Need support! My mom is dying...

Hi Elen. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my father at an early age. I was not able to make it to him before his passing (he lived in another state and his death was very quick) so as hard as this is for you, it is good that you have this time to say goodbye.
Your mother is fortunate to have you with her. What a comfort it must be for her to have you hold her hand and talk with her! I am sorry that this is all left for you to do on your own, but your love and kindness are not in vain! This is the best gift that you could give your mom, and yourself during this difficult time.
I can see how this would be very hard in anxiety management. Accepting that this would cause anxiety in any person is important. Do the things that you know will help alieviate some of the stress as much as possible. Take breaks, rest, exercise, come here to post, breathe, ect...
It seems that your mom took comfort in faith. Even if you don't feel God's presence, maybe going to church in honor of your mother would help you to feel better/closer to her and Him. It is hard to reconcile faith in the midst of pain, but sometimes that is when we need it the most.
I will certainly keep both you and your mother in my thoughts and prayers. Please post anytime that you need to. We are here to support each other through all things, and I'm sure that you'll be hearing from others as well.
Wishing you comfort,
Scaredy Cat

So sorry to hear about your mom. It's hard to see a loved one suffer. In years to come you will be so glad you have spent this time with her. Relish every moment you have together. Your dad and sisters are probably going through their own way of dealing with this. I don't know how old you are but your sisters are so young to be watching their mother die. I hope you and your family can support each other at this time, you need each other.

Thank you for all replies.... Thank you very much. My mom is 67, my sister 40 and I'm 36. My sister is divorsed with two teenagers (17 and almost 19) kids, so I understand that all care goes for them first. My father is 73 and he is also ill , but still walking on his own (diabetic and heart failure). My mom was sick for 2 years with stage 4 cancer, so it's been a lot of chemotherapy and hospital stays. Since I'm living in New York and coming home every couple of month, my feelings for her are much stronger. (have to be here to work, and support my family, I send them goods and money all the time).
My mom loves me very much (I was sick child when I born, she spent a lot of time with me in the hospitals and surgeries, so definitely she gave me more love than to my sister). Same way I feel for her. She is my guard. When I got first my panic attacks at 19 I didn't know what's happening, and she always stayed with me, even at night. Teached me a first prayer and prayed with me (the only prayer I know till now). Yes, it's helped. Take your mind to anything else than panic attack feelings really helps. But I can't go to church. I'm crying the moment I step in. All the time. I have my cross on my chest, but anyway I think that people created religion because they are scared to die. Let me be wrong, I want to find piece in religion, maybe it is not the time yet. I'm freaking out of death, all the causes of my panic and anxiety was fear of death mostly... I knew my mom is going to die, but I was in denial. She was healthy person and even with stage 4 cancer (she is a non smoker by the way), I thought that she will hung out longer... I never saw a dead person, I never been to funerals, nobody was taking me because of my anxiety and panic attacks. Honestly, I didn't want to go either. I can't see my mom burried too.. I don't want to think about. I'm going to hospital tomorrow and I have hope that she will be better. But she will never walk, never talk again and this "better" may last few days only. She can only squeeze my finger in her right hand, that's all what she can do and I know she hear me because she responding to my questions by her hand...
I can't eat because she can't eat. I went to grocery shopping later today with my sister, to buy some food at home and I couldn't look at it. Everything reminds me of my mom, like "she loves this yogurt, she likes this tea, i remember her cutting this cheese...". I was crying like in the grocery, I couldn't ... We came home and I saw my sister's son playing computer games.. her daugher just came back from "date". I'm shocked.... How heartless is this? I don't live here, I visit home couple of times per year and call my mom every 3-4 days when she could talk, and thanks Skype I can talk long for low rates. I flew over 3-4 days ago when she stopped talking at all. I don't have support from my family because they are tired of my mom being sick. It's a lot of care and they are just tired.
Talking about hospise. I'm from small country in Europe,there is one Hospise with horrible reputation. My mom didn't want to be there, she always wanted to die at home. Today I had no choice. Either I let her chock on her phlegm (and she was concious), or I had to call for ambulance. Doctor suggested hospital, he said if patient needs help we have to help. I agree. I went in ambulance together with my mom, was always talking to her even she didn't react to me, but I know she could hear me. Tomorrow I'm planning to go and stay there all day. It's just I hope to get a little of sleep. Besides that I didn't sleep during the flight and time difference, I couldn't sleep for the last couple of days. Now she is in the hospital and I can't sleep, thinking about her, how is she there. It is 5 am, I definitely need sleep, but I'm getting panic attack after an hour I go to sleep.
... another thing that makes my heart cry.. My father's sister was coming here everyday to change her diaper, feed her and talk to her a little (we paid her to do this). And today my aunt whispered in my ear, that my mom knew that she is going to die soon and she was saving me some money. Like $5,10, $20 she would put away from her retirment and asked my aunt to give to me after she dies, along with her tiny gold necklaces. I'm from poor family, I always supported my parents, I always was working abroad to help them. I'm doing OK now, have computer job, great fiancee who loves me very much. And my mom, my dearest mom, she wanted to give me something back and she was saving for me. Cancer pills are so expensive, even insurance doesn't cover everything, but she was still saving for me. O god, I have no words to explain how I feel. That little pension that she had, she was taking little money away, just to give me something....my dear mom, how I miss her already.. about 6 month ago, she bought very expensive silver pendent with amber, she spent like half of her pension and I asked her "why do you do this? It is crazy expensive". She refused to take money back and she told me "one day I will not be able to walk, and soon I will die, I want you to have memory about me". I was trying to stop this talking, saying like "mom, I'm going to see you many times more, I will come as much as you want, so don't give me "good bye" gifts. Now, I see her in this situation, and this pendent becames more presious for me than anything what I have. Also , she got me warm pair of hand made wool socks (my feet and hand cold all the time). Yesterday she felt cold and I had these socks with me and I put on her. In emergency today they took everything from her, she was laying naked under tubes and pipes, but doctors said that "socks can stay, it's ok". Now these socks will be precious for me too.. My sister thinks I'm crazy, but i was acting like a crazy in the hospital, holding these socks on her feet, asking doctors not to loose them if they are going to remove. It is 6am, I cry another night again. It is so painful, I can't express my self enough.... I'm sorry for SISTER3 what she is going through. Burry mother and now youngest sister is a horrible horrible thing. I wish you to be strong. Why life is so unfair..... Death shouldn't be so hard and suffering.

