anxiety over moving back to a place with bad memories

 

So im in need of finding a place to live, its really hard here there isnt enough houses at a good price range, but today i saw a house for rent that was ideal but its where i used to live bout 3 years ago, and was at a bad place with myself and anxiety then with certan issues in particular id rather forget and it sucks because it really is a beautiful neighbourhood, and i want to be able to move there but is it worth it if im going to have panick attacks over it, i like moving foward and i have an issue that i dont like associating with anything from the past, as a way of letting go. i have gone back to the area now and then but very rarely, it would be different if i had never left, but to leave for ages and then come back, i dont know.. has anyone been through anything similiar, do you think ill be ok and this is all anticipatory and will pass if i live there? it just seems like every option to my housing has anxiety at every corner. need help!

thats nice that it is working out for you, i guess ive formed a pattern too of i always move to new places, i dont wear clothes that i wore at a specific time that wasnt good if i havent worn it for a while, i dont wear perfume for same reasons..im always updating things, i guess i almost feel like i want to costantly feel renewed and refreshed like i want to run far from yesterday. i wonder if i can pull this off.. how can i feel renewed and refreshed if im going back to that place. is it worth it, i could just wait for another house but that means longer at my parents. i hate living with them and i really value having my own space.

Dear oldsoul, I too completely understand how you are feeling. I guess all I can do is to tell you what my experience has been in the past couple months...

I fled my home of 15 years in January after enduring an 8 hour attack on me and my children from my husband. We were in safe houses and a battered womens shelter for about 3 weeks. When we came home, I was really busy with getting things back on track but as soon as I "settled" and things became quiet, I found that everything reminded me of bad memories. The holes in the walls in my bedroom. The coffee stains in the carpet from him throwing it at me. The way his clothes smell. The locks he had removed while I was gone because he evidently thought I would come back and stay with him and wouldn't be able to lock doors to keep him away from me.

After two days I had to admit that I was having trouble being here and it kind of shook me up because this is MY little old 120 year old house that I loved. But the memories were tough, really tough. At one point I thought that I probably wouldn't be able to live here anymore. It made me sad. I began reaching out to friends and family and being honest with them about how I was feeling. They understood but also knew that living here was my best option financially and there are alot of good memories here too. They asked me about paint colors etc... and since then every saturday people come and help me change this back into Me and my Childrens house again. We reclaimed our home, one wall at a time and it's working!! I've packed up most all of his stuff and have had most of the painting of walls and ceilings done now. This Saturday should be the last indoor painting party. I've gotten rid of things that he used to hurt us with and have worked very hard from my wheelchair to personally do as much as I can do so that I take part in this "new home".

I won't lie. I still have nightmares and panic attacks but it's all very new to me still. My situation is very new, although I've fantasized about being free from him a million times. I make sure that every day we do something that will be a good memory. I have my favorite vanilla candles that he wouldn't let me have and they are all over my house!! hehehe We ate captain crunch for supper the other night!! Maybe it all sounds silly, but this is how I am moving forward but am sure it isn't the same for everyone. It's hard with finances so tight so being here was my best option financially and thankfully it's working.

I hope you find what will be best for you in your journey forward.

Tonight's good memory is planning our gardens for this year!! I know. We're weird!! hehehe Suzee