'm a hardworker, someone who is dedicated and driven (when given an opportunity in which I believe/am interested in). I miss being able to work hard and also have a good time at work, it's hard for me to get adjusted to this white collar/professional atmosphere. Not that I'm cursing or acting wild at my dads job, but it was just more laid back and I'd be able to talk about whatever. I don't know I'm just so confused on exactly where my life's heading and who I'm becoming.

Definetly need to look into a new therapist....
Posted 1/13/2011 1:01 AM (GMT 0)
hi there Mike,
this may sound wierd, but your posts sound exactly like me, and what i exsperiance daily... and it got worse when i started taking 50mg of zoloft, i was only on it for 2 weeks, so my doctor cut me back to 25mg., and ive been doing alot better on 25mg, much clearer thinking and not jsut starring at the walls. i sit at a desk dialy at work, and littrally i would just stare at the wall and not do a thing, how awful is that?!!... people need jobs, and i defintly need mine, i feel so ahamed. but i am doing better since i found this sight, and since ive lowerd my dose of zoloft. (per the dr's instructions). how long have you been on zoloft? Also, i used to see a phycologyst and a phyciatrist, but found that they didnt help too much.. (not for long term).. ive had anxiety for 26 years, im 44. so, im going to a therapyst about CBT or EDMR, im hopeing they will help. right now my family dr. is perscribing me my zoloft (and xanax ONLY as needed)... and if i need to continue zoloft or try somthing elese after my other therapy sessions, i will seek out a phyciatrist for that. i think therapy is important, helps get to the root of the problem. (we hope).. i too am not happy at home and am ushually outgoing and happy, but the past year,. has been bad, and anxiety is always lerking around the corner for me... even now as i write this. Just know your not alone. Keep us updated on how your doing.

Babette
Posted 1/14/2011 7:06 AM (GMT 0)
hi,
i read through your statements and the decisions that keep you feeling in essence lost. I understand the pain that comes along with the unhappiness of work and just well overall life choices!

i hope what i am about to say will give you some sort of relief or atleast just a moment that a smile will cross your face!

general george patton said (this wont be word for word) that it is unwise to judge men by how high they climb yet by how high they bounce up after hitting bottom!

when reading i felt that you just feel like youve lost the liveliness im sure once ran through your blood you sound like you have a lot of drive and determination! and thats the traits we need to beat our illness! and sadly what we are desperately trying to beat is really ourselves and how we have let our fears manifest within our minds and make us "ill"

we all feel like we have hit bottom but we are going to bounce back! back to the vivacious and joyus people we once were!

for the time being focus on trying to focus its hard but when u feel ur slipping into that twilight zone pull yourself back my reminding yourself of the things you had listed like checking your drawer ect!

i hope you feel clearer and that you future is bright!
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