Thank you... I'm reading on Google "the grieving process", to ease my pain. I'm so grateful for replies. Thank you very much, means a lot to me. I've decided to change my ticket. If my mom will hold longer than 10 days (the date of my flight), I will cancel the ticket. I will never forgive my self and my boss if I will leave my mom like this. Specially when my boss asked me to come back before 10th because he is taking vacation in Argentina so I have to be in the office. We are small company, I think he will handle this. He hated his parents, always saying that, so I think he don't understand that person can really love the parents. God, I need some sleep. I'm hallucinating my self already.... Will take Klonopin... it is so painful, my chest hurts, my eyes are puffy, legs are jelly, but this is nothing comparing what my mom is going through. I just want her to die in peace....
I'm surprised that in the hospital they didn't give her any sleeping pills or something like that. They were cleaning lungs to breath and IV for brain tumor, to wash away a bit, I guess it is the procedure, they want to wake her up, right? I don't want her to suffer....

Elen,

Just last year on my birthday my mother lost her four year battle with Alzheimers. I watched her mind and brain decay, her body shriveled, her eyes died, but through the whole thing she recognized me. I am alone in the world now. My mother was my last living relative as I was hers, making us close. I was blessed to have her near me in her final days. I took two busses from my apartment to the nursing home every night and gave her dinner. We watched the same tv programs we shared in happier days. I read to her and returned with two different bus routes to my lonely apartment. Occasionally I would take a taxi when the weather was inclement.

My mental health suffered as yours is now suffering.

If you want to chat I will be here usually at night. I feel we can help each other.

I'm MaryEdythe

oh Elen - i'm so sorry. i lost my father when i was 32 - he died of pnemonia. i was in the hospital holding his hand for 5 days and that was traumatic. i can only imagine what you are going through. yes, please do not worry about your boss. your mother needs you!! prayers are with you. it is a huge process to go through and go through emotionally. takes years honestly. or it did with me. but i didn't face my emotions at first. they ruined a relationship i had a with a nice man. i had alot of anger inside. me and my father had gotten so much closer the year before he died so it was hard. try to think that she will be in a better place with no pain. it will be okay. i promise.

It sounds like you love your mother very much and she loves you. The small things are always the important things so by holding her hand and talking to her are the moments you will cherish in the future. Do what's right for you even if your sister doesn't agree like with the socks your mother has on. Your sister has to deal with this her way and you need to your way but I don't think that means that your sister isn't suffering too. It sounds like she has lived close to your parents and she has seen this evolve to what it is. You said she has 2 teenagers, that's a handful too. Who is helping your dad go through this. He also needs support, he's about to lose the love of his life. I guess the caregiver role is coming out in me. I can see that your entire family has so much they are having to handle emotionally. It is so important to be there for each other too because emotions will run really high because of the stress you are all under. Take care and I hope you are able to get some rest.

Hi Elen,
your post touched me deeply :(.........................
my thoughts are with you during this very difficult time.
i lost my mom to breast cancer almost 4 years ago. it has been very difficult, but i CAN say that the old cliche' about "time healing all wounds" is true. i am nowhere near healed, and will never "get over" losing my mom of course, but the passage of time has made it easier to deal with. i am now starting to feel a little joy in my heart again and i am so thankful for that.
i wish you much strength during this time and if i can be of any assistance at all, please let me know.
take care of yourself :)

Oh sweetie, you are not going crazy. I don't think you are in denial but just want your Mother to be with you forever. I can understand this as my Dad died of cancer a long time ago.

Take each day as a blessing that you have this time with your Mom and don't anticipate the worse outcome. Enjoy the time she is alert and you can visit with her.

Some day you will be able to look back and know how strong you are as you sit with your Mother. Remember denial won't change reality and if you feeling like crying with your Mother it is ok. I did that with my sister as she comforted me and told me I would be OK. I worked hard on being OK after she died even thow I missed her so much and felt so lost without her.

Gentle Hugs,
Kitt

Thank you, Kitt... I'm trying not to cry in front of my mother. It is 3am here, this is my time to cry - at night. I can't do anything about. Each day I'm thinking that I will go to sleep early to get some good sleep, but each night I'm starting to think about and cry. In general, I don't like going to sleep. Even if I'm tired, I'm sitting half asleep but still "holding" to that day, trying to prolong the day. This crazy fear of death with me for a very long time. If I think about death I can get panic attack in 3 minutes (each time works). I don't like my self like this. I'm not depressed, I think I just love life and it makes me insane thinking that I'm going to die. And now my mom.... oh...I watched a movie now (The Tourist), what a beautiful woman Angelina Jolie is... watching the movie took me off reality, but as soon the movie stopped my thought came back to me again, thinking that my mom is alone in the hospital, maybe not sleeping (she has sleeping problems), other sick people snoring around her... I don't want to watch TV, I don't want to read, this movie today was the first time I watched something on TV in the last 6-7 days.
I have to go to sleep... Will take another Clonazepam. I hope I will not get addicted in a week (0,5mg), but I need something to take at night not to have panic attack.
Good night.

My mom passed away last week. I feel so empty... I don't know how long this feeling going to stay with me. I came back to New York yesterday. It looks like I can't find a peace anywhere. I never been depressed but I guess this how depression feels like. I barely can move my body from the couch. I turn on movie but I don't want to watch.
I saw her dead in coffin... she stayed in church overnight, people came to say good bye. She looked very different. I think some makeup and some face adjustment was made, at first look I thought it isn't her and they did mistake by bringing wrong person from morgue. It is all in my head. I can't sleep. I wake up all the time and have nightmares about funerals. It is so scary. I don't know what to do. I started to take Clonopin twice dosage (1mg). I don't know what to do....

Thank you. I couldn't post anything earlier as I was in the hospital everyday, staying with my mom. I was terrified to see her getting worse and worse and I couldn't do much. She got so many injections and IV to ease her breathing but nothing helped and the thought of euthanize people came to my mind many times while I was there. It is not like I was tired to seat there and watch my mom, it's just I saw how she was suffering and nothing was helping her. She was gasping for air for the last 3 days, she slept only for couple of hours, she was ripping her shirt off asking "untie me". She thought that her hands are tide with chains and her legs too. She was paralyzed and only right hand she could move so all the gestures she did with that hand. Later, she couldn't speak at all so I barely understood what she says....

Earlier, my mom was telling me that she don't want me to see her die. She didn't want me to be last hours with her, because, as she said :"you will have this in your eyes forever, and you don't want this". I told her that she is not dying yet and "stop talking about death". That was 3 weeks ago.
The day she passed away, her breathing changed, as doctors told me she got edema of the lungs and that comes before death. I could see the bubbles in her mouth (she had her mouth wide open to get air in).
The day before her death mom was "calling" her dead sister and her friend, who passed away when she was about 30 yo (suicide, she loved someone very much and with no response from him she killed her self, it's very tragic story: she took pills 2 times and twice drs saved her, on a third attempt she told the doctors "please do not save me". It was in a village where is my mom from, in 60x).... At that time I was wondering what's is in my mom's brain? What she sees? She was looking at the empty corner for a very long time, like she saw something scary there, after a while her eyes stopped moving and they were fixed the same way till my mom died. We thought that she is in coma, doctor came and checked her eyes and told us that there is no response. I took my mom's hand and I asked her "mom, if you hear me, squeeze my hand". And she did! Doctor was shocked, he was sure that she is "out", but she was conscious. I was begging doctors to give her something that she will watch some "dreams" now, some drugs or something, but they couldn't do anything for her. I've been told that her body began intoxicating her self and after so many IV and injections she has no response, she will not get any response from any others too.
I started to pray... My mom was a religious woman, so I got her some stuff from church. At first I was asking God to give her health, but the last days I saw her and I was asking Him to take her away so she won't suffer any longer.... The day before her death she began to feel different kind of pains, she couldn't speak much, she was suffering a lot. At one point my mom opened her eyes and she saw me and screamed "TAKE HER AWAY! TAKE HER AWAY!". That was the last thing what she said. She didn't want me to be there and see her die, she was in her clear mind! It is horrible, to suffer so much and be conscious? My sister took me away from the room (only me and my sister were there). I couldn't move, standing right beside her door (so she can't see me but I see her). The nurses gave me some pills. At 3am she was not responsive at all, the nurses said that she can be in this position for hours or even days. They told us to go home and get some sleep, so we can be there in the morning. We took advice and went home. After 2 hours, at 5 am my sister got a call that our mom is passed away. With so many pills I took I was sleeping and my sister didn't wake me up till 7am. Then she came to me, shook my shoulder and told me "we don't have mom anymore". That was the scariest thing I ever heard. It still stays in my ears. It was like in a dream. The stupid thing you have in your head, specially after pills, it feels like you are going to wake up and everything will be OK again... But there were no time to think much, we had to prepare for funerals. We don't have much relatives (either dead, or in different countries) so only me and my sister could do this. Could I ever imagine that I would go to store and choose the coffin for my mom? Flowers for her grave? Embedded cross with her name and dates? Seeing her passport shredded brought us to hysterical cry... She is gone. Forever. My mom, the person whom I love the most in this world. I spent in church every day but I don't get a relieve. I'm burning candles for her everyday. I'm asking her to come in my dreams to say that she is OK, but I get only nightmares (like the coffin is in my room , or my dad is in coffin.., or my mom's limbs are in bag and in the room and I'm thinking why her legs and hands are here? have to bury again)... There is nothing I want, nothing I like. I don't want to see anybody and I don't want to talk to anyone. On Monday I will have to go back to work and I know people will come to say "sorry about your loss" and I dont know how to handle this. I have to be strong woman, I can't cry loud at work, but I can't show my strong face either, I just can't. This is not the time. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to live here....
Interesting thing, my fear of flying is gone. I was so terrified of 10 hour flight before and now I didn't feel a thing. Sometimes I feel that I'm dying too. My vision getting blurry, my chest is heavy...... I want everything back.. I wanted to believe that she is in a good place, but she never comes to my dreams, to walk with me or to talk to me. I'm all alone, with my pain. My mom would never do this to me, therefore I don't believe that anything exist besides dust. I feel so much pain